Week five. Lord Alan Sugar's annual "Find me a business idiot" competition trundles along like a half-blind, horny dog in a long-leg factory. As hungry for business as a dog poo bin and as capable of ridiculous, mind-boggling decisions as a malfunctioning android on fire.
As anyone in big business will tell you, it's important that you look good in big business so it is apt that episode 5 featured a new keep fit regime.
The day began like every other, Alan's pretend secretary calling the house on the Amstrad phone that can pick up Russian radio (it's not meant to) and telling the applicants that they are due to be picked up in an hour to be taken somewhere to be barked at by an angry beard/dog.
The task this week was to try and licence a new fitness trend. Steven (Andrew Collins/Iain Lee hybrid) took the project manager role for Phoenix. Ricky Martin (ex wrestler) immediately volunteered as team captain for Sterling as he has the biggest head and drag-queen-like eyebrows. He put the lid on the job with his classic saying "you'll always witness the fitness". Which means that as he can make things rhyme, he is obviously the best qualified business man of the group. Ricky and his team decided to merge street dance and martial arts. They chose the name "Beat Battle", which is nowhere near as good as "Boogie-Woogie Punch Up"
Steven's team decided to go with a retro work out. Obviously as the word retro was mentioned it is therefore law that a Spacehopper made an appearance. The name for the retro work out was decided as "Groove Train", which sounds like an orgy at a Bootsy Collins gig. The obvious retro work out would be someone eating a packet of Toffos while smashing up the Blue Peter garden wearing shell suits. Along with the Spacehopper, "Groove Train" also included a hula hoop (you know, for kids) and a skipping rope, and a jumped up kids' tea party from 1984 was devised.
The video shoot for "Groove Train" was a fraught affair. Angry Paul Scholes look-a-like Adam acted as choreographer and began to have diva fits about not being told about mirror balls and wanting to keep his dancers informed. Rather than big business, it was like a scene from All That Jazz. There were more diva fits during the shoot for "Beat Battle". It seems that in big business if you give anyone a camera they all decide that they are shooting Saving Private Ryan, and not some tin-pot load of old bollocks.
Angry Paul Scholes look-a-like Adam acted as choreographer and began to have diva fits about not being told about mirror balls and wanting to keep his dancers informed.
Ricky stepped up to the ring to pitch "Beat Battle" to the powers that be. Ricky felt that the product was innovative. When asked if there was anything else out there, Ricky said no, however the powers that be said it was exactly the same as something else. Whoops. At the Groove Train pitch, the video felt like a very cheesy soft core porn film waiting to happen. If they were going for the retro feel, they were bang on with this ad, it looked like the kind of advert you would get at the cinema in about 1986. When asked about how the fuck any gyms would store 30 Space Hoppers and Hula Hoops (without sticking them up their staff member's arses) Steven had no answer (apart from a sort of shrug). Grrrr. Business.
At the next "Beat Battle" pitch, Ricky pulled out the big guns. Laura and Dwayne took part in some expressive dance that befuddled the clients to such an extent that they seemed to dismiss it as a hallucination almost immediately. However Ricky stood up upon cross examination and actually answered questions in a concise way, an ability that is belied by his general appearance. The room were impressed and it takes real skill to impress people who help other people run on a treadmill.
The final board room. The two teams were given their final numbers. Sterling looked to be beating Phoenix into a corner with a shitty stick and the consummate ease of a tiger chasing an asthmatic fat boy. Phoenix had no orders and Sterling had a few, and looked to be winning with little to no effort. Then, as hell froze over, Phoenix received an epic order and wiped the floor with Sterling (fat boy 1 - tiger 0). The shock was palpable. Ricky Martin looked on like a man who has just had a bullshit rug whipped out from under his feet. Phoenix was never a more apt name as they pulled the flaccid, burnt bird out of the fire and went off for some highly erotic massages as a prize.
After a short while of deliberation, Alan called his pretend secretary on his pretend phone (that was playing Croatian Barry Mannalow songs - again, not meant to) and called the candidates into the pretend boardroom. Upon arriving in the boardroom, everyone decided that Laura and Dwayne were responsible because their video looked a bit dull (like a chess club disco) and they were called back with Ricky to play the part of three bald men arguing over a comb.
In the end Dwayne was left to fall on his sword (got fired) and Ricky and Laura lived to fight (act like imbeciles) another day.
All is fair in love and war, but never in Boogie-Woogie Punch Up.
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