Another nail-biting-stomach-churning evening filled with high emotion has passed… but enough about me. The X Factor results show was also on and I had the ‘pleasure’ of watching it. Lucky, lucky girl. It all kicked off with little Dermot O’Leary in yet another ill-fitting suit – seriously Derm, if it doesn’t do up without straining, it’s cool to leave it undone. O’Leary was on top form again, those growling-into-a-crescendo sentences don’t just deliver themselves! He got the crowd hyped before ad-libbing and awkwardly finishing his first link with, ‘their nerves are, err… a jingling and a jangling tonight!’ Prime time presenting right there ladies and gentleman.
The judges were next to the party with Louis looking like any other Irish bloke who wants to sell you a three-legged pony. Kelly and Tulisa BOTH wore white dresses but crisis was averted due to their different lengths. Phew! Kelly rocked a floor length Galliano number. You remember John Galliano, the designer who was sacked from his job earlier this year for being a massive racist. Tulisa went for a shorter ensemble resembling something of a ropey re-hash of Bjork’s swan outfit. I’m not judging Tulisa on her outfit at all by the way… I’m just saying she looked really really stupid. Gary appeared as the other book-end in a very dapper-tux-black-tie-designer-beard combo. Standard.
After a few more Oxfam style pleas from Dermot the weekly group song began. This is where the contestants all mime along to a song really badly. So badly you physically cringe and want to self-harm. This week it was Jessie J’s ‘Price Tag.’ Johnny’s, ‘everybody look to their left’ line was made more unconvincing by the fact he had no idea where his ‘left’ was and Frankie managed to still not sing in tune EVEN THOUGH IT WAS PRE-RECORDED.
The guests this week were JLS and Florence and the Machine. As JLS cried their way through their song I couldn’t help but shout, ‘I DON’T CARE HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD THAT NOTE ASTON JUST DO A SODDING BACK FLIP!’ They performed on a set that appeared to be a homage to a west-end musical (if that musical had four over-styled lads from a River Island advert in it singing nineties ballads). Andrew Lloyd Webber will be turning in his grave. He’s not dead yet? Oh.
Florence and the Machine were next to hit the stage, although rather disappointingly there was no sign of the machine. Again, Flozza looked a little too ‘dead rubbish tranny’ for me but she sounded good. Her religious looking set appeared to be a huge church and she had 6 bridesmaids waving some fabric off the back of her dress while a gospel choir wailed. She basically did exactly what I’d do for my performance if I wanted to strike a balance between pretentious and ethereal. Dermot bounced back on stage and finally the show got to the good part.
Cue the public execution and dramatic lighting.
The lines are closed guys. THEY ARE FUCKING CLOSED.
Johnny looks like someone’s stuck a straw in the back of his head and sucked. Really hard.
Dermot fired through the results with Little Mix, Marcus and Mischa B preceding Gary’s hat-trick as Craig and Frankie flew through too. The crowd were clearly perturbed about Frankie’s result. Janet was the last one safe and she leapt off the stage leaving; The Risk, Johnny and Kitty as the three acts with the lowest votes this week.
After a dramatic pause, god he loves a pause, Dermot revealed, ‘The Risk’ were heading home as they had the lowest overall votes. Tulisa and the crowd were clearly shocked and after the ‘this is your life’ video montage was played the boys appeared very humble. They did the normal ‘you haven’t seen the end of us’ speech, because they are of course going to stay together. They are! Forever. There’s no way that lad who is ‘the only one who can sing’ will go solo.
This dramatic turn of events meant that both of Louis’ acts would have to perform in the sing off. Louis even slurred his words in an attempt to sound sincere as he introduced Johnny to sing The Righteous Brothers' ‘Unchained Melody.’ I’ve never warmed to Johnny for two reasons… Firstly; he looks like someone’s stuck a straw in the back of his head and sucked. Really hard. Secondly; his shaky-hand-holding-mic-in-front-of-mouth looks too much like he’s nervously performing fellatio. Yes yes, I’m sure he’s a lovely bloke but this is showbiz kids. You can’t let nerves get the better of you.
Kitty chose Kelly Clarkson’s, ‘Beautiful Disaster’ as her ‘save me’ song and yet again, she forgot her trousers. Surely someone in the wardrobe department will get a disciplinary over this? Once the singing was done (thank god) Dermot turned to the judges and began the ‘lets see who can look the most serious in their face game.’ Louis ended up after much deliberation sending Johnny home based on the fact he wanted to choose the act he knows could have a recording contract in ‘the real world.’ That’s right Louis. Reiterate the fact this is not a credible way to gain respect in the music industry. Simon Cowell will be turning in his grave. What? Oh.
Tulisa and Kelly also chose to save Kitty based on that’s who they’d go to see in concert. Sure, they’d definitely go to Kitty’s concert. Gary didn’t get to vote but he added that, ‘Johnny is one of the nicest guys in the competition.’ That’s a lovely thing to say Gary, totally makes up for the fact he’s not getting a record contract. When Louis was asked what he thought Johnny should do next he cried and said ‘I don’t know, it’s a hard thing for me.’ Umm… I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about now Louis. I think you’ve misunderstood the question. Johnny went on to say, ‘thank you to everybody in the UK who accepted me for being me.’ Oh Johnny, pass me the Kleenex. It’s been emotional.
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