X Factor 2011, Week 14: A Drug And Drama-Free Zone

Movie tunes, new hairdos and Dermot's dodgy dancing didn't impress this week. Perhaps a touch of the old Cocozza marching powder would have livened up proceedings ...
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Movie tunes, new hairdos and Dermot's dodgy dancing didn't impress this week. Perhaps a touch of the old Cocozza marching powder would have livened up proceedings ...

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It’s the 4,586th week in The X Factor and we’re now down to the final 6 contestants. This basically means, it’s 5 weeks until Christmas.

Continuing with the highly questionable and highly annoying dance routines, Dermot ‘absolutely nothing like James Bond’ O’Leary pranced onto the stage with a harem of ladies in shiny gold onesies. Now you would be right to assume that any bloke would look quite cool arriving onto a glitzy stage to the James Bond theme song, especially if they were accompanied with beautiful women in skintight clothes gyrating against them. Apparently not.

The show has not had as much press coverage this week as for the first week in a long time, no contestants have left of their own drug induced accord and no judges have feigned illness and put on their best sick voice. It’s been pretty boring. The only thing to report is Kelly and Tulisa have new hair colors; Tulisa in red and Kelly in purple. I have no idea what this means but since purple’s my favourite colour I’m saying Kelly won that round.

Chubs Carlton kicked off the show with another Craig-does-Adele-does number. This time it was the classic Bond track ‘License to Kill.’ He wailed away on stage grinning and swaying as the lights bounced of his shiny face and highlighted the hair on his chubby ears. In an attempt to not look like Rosie O’Donnell (again) Craig sported a fitted black suit because as we all know, Rosie wouldn’t be seen dead in a ‘fitted’ suit.

In a further attempt to inject some testosterone to his performance, Craig added a little gravel to his tones. This, however, was not enough to get him praised by the judges and he had a rather weak opening to the show. The judges said they weren’t happy on the song choice proclaiming that there are better Bond songs he could have delivered. I personally think they were all just annoyed that Johnny Robinson’s no longer in the competition, he’d have done a stonking ‘Goldfinger.’

She was probably sat at home, drinking out of a bottle of wine, surrounded by Lady Gaga posters and using an old Barbie as a Voodoo doll.

Janet, the little angry Irish feck, was second to perform with her rendition of ‘Kiss Me,’ most recently covered by ‘6 Pence None the Richer.’ Catchy band name.

The short video that preceded her performance yet again highlighted her angst at being molded into something she’s not. She stated, ‘I’m not boring, I’m just a little weird.’ Cut to her smiling and clapping and LAPPING UP THE ATTENTION and being just like any other mainstream ‘normal’ girl at a photo shoot and on the red carpet. Bloody hypocrite.

Louis of course praised her ‘natural Celtic charm’ and the other judges were pleased she was back on form. Weird, slightly depressive and predictable form. Janet also had new red hair last night. I’m not entirely sure if it was the brightness settings on my TV but I am almost confident it was on fire throughout her performance.

The third performance saw Amelia ‘candy-floss hair’ Lily in her first week as a proper full contestant. Amelia celebrated this by singing an Aretha Franklin song, like Sheryl Crow, whilst dressed as Avril Levigne.

Her interpretation of ‘Think’ from Bridget Jones Diary had the potential to be great and although the altered arrangement made it a tad uncomfortable she received rave reviews from judges. I’m certain Kitty wouldn’t have missed out watching Amelia’s performance now she’s out of the competition. She was probably sat at home, drinking out of a bottle of wine, surrounded by Lady Gaga posters and using an old Barbie as a Voodoo doll.

The fourth performance of the night came from soul diva Misha B who has had a tough few weeks in the competition. It’s been hard for her to shake off the claims she is a bully and last week she ended up in the bottom two. In order to rectify this, production staff thought it would be a great idea to film her and Kelly crying their eyes out about their long lost parents. Yeah, that’ll get the votes in.

The emotional video set Misha B up nicely to come out and give a real gut-wrenching ‘from the heart’ performance of the classic ‘I have nothing’ from The Bodyguard. Her tears at the end of her performance for her frustration in the competition cleverly disguised as ‘missing mummy’ tears. You can’t fool me lady.

Now I’m a little young for Ghostbusters but I’m pretty sure that the song used to go something like, “Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!’

Being a young female normally means that I should have an instant dislike or jealousy towards the girl band within the X Factor but Little Mix honestly make that impossible for me to do. They looked and sounded fantastic last night, even the wide-headed one my friend Tom affectionately calls ‘Hey Arnold.’ They came out and stormed the crowd with the En Vogue classic ‘Don’t let go.’

This tune let them really showcase their vocals and harmonies and set the bar for their best performance yet, they were instantly trending worldwide on Twitter. It was really great to see them singing an En Vogue song and I was wondering where Tulisa got that idea from. Maybe it’s the fact Kelly has been telling her EVERY WEEK that the girls are the nearest thing we have to En Vogue and that they should sing one of their songs? Or maybe she just came up with the idea all on her own.

Marcus Collins finished the show with the infamous and blinding Ghostbusters’ track, ‘(Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher.’ Now I’m a little young for Ghostbusters but I’m pretty sure that the song used to go something like, “Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!’ This was another prime example of the tenuous way in which the judges choose songs that only, from a huge distance, on a cold morning, if you’re looking with one eye squinted whilst tapping your head and spinning around relate to the theme. ‘Apparently’ the song was in Ghostbusters II… but I’m presuming it was in an unmemorable scene, which was cut from the film.

The judges alternate between nice and nasty with each contestant each week and last night it was the turn for everyone to get back on praising Marcus so he finished the show on a high. Although I think that was partly to do with the lyrics.

It’s a tricky one to call as to who will go out this week but my prediction is Janet Devlin. If it’s not her then I think either Misha B, Craig, Marcus, Amelia or Little Mix could go to. Don’t quote me… it’s just a hunch.

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