Why I Hate Children in Need

So you thought Children in Need was all about the kids, yeah? Take my advice and rip the socket out of the wall after donating...
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So you thought Children in Need was all about the kids, yeah? Take my advice and rip the socket out of the wall after donating...

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We'd like to see Pudsey's bear juice spiked with PCP

CHILDREN WHO HAVE suffered horrific abuse or hardship will tonight put their personal woes to one side to help those even more unfortunate than themselves – vain, shallow, self-obsessed celebrities.

Thousands of children are allowing their personal tales of heartache and grief to be exploited so that a bunch of smug, overpaid TV presenters, soap stars and reality show winners can be given the fame and attention they crave.

The BBC’s annual Celebrities in Need night will turn the spotlight on these sad individuals, many of  whom have been so marginalised by society they weren’t even considered for ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

Though cunningly disguised to make it look like it is the celebrities who are helping the underprivileged kids, it is the children from broken homes and tragic backgrounds who are selflessly helping massage the celebrities’ egos. By allowing their stories to be told, they will be helping desperate cases like the stars of Doctor Who and X-Factor get the kind of publicity that other celebrities can only dream of – the kind that comes with a generous sugar-coating of “being for a worthwhile cause”.

So Matthew*, aged 12, doesn’t mind his parents’ alcoholism being used by Tess Daly to bolster a CV that already reads: lingerie model, celebrity mother and barely competent autocue-reader. And nine-year-old Sammy can laugh off the beatings he received from his drug-dealing dad knowing that he is helping bring Fearne Cotton to a wider audience.

Rebecca, aged 15, turned to drugs after leaving home following the death of her mother.  As her addiction grew worse, she was forced into prostitution to finance her habit.  But after hearing that The Saturdays had selflessly agreed to compete against McFly in a pop star edition of Strictly Come Dancing, she now realises that all those nights spent sleeping in doorways and being abused by punters were worth it.

The next big charity celebrity love-in will take place next March.  Featuring lots of comedians and red noses, it has been renamed Hand Relief Day.

Meanwhile, 14-year-old Annie has talked about the agony she suffered at the hands of school bullies, just to make a dream come true for the highly-paid and pampered stars of Coronation Street and Eastenders who will be delivered by a convoy of chauffeur-driven limousines to spout meaningless showbiz platitudes on tonight’s show.

Another bullying victim, 11-year-old Peter, said: "I used to be too scared to go to school. Kids hit me and pushed me around.”  But he takes consolation from the fact that if the bullies are watching tonight’s show, and endure it as far as Fiona Bruce, Kate Silverton and assorted other vacuous newsreaders performing a Louie Spence-choreographed dance at 10.40pm, then he will truly have got his revenge.

Steven, now 14, was abused at the age of four by his grandmother's boyfriend. But thanks to the care and skills of trained counsellors, he is able to put his own torment to one side and let Peter Andre take centre stage to perform a tribute to renowned kiddie-fiddler Michael Jackson live in the studio.

All the brave youngsters can take satisfaction from the fact that none of the celebrities will have to donate any money from their own obscenely-large pay packets. Last year, the public contributed £39 million to Celebrities in Need. That’s the equivalent of a state-of-the-art children’s hospital wing equipped with life-saving equipment. Or six kung-fu documentaries fronted by Jonathan Ross.

All the children recognise that so much money would never be raised without the celebrities’ selflessness in putting themselves in front of an adoring studio audience full of incontinent grannies and people who still point at aeroplanes.  They just wonder if a whip round in the BBC canteen might be more cost-effective and spare the rest of us seven hours of televised celebrity self-love.

The next big charity celebrity love-in will take place next March.  Featuring lots of comedians and red noses, it has been renamed Hand Relief Day.

*Children’s names have been changed but all are genuine case studies supplied by charities supported by Children In Need.

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