Alan Partridge's Greatest Moments

Off to the pub, dinner party or BP garage for a mushroom slice? Fear not my friend, in celebration of his new book, feast your eyes on our comprehensive catalogue of Alan Partridge goodness. A-Ha!
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Off to the pub, dinner party or BP garage for a mushroom slice? Fear not my friend, in celebration of his new book, feast your eyes on our comprehensive catalogue of Alan Partridge goodness. A-Ha!

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Is Alan Partridge a God of modern comedy? Of course he is you cow! Steve Coogan's "smell my cheese you mother" is to our generation what John Cleese's swan-legged "don't mention the war" spiel was to folk of the 70s. Forget the David Brent dance, sitcoms like The Office and Peep Show wouldn't have seen the light of day if Coogan didn't turn the eye-wincingly awkward up to 11 and birth the behemoth of cringe-comedy.

The genius of Partridge is underpinned by the fact that he is us. Our every day trials and tribulations, mini-battles and hatred of society are so brilliantly played out by Coogan on screen. Yet, no matter how shite our own half-baked existences may be, we can always sleep well in the knowledge that Alan has it worse.

If for some disgusting reason you've never seen I'm Alan Partridge before, consider this an education, whereas if you just want to get reacquainted with a national treasure of comedy - tuck into Partridge's best lines*. Lovely stuff.

* Just don't get your arse out about the lack of The Day Today and Knowing Me, Knowing You - that's a whole other article.

SERIES 1

Episode 1 - A Room With An Alan

Alan: I do like that toilet. It’s very futuristic, isn’t it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that… in the twenty-first century.

***

Alan: All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.

Tony: I don’t think wine’s an elitist thing anymore, you can get good wine in Tesco’s now. I’d love to make a genuinely popular wine programme.

Alan: Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier.

***

Waiter: Are you ready to order?

Tony: Yes I think I’ll have the Fettucini a’la Arabiata please.

Alan: And… can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an Action Man bow-tie.

Tony: Farfalle.

Alan: Yeah, that with… action man bow-tie.

Episode 2 - Alan Attraction

Jill: Where’s everybody else?

Alan: They’ve gone to… Longstanton Spice Museum.

Jill: Why?

Alan: I said, congratulations, you’ve got a second series, we can’t celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the spice museum in... Longstanton.

***

Alan: Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich town centre? I’ll be honest I’m dead against it. People forget that traders need access to Diiiixons!

***

Alan: Oh, Jill. Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!

Episode 3 - Watership Alan

Alan: Mmm. She was certainly first in the queue when God was handing out… chests, or, mammary glands. Ooh, I’d love to have it off with her.

***

Alan: Moooo! Thought that’d fool you. You could talk the hind-legs off a donkey. But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs, because of all the chemicals you put in their… chips.

***

Alan: I’ve probably got more friends than you’ve got cows.

Peter Baxendale-Thomas: This is ridiculous.

Alan: How many cows have you got?

Peter Baxendale-Thomas: I’ve got a hundred cattle.

Alan: Yeah, I’ve got a hundred and four friends.

Episode 4 - Basic Alan

Alan: I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em.

***

Alan: I wish I’d been a bit more spontaneous, you know. Sometimes I feel like just going out and, I don’t know, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head and saying “look at me, I’m a giant witch!”

***

Alan: Do you like my cones? They’re little ones, I got them from a cycling test centre.

Alan: I’ve got a clean licence. Yours is dirty! You’ve got six points, I’ve got two… points.

Episode 5 - To Kill A Mocking Alan

Alan: ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think “Sunday, bloody Sunday!”.

***

Alan: Have you seen the film ‘The Crying Game’?

Paul: Yes, I saw it.

Alan: Yeah. The woman with the old, er, tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with… a fanny!

***

Jed:I’ll see you next week, then. We’ll have that pint.

Alan:       Yip.

Jed:Go and see my brother.

Alan:        No way you big spastic! You’re a mentalist!

Episode 6 - Towering Alan

Alan: The stocks are now open for custard pie throwing. Tell you who I’d like to put in the stocks – Tony Hayers. He’s the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television. And it wouldn’t be custard pies I’d be throwing at him, either. I’d like to throw cabbages, hot Bovril and gravel.

