The X Factor 2011, Week 3: Simon Cowell’s Lost Memo

As this year’s X Factor continues to pollute the airwaves we uncover what Simon Cowell thinks of it all in this memo we found in the back of a limo
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As this year’s X Factor continues to pollute the airwaves we uncover what Simon Cowell thinks of it all in this memo we found in the back of a limo

Memo to: Syco TV production staff only

From: Simon. So pay attention

Re: X Factor week 3, TX date 3/9/11

Look, guys, I’ve just seen the final cut of this week’s show and, I‘ve got to be honest with you, I’m not happy.

When I decided earlier this year that I no longer needed to drag my arse round the scum holes of the UK for months on end being forced to endure a parade of mentally sub-normal deluded freaks and that I could just as easily plant a groomed Syco-signed singer in the show from the comfort of the Caribbean, I expected my involvement in this series to be basically zero. I wanted to sit at home, counting money and texting Sinitta disturbing erotic messages to keep her strung along. However, judging by this episode, it seems that if I don’t oversee absolutely every aspect of the show’s production fundamental errors creep in.

Why, for instance, is Barlow sitting at an angle the whole time? I mean, he’s obviously trying to duplicate my imposing, no-nonsense style but perfecting it takes years of diligent practise, it can’t be achieved by simply turning your chair to 45 degrees. I may be wrong of course (unlikely as that may seem) he could just be sat like that so that his squint is less pronounced on camera or  it may just make it easier for him to look down Kelly’s top. Either way, bolt his chair so that it faces forward for the live rounds.

Also, why does every shot of him speaking appear to be in slo-mo? He doesn’t sound so much deliberate as drugged – ‘Aaaah ahbbsoloootlllyy loved eet’ – speed them up slightly, it annoys me.

Walsh cracking up was hilarious, shame his tear ducts don’t actually work any more so we couldn’t see any tears.

I will say this, though, credit to the editors. No really, I think you should be congratulated for the way you’ve managed to stretch the material so that the show basically has as many ad breaks as auditionees. You really are the TV equivalent of Izal toilet paper – smearing the shit until its spread a molecule thick across the collective lower back of the nation. Good work.

In terms of specifics in Ep.3: The first singer, the tragic, deluded, Rod Stewart’s shrunken skull, stroke victim-looking guy who sang the Bowie song. Don’t let the judges keep him in. Firstly, he will definitely have some sort of perverted background (probably involving flight case frottage) that the papers will pick up on. Worse, he’s exactly the sort of freak that the students would get behind in the phone vote just to piss me off. I haven’t made a bean off Wagner and won’t off him. Lose him at boot camp.

The young boy from Margate with a crush on Tulisa. Like him. Cute, could turn a buck on him. But get him to drop the school boy slobbering from now on, though. It’s cute once but if it goes on it going to get creepy. And Walsh will get jealous.

Speaking of creepy, use less shots of Walsh from previous series. The shot of him from last year you used in the recap before the lard-faced Michael Jackson copying mentalist re-auditioned just highlights how much botox he’s had. He now looks like he’s been melted, then stretched tight again under a heat lamp.

I like that you kept in the 3 girls singing the hair flicky song and pointing out that Tulisa can’t sing. That should help keep her in line, the more times it’s pointed out that she’s very lucky to be on the show, the less leverage she has when it comes to renegotiating her fee for the next series.

Which brings us to this year’s Tesco Mary, or rather Lidl Mary. I knew Scotland would provide us with a ‘big girl with a big voice’ act and this Jade could be her. Shame she slagged her home town, that’s going to make it awkward in the later episodes when she revisits her old school. However, she’s got a great deal going for her – disabled grandmother, poor background, chip addiction – and for some reason I just knew as soon as she appeared she’d do an Adele song. It’s a shame that her voice isn’t a strong as the post audition blub-fest inferred. Kelly needs to be told to stop declaring that she’s had visions (too American) but Walsh cracking up was hilarious, shame his tear ducts don’t actually work any more so we couldn’t see any tears.

Please action the above points in time for next week’s show and try and do it without me having to become involved until the final stages. I don’t want to have to spend any more time watching this shit than I have to.

S.Cowell

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