The X Factor Final – Bigger Crowds, Bigger Performances And Bigger Boobs

More props, a bigger audience, and huge, elaborate performances... so why was the first half of this week's X Factor Final still achingly tedious?
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More props, a bigger audience, and huge, elaborate performances... so why was the first half of this week's X Factor Final still achingly tedious?

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Last night marked the first part of the final of the X Factor and they brought out all the stops. That’s a lie, they brought out a few. The show came live from the famous Wembley arena but this didn’t stop Dermot doing one last cheesy dance routine. Arriving on stage in a black cab avec slutty dancers to the Austin Powers’ music, Dermot was doing his normal speak-really-quietly-then-really-loudly-voice as he tried his hardest to ramp up the 10,000 strong crowd. The judges arrived with Tulisa rocking an Alice in Wonderland inspired ensemble, her cleavage so high up it looked like it was going to swallow her head and take over as the 4th judge. Kelly, considering she was in her under crackers last week and was showing off some newly sharpened eyebrows last night, looked rather el blando in a floor length gown and the two boys sported some classic velvet jackets.

Maybe that’s why they got him to perform on a giant dildo plane surrounded by airhostesses, at least that diverted some of the attention away from how boring the song was.

The X Factor finalists, Little Mix, Amelia Lily and Marcus Collins came out and sang a not at all over the top rendition of a Take That classic to kick start the show. The larger audience did bring the ‘live’ feel that the TV studio audience had been lacking, although it did mean Dermot had to shout more than normal, which is never, ever a good thing.

Marcus opened the show with a flat version of ‘Hey Ya’ by Outkast. Considering the chorus to this hit is a really repetitive falsetto ‘hey ya,’ it was not a good choice of song to open the final of the biggest show in the UK. Maybe that’s why they got him to perform on a giant dildo plane surrounded by airhostesses, at least that diverted some of the attention away from how boring the song was. Luckily for Marcus his second performance saw him and the legend Gary Barlow sing a beautiful rendition of, ‘always a women.’ With some genuinely lovely harmonies and Gary on the piano Marcus delivered a solid performance.

The main standout act last night were Little Mix. They really shone right through from their interview videos to their performances. They always seem so easy to relate to and you can see it’s the fact they’re not pretentious or too good looking and over processed that has resulted in their success of getting this far in the show. I’d say the only thing that let the girls down last night was their horrendous styling. In their first performance they looked like they’d raided a jumble sale bin of ‘B*witched’ denim cast–offs and then hacked at them with a kitchen knife.

In their first performance they looked like they’d raided a jumble sale bin of ‘B*witched’ denim cast–offs and then hacked at them with a kitchen knife.

Their first song was a percussion driven version of ‘You got the love’ and Perrie aka the blonde one again showed off how amazing her voice is. For their second song Tulisa joined them on stage and they stormed through an Alicia Keys medley which in all fairness, was brilliant. It let Tulisa prove that despite her silly tattoo and annoying salutes, she can really sing and this was the best performance of the acts with their mentors. Simon Cowell even took the time out to tweet about how much he liked it saying he thinks the girls could win the show.

The ‘comeback kid’ Amelia ‘talks-like-a-man-sings-like-a-girl-chin-of-a-man-eyes-of-a-girl’ Lily wasn’t off to the best start with her first performance, largely because she looked like a complete idiot. Seriously, you’d think this being the biggest show in England the styling would be incredible. It’s not. In fact last night, it was bloody awful. The stylist must have been off their tits and Amelia’s dress looked like a drunk 5 year old had designed it.

Amelia attempted a Christina Aguilera song but unfortunately her notes were as flat as her backwash pink hair. I wanted to like her, I really did, but the ridiculous outfits/flat notes/too American sounding combination made it very hard. Even in her second song despite nailing the two-part harmony with Kelly, the fact she introduced Kelly in a fake American accent was too much for me to take. I don’t care if you’re only 17 love, you’re not American and I doubt very much your Middlesbrough fan base are going to be voting for you if you start talking like Britney Spears instead of Sarah Millican.

This pop song duet created some sort of boy band car crash. I’m not sure how it ended, I had to leave the room to avoid self-harming.

The first ‘slebz’ to perform were JLS and One Direction aka “we couldn’t afford any real acts so you’ll have to put up or shut up.” JLS opened up with their really catchy song that goes. ‘oh oh oh oh oh.’ a lot and then One Direction joined them on stage and sang some song about being beautiful. This pop song duet created some sort of boy band car crash. I’m not sure how it ended, I had to leave the room to avoid self-harming.  The other acts to perform were the mighty Bublé and Leona Lewis.

Michael Bublé, or ‘Bubbles’ in English, sang a Christmas song from his conveniently timed Christmas album that’s coming out, at Christmas. Those Canadians don’t miss a trick. I had high hopes that Bublé was going to bring the real showbiz glamour that the show was missing but he failed to deliver. There are a serious amount of Christmas songs to choose from but for some reason he sang one that would have been dull even in a lift. THERE WASN’T EVEN ANY FAKE SNOW. Leona Lewis was next up singing a textbook start-really-low-in-the-first-verse-so-I-can-then-sing-really-high-and-show-off-at-the-end and as usual she nailed it and showed everyone why she won the show, despite the fact she has less personality of a nothing.

I know he’s not a singer but I was SO looking forward to seeing Louis Irish dancing as Jonny laid across a piano humping the keys in a feather boa mankini.

One thing that last night’s show did differently to other years and one part I was genuinely excited about was seeing the judges singing with their acts. I guess it was the fact that it was live TV and they could mess up and mortally embarrass themselves at any moment that made it a little (a lot) exciting for me. I was a tad perturbed though that Louis didn’t have any acts in the final. I know he’s not a singer but I was SO looking forward to seeing Louis Irish dancing as Jonny laid across a piano humping the keys in a feather boa mankini. I think ITV missed a trick with that.

As the final is split into two parts last night saw Amelia Lily voted out leaving Little Mix and Marcus through to tonight’s grand final. Third place isn’t a bad result for Amelia considering she was voted out in the first week. She took her defeat very graciously and I’m sure she’ll be coming to a girls magazine cover shoot near you very shortly.

As to who will win the show it’s hard to call but I do honestly think Little Mix are in with the best shot. I would love to see them win as they are such sweet genuine girls who can really sing, even if one of them does look like a bush baby.

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