Titanic: The Fourth Worst Film I've Ever Seen (Now In 3D)

Titanic is the fourth worst mainstream film I have ever seen, and nothing can induce me back into the cinema to see it in 3D
Avatar:
Author:
Publish date:
Social count:
49
Titanic is the fourth worst mainstream film I have ever seen, and nothing can induce me back into the cinema to see it in 3D


Those not blinded by the distractingly inexplicable chocolate eggs and rabbits, will be aware that Easter is a celebration of Jesus' resurrection from the dead. This year, however, the short resulting holiday was blighted by distressing news of the resurrection of something infinitely foul, the fetid technicolour celluloid yawn that is James Cameron's Titanic - now in 3D, as if we hadn't suffered enough.

404

Titanic's 12-year reign as the most popular film ever - deposed in 2009 by Cameron's flawed but considerably less odious Avatar - is the ultimate proof that most cinema goers know nothing (and care less) about film. That is an understatement. In a lifetime spanning many decades of enthusiastic film going, Titanic is quite simply the fourth worst film I've ever seen.

I'm not counting the wilfully, wonderfully crap likes of Cannibal Holocaust or Plan 9 From Outer Space, of course. I'm talking about mainstream or at least serious films. In that arena, only Jean Luc Godard's Passion (1982), the all-star Pete & Dud comedy remake of The Hound of the Baskervilles (1978) and the A-list-encrusted Norman Jewison sci-fi abortion that was Sphere have sent me from the cinema more furious and disappointed.

Passolini's transgressive, regularly-banned Salo: 120 Days of Sodom, in which a feebly transparent allegory about 20th Century Italian Fascism is supposed to justify all the metaphorical and literal shit-eating and sexual torture, left me wanting to take a shower - as did the disarmingly artless Henry, Portrait of A Serial Killer - but neither upset me as much as Titanic.

The weird thing is that I used to love James Cameron. Aliens was great, the director's cut of The Abyss legendary, Terminator 2 rocked and I even enjoyed the silver screen cocaine fluff of True Lies. Until the sickening kidney punch that was Titanic, I was only heartened by his status as king of the adrenaline-fuelled blockbuster. So why do I hate Titanic so much? Where do I start?

Being part Irish myself, I should probably be more susceptible to the kind of Hollywood Celtic mythmaking that produces hysterically inaccurate bullshit like Braveheart and gives endless job opportunities to English thespians happy to play the villain in action films - but I'm not.

The infantilising sentimentality towards anything Celtic and open hostility towards the supposedly emotionally-frigid, perma-evil English grates on my last nerve, and Titanic is the perfect crystallisation of this offensive trait, with the stereotypical Irish labourers in steerage permanently skipping, dancing, fiddling and loving in a golden glow, whilst on top deck monocled English swine glide about oozing cruel froideur.

Being part Irish myself, I should probably be more susceptible to the kind of Hollywood Celtic mythmaking that produces hysterically inaccurate bullshit like Braveheart and gives endless job opportunities to English thespians happy to play the villain in action films - but I'm not.

But it's all fictitious, you say. Yes, that makes it worse. Disingenuously anchored to the skeleton of a true story, and stretched out to an interminable length, the pre-iceberg part of Titanic constitutes the greatest waste of time in movie history. Alarmingly, some reviewers of this weekend's lovingly-restored re-release have commented that the CGI has dated badly, so we now rely on the film's central romance to sustain interest.

Fuck me with a red-hot poker! The last 20-30 minutes of the film, when the ship finally goes down, were pretty epic, the only compensation for sitting through this arse-achingly overlong fiesta of fictitious shite. If we now have to rely on the appeal of Kate and Leo's romance for the experience to sink or swim, this is going to be uglier than the Hindenburg air crash.

Titanic doesn't work as a chick flick, hasn't the (intentional) laughs necessary to be a comedy, and no self-respecting action film would ever boast a mind-numbing two-hour gap between the opening credits and anything happening.

Worryingly, Cameron has confirmed that he never wanted to make a disaster movie anyway, and that the young people finding love was what the film was all about. Give me strength! So we should pay to see a film about one of the last century's great symbolic disasters because of a tacked-on love story between two podgy screen brats that never happened? Seriously?

The Telegraph's bizarre claim that "this film is a once-in-a-generation Hollywood epic that ages without dating, transcends target audiences and is simply too big for genre", just goes to show that they've been drinking the Kool-Aid. If Titanic's success is nothing else, it is proof that the repeat business of 14-year-old girls, duped by a hokey love story, can skew any box office reality.

I yield to no one in my love of 3D but, after watching Titanic the first time round, I left the cinema convinced that the ship had crashed into an iceberg because the captain was distracted by an overwhelming urge to stab himself in the ears rather than endure Celine Dione's moosey vocal acrobatics. Fifteen years on, nothing can induce me back into the cinema to suffer this monstrosity anew, not even if it were in 5D, with smell-o-vision and a free blowjob thrown in.

Click here for more articles on TV and Film in Sabotage Times

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook