Hurrah! It’s X Factor time and I’m bloody excited. I went to Ladbrokes and put fifty quid on Kitty Brucknell covering Patty Smith’s Piss Factory tonight. I think I’m going to make a killing. Sadly I couldn’t find a single bookies who would let me put money on Frankie Cocozza doing a special rendition of Simon and Garfunkle’s Cecilia, with his own lyrics. (“Chlamydia, you’re breaking my heart...”)
It’s 7.45PM and according to my Twitter feed, everyone is fraught with anticipation. I need to get some non loser friends who actually go out on a Saturday. I like to think that as the nation watches ITV with bated breath, Amelia Lily (one of last week’s casualties) is leaning over a bath with her hair wrapped in a towel going a sensible shade of brunette.
It begins, with Gary referring to his ‘boys’ being great. He MUST mean his testicles. No-one thinks Frankie Cocozza is great. Although he does look like a testicle.
This week’s theme is love and heartbreak which seems a bit whatevs. I thought all songs were fundamentally love songs about someone or something unless they're set to a disco beat and to do with passionless bumming.
First up we have Nu Vibes. Oh Christ, they’re singing a vocoder-y version of U2. I thought they said they wanted to stay in the competition?! Unless their take on the theme is 'love of dancing on Perspex boxes' I'm not feeling it. After two minutes of misery they go and chat to Dermot. One of them appears to be wearing surgical scrubs under his jacket, which is not relevant but interesting.
The judges are underwhelmed, and Kelly says the “guys” need to work together because the “guys” are just “guys” in a band and “come on, you guys!” I think she might be sponsored by Guys Hospital in Lewisham. She addresses one of the band members who is apparently called Ashford. I don’t know what the others are named - presumably Orpington, Maidstone, Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells.
Sami's up next. She's all sweet and spangly, like an enjoyable Jane MacDonald. And she swore during rehearsal! It got bleeped out, but she's edgy, man, watch your back, Taylor Momsen. She’s doing a Dolly with I Will Always Love You.
As keen as I am to dismiss this as schmaltzy nonsense my skin is going all goose pimpley. Thanks for the emotional betrayal, skin.
Tulisa loves it - Sami "nailed it." She's enunciating like Tony Benn. Presumably Tony Benn was also worried about getting lipstick on his teeth. Louis is also a fan. He must have secretly been made Dictator of Wales in the ad break because everyone in Wales "has to pick up their phones" and vote. Best do it, Valley kids. Louis looks like a be-header.
It’s like getting a ceaser salad with soggy croutons and dirty iceberg and dressing made from semen.
Dermot reminds us of the theme, telling us Gary has literally written a million love songs. He hasn't. He's literally written "a million love songs".
Craig is next - I think it’s Craig but he might be “Craig” as performed by Peter Kay. Like Sami, he’s big boned AND edgy. I can tell he’s edgy because he’s wearing a leather jacket. He’s singing “Best Thing You Never Had by Beyonce and my favourite thing about it is the way his red trousers match the red lighting onstage. I’m not sure about his final seductive snarl, though. It's like he needs emergency sexy dentistry.
Louis says he's 'brave', so I think he must have practiced the song whilst saving children from a burning building? Kelly is not a fan because she's 'biased'- is this because no-one can sing it better than Beyonce or because of her “secret” Beyonce rivalry? That said, she calls him Creg so what does she know?
After Craig is Janet. Now, I THINK Kelly just said that Janet was 'mashed' for every performance. I like her a lot more now. We heard Janet got some sad news this week - and just when I was thinking “seriously, another fucking sob story!” I found out her granddad died. I’m a bad, bad person. Janet sounds gorgeous, but she’s a bit vowelly. Her version of Can’t Help Falling In Love With You sounds a bit welsh. Gary does say she’s “a great translator of music” - so perhaps she did sing it in a special consonant free language. When she sang, she 'actually touched' Louis. Whether or not this was consensual is unclear.
Now it’s time for Frankie “get your” Coccoza “out”. We hear delivered 'in a big way' last week, which explains the nationwide Zoo, Nuts and Kleenex shortage. Harry Style’s evil twin gives us some Coldplay. Flat Coldplay. It’s like getting a ceaser salad with soggy croutons and dirty iceberg and dressing made from semen. Although he does some acting during the “nobody said it was easy part” by making a poo face. An “I’m shitting a dodecahedron” poo face. As if he ate the head of Kryten from Red Dwarf and it’s made entirely of fibre. The judges don’t like it. Louis spoils for a fight and Kelly deflects his scrappy intentions with the sheer power of her shiny fringe.
Johnny, token bringer of LOLz is up next. In the footage from rehearsals he’s in specs and checks and looks a lot like Justin Bieber. Capitalise on that, Johnny! That’s where the money is! But no, he walks on stage dressed as Jedi Geisha Barbie and sings Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. He’s quite good fun but I stop paying attention to him as his dancers are wearing really cool shoes. They’re a bit fetishy and a bit Oh-Ren-Ishi-y. I wonder where they got them? Johnny ends the performance by yelling ‘Vogue!’ which I think must be camp for “I’ve finished!”
His performance has Kelly foxed. She keeps staring at him, saying “Johnny! Wow! Um, Johnny!” as if post coitally stunned. If Kelly Rowland were in a post coital position with Johnny I think we’d all be stunned.
Gary’s not a fan of the styling - according to him, Johnny looks like Aladdin. Would that be A-Lad-In-Louis?
Marcus is next. Gary describes his protegee as "a young, cool, energetic guy". This made me wonder if Gaz wrote the blurb for male escort sites during his fat phase.
All the fluff in the world will not take the edge off the fact that she looks like Myra Hindley with that haircut.
Marcus is singing Pull The Trigger by Rihanna. Will he run to a field and get naked? No, he will sway like a man with allergies who used a budget fabric conditioner to wash his pants. Again, the judges aren’t sure about his song choice, but Dermot notices that Marcus is showing his connection to the tune by bringing his hand close to his heart. Is that a fist of pure emotion? Hashtag Barlow Branding!
And so to Rythmix. They seem like lovely girls but I think their stylist is one of those people who takes the wrong suitcase from under the bed when they go on holiday and spend two weeks in Marbella with some old school lacrosse kit, unfinished knitting and an acrylic duvet. One of the girls has skinned a Rubik’s cube for her skirt which is cruel, and a bad example to the kids. But their “Like a bird” cover is ace - gorgeous, sugary, bubbly and a little bit unhinged, like when you cut cava with Relentless. I think there are jingle bells too. Nothing makes me ring premium rate numbers and vote like jingle bells. Louis loves it. I think they remind him of Samantha Mumba (which autocorrects to Samantha Mumbai). Tulisa says they’re “real girls” and like everyone on Twitter I said “oh, I thought they were holograms!” Bwahahahahaha. Kelly wants to see them grow, which is fair enough. Apart from the one in the patterned trousers. Love, if you want to be a pop-star it’s best not to do any more growing. Adele is very talented and very lucky.
Here we have Misha B, and I think this performance is going to be entirely and distractingly hair based. She’s wearing a glorious tin foil purple jumpsuit with shoulder pads that could support giant pales of milk in the seventeenth century. She’s like Grace Jones. If Grace Jones did a clothing line for Asda. And she’s singing “Would I Lie To You” by Charles and Eddy which makes me want to weep because I sound so much better when I sing along to it on the radio, especially when I get to the bit that goes “la la la la la you will NEVER find another grrrrl in this HEART of MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!” But I suppose it’s technically OK. Misha is a bit like Michael Jackson - weirdly intense and aggressive onstage and then when she chats to Dermot she sounds like an infantillised Yoda. Well, I’m not sure Dermot and MJ ever chatted, but you know where I’m going with this. The judges comments pass me by because all I can think about is what could be securing her tits. Duck tape? Pritt Stick? Hope?
Here come The Risk. I’m not sure about this but I THINK some of them used to be in Blazin’ Squad. Hey, The Risk! One Direction want their trousers back! Oh, sorry, no, they said you could keep them. They sing Bruno Mars, which makes me feel quite resentful about watching this show on a Saturday. If I wanted to spend my weekend watching some shiny boys sing a Bruno Mars song I’d go to Lucky Voice and sit in a stranger’s booth. Then I’d cut them off mid song and insist on singing Would I Lie To You. Gary says “this is what hard work and commitment sounds like.” Can I see a lazy, flaky band please?
The judges comments pass me by because all I can think about is what could be securing her tits. Duck tape? Pritt Stick? Hope?
Is it Kitty next? I’m excited about Kitty, the way I get excited about friends asking me to extract ingrowing hairs from their shins. Ah, no, not Kitty. Sophie. Sophie who wants to be known for her singing. Not her predilection for stripy tank tops. She looks very, very pretty, although it takes me a while to work out that she’s singing “Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling. My housemate Shazam’d it, and it came up as Man I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain.
Tulisa approves, saying “you’re a North West London girl.” I hold my breath and wait for her to declare a postcode war. Gary explains the competition isn’t just about being a great singer, and suddenly I understand his attachment to Frankie Coccozza.
And, now, at last, iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Kitty! I'm FUCKING excited. We see her talking about her fans, loving her fans and doing it for the fans. All the fluff in the world will not take the edge off the fact that she looks like Myra Hindley with that haircut. But this is why we love/hate her so.
It begins, the music starts, and...oh no! Kitty has forgotten how to stand up! She’s lying on the floor surrounded by playing cards. One of her producers must have whispered something helpful in her earpiece, because she’s up and dancing and being Alice in Bjork Wonderland if Alice had contracted glittery eye herpes from Frankie Coccoza. Kitty was good fun, and I didn’t hate her like I thought I would, which disappointed me. When she stops singing she looks like discarded ectoplasm. I don’t know if her talent is so intense that it uses the energy of her beauty or if she’s just rough as a box of dirty gussets.
Gary says that she would definitely be staying in “if it was just a singing contest and not just a popularity contest” and I have new respect for the man’s ability to be a bitch.
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