Top Film Tip's Christmas TV Movies

It may be Christmas, but that doesn't mean you have to sit through twee family dramas and dull romcoms. We've got a creepy, insane, cow punching and vomit eating selection for you to enjoy...
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It may be Christmas, but that doesn't mean you have to sit through twee family dramas and dull romcoms. We've got a creepy, insane, cow punching and vomit eating selection for you to enjoy...

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Already dreading the monotony of twee family dramas and excruciating romcoms on TV this Christmas?

Fear not, because this week we bring you a murderous, creepy, limb chopping, anal sex obsessed, spontaneous human combustion filled, cybernetic, octopus eating, tooth twisting, criminally insane, dildo abusing, chest bursting,toilet swimming, cow punching, vomit eating- traditional TopFilmTip Christmas.

As ever, if you'd like daily tips for free films on TV you can follow us on Twitter @TopFilmTip or join in the banter and get preview tips @TopfilmChat.

Saturday 22nd

Excavations unearth a reindeer eating, eviscerating, evil Santa and only a misfit kid and his friends can stop him. The single strangest and most wonderfully creepy Christmas film you will ever see- Freaky Finnish comedy horror RARE EXPORTS plays at 1am on Channel 4.

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Coffin punching, eye plucking, bucket schlepping, 5-point-palm-exploding-heart-techniquing Kung Fu film homage when KILL BILL: VOL 2 gives you lessons in bedtime parenting skills at 10pm on BBC3.

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Sunday 23rd

A lecherous drunk and his foul mouthed dwarf partner in crime scam shops, squat in occupied mansions, take advantage of children and enjoy a penchant for larger ladies in the lowbrow, repugnant and utterly hilarious Christmas gem BAD SANTA at 9pm on Channel 5.

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Christmas Eve

Buddhist ziggurats, murder, acupuncture tricks and spontaneous human combustion in the bonkers Chinese fantasy epic DETECTIVE DEE: MYSTERY OF THE PHANTOM FLAME at 00:50am on Film4.

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James Cameron brings his inspirational fever dream to life in the iconic, groundbreaking cyborg shooting, windscreen punching, police station demolishing classic 80s SciFi- THE TERMINATOR at 10pm on SyFy.

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Christmas Day

Inexplicably released after 15 years imprisonment, a man wreaks live-octopus eating, hammer bludgeoning, tooth twisting, tongue chopping bloody vengeance in Korean master work OLDBOYat 11:20pm on Film 4.

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Depicting the strange life of a man with a dream to rob a bank and spend his life behind bars. Tom Hardy stars in lesser known British crime treat BRONSON at 01:40am on Film 4.

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Boxing day

A Hot altgirl makes the world her own using only a laptop, a needle and a dildo. Top Swedish thriller THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO airs at 10:30pm on Channel 4.

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Sly Stallone discovers the best jogging song ever made, falls in love with a woman called Adrian and violates frozen cattle in Oscar winning feel good drama- ROCKY at 10:30 on ITV4.

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Gorgeously imaginative, sweet and heartfelt. A Beautiful family love story regarding a 5 year old boy and a magical fish who really likes ham. Studio Ghibli wonder- PONYO plays at 1:10pm on Film 4

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Ridley Scott gives master class in (1) genre definition (2) exquisite direction (3) inducing fear (4) twisting expectations (5) masterful suspense in chest bursting SciFi treat ALIEN at 11:10pm on Film 4.

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Thursday 27th

In a strange and distant dystopian future, buff people are humiliated on TV for public entertainment. Based on a Stephen King Novella, Arnie runs a rampage in THE RUNNING MAN at 11:30pm on Film 4.

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Escaping an abusive marriage, a mother moves with her children to a free loving, counter cultural 1970’s Swedish commune in atypical drama TOGETHER at 01:25am on Film 4.

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Two former lovers, by chance, reunite in a mature, evocative and beautifully romantic sequel from Richard Linklater BEFORE SUNSET at 11:25pm on TCM.

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Friday 28th

Brutal battles and widespread nudity as Michael Caine leads a hundred men to hold out against 4000 African warriors in epic classic ZULU at 12:45pm on Channel 4.

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Freaky head twisting babies, public toilet swimming, unexpected surprises the morning after, a lot of smack and a cracking soundtrack in British gem TRAINSPOTTING at 11:25pm on Film4.

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A twisted woman and a broken man become besotted with each other in the equally intellectually innovative and sickeningly gory J-horror AUDITIONat 01:20am on Film4.

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