***

Alan: [After hearing Tony Hayers has died] Kiss my face!

***

Alan: Oh, yeah. I like all the bands. I’ve got a broad taste, you know. From the britpop bands like UB40, Def Leppard, right back to classic rock, like Wings.

Ben: Who’s Wings?

Alan: They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.

Ben: I love the Beatles.

Alan: Yeah, so do I.

Ben: What’s your favourite Beatles album, then?

Alan: Tough one. I think I’d have to say... ‘The Best of the Beatles’.

SERIES 2

Episode 1 - The Talented Mr Alan

“Is he gonna get petrol? No, he’s just using the forecourt to turn round. He thinks he’s Rod Stewart.”

***

Alan: It’s weird isn’t it, this airbag. All that powder on your face, you look like a clown. [Lynn laughs] Don’t smile you’ve broken your neck!

***

Alan: My girfriend’s 33, I’m 47, she’s 14 years younger than me. Back of the net.

Episode 2 - The Colour of Alan

Pete: Look Alan, no clowns, no gags.

Alan: Just a couple of jokes?

Pete: No Alan, no.

Alan: Pleeease?

Pete: [In thick South African accent] No you can’t!

Alan: Well there’s no need for that! I just wanted to do a couple of jokes.

Pete: You can’t!

Alan: You’ve done it again.

***

Lynn: Alan what are you doing?

Alan: Climbing over a fence.

Lynn: Oh you should watch yourself you’re nearly fi…

Alan: Were you going to say I’m nearly 50 Lynn? I might be nearly 50 Lynn but at least I can eeeurgh

Lynn: What?

Alan: Lynn I’ve pierced my foot on a spiiiike.

***

Lynn: Shall I go on for you?

Alan: Lynn, you couldn’t present a… cat.

Episode 3 - Brave Alan

Alan: Sonia that was classic intercourse. So er…so thanks.

***

Alan: Dan’s a fantastic man, he really is. I was making him laugh this morning, I was on the phone to him. He was asking me what kind of phone I had, and I said ‘a Motorola Timeport’, and he said ‘that’s saaaad, you wanna upgrade’, and I said ‘so do you, to a new face!’ He nearly soiled himself. He said he laughed so much he had Kenco coming out his nostrils, and that made me laugh… but my nostrils were clear.

***

Alan: Single hand Sue there, tackling the buffet… like a human JCB.

Episode 4 - Never Say Alan Again

Alan: [To Lynn] I’ll give you a raise. Eight, ei-eight and a half thousand? Nine? Ni-nine, Nine and a half? Te-te…ll you what, tell you what, it’s nine and a half thousand pounds.

***

Alan: [To builder] Listen I’ve been physically threatened by an ex-fuzz, if you hang around I will pay you. I mean, how much is a monkey?

Builder: Five-hundred.

Alan: How much is a mouse?

Builder: There’s no such amount. Pony’s one fifty.

Alan: Right I’ll give you two hundred. That’s a pony and a bag of hooves.

***

Tex: I’m really sorry… I really wanted to watch America’s Strongest Man.

Alan: Well now you’ve got Norfolk’s maddest man!

Episode 5 - I Know What Alan Did Last Summer

Sonia: Can I put in journal that I am very good cook of full English breakfast?

Alan: Yes you can, in fact I’ve made a few notes. Bacon – ten on ten, button mushrooms – bingo, black pudding – snap. Minor criticism – more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater… but I’m nitpicking, on the whole a very good effort – seven on ten. Let’s make love.

***

Alan: Yeah I’m gonna hump ya . . . like Dippity-Dog, would hump ya.

***

Alan: I just let off in a tax inspectors face, and it was mostly deliberate.

Episode 6 - Alan Wide Shut

Alan: [to Michael] That’s not toast Michael that’s hot floppy bread.

***

Female author: I notice you end almost every anecdote with the phrase ‘needless to say, I had the last laugh’.

Alan: Yeah well you could end some of your chapters with… needles to say… I took drugs.

***

Alan: They are pulping the remaining fourteen thousand copies of my book, next Thursday. So they can make room for books about cockney killers.

Sonia: What is cockney?

Alan: Cockney, Sonia, is an area in London where criminals live.

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