Ah, judges’ houses stage in X Factor, the one time of the year when Louis Walsh has to pretend he doesn’t live in a box at the end of a rainbow and Nicole needs extra security to enforce Lewis Hamilton’s restraining order. Sharon Osbourne is the only judge to invite the contestants into her actual house which isn’t surprising as Louis doesn’t have an actual house, Gary lives on past glories and Nicole is often too high to have a clue where she’s meant to be. Sharon says her judge is ‘someone fabulous’ although it’s actually Robbie Williams.
Singer number one is Sam. Robbie Williams calls her ‘babe’ because he’s desperate for any female attention these days. Next is Lorna, who has her hair up and top down so Robbie is keen from the off. Shelley is a genuine psychopath and starts dancing. Robbie doesn’t know if he would go there, but then she does a weird form of fellatio with the microphone and convinces him that he would.
Now it’s Zoe, who reveals a tattoo of her daughter’s name which will look RIDICULOUS if they ever break up. The next girl brings a flute with her so her name is no longer relevant because with that kind of originality she’s doomed and we’ll never hear from her again. Her last note makes a hundred dogs die and then she cries. Finally it’s Joseph, who hasn’t brought his son, which I guess means he thinks he’s got enough of a personality without him. Error.
That’s the overs done. Only three can go through; the rest will be killed and used for Ozzy’s supper.
The boys start their section with an obligatory run-into-the-sea shot. Louis has failed to attract anyone famous for his judge so instead he’s roped in three C-listers. Sinitta is basically naked. One of the lads blows his load; this is all a bit awkward.
First up is Luke who’s the one that hasn’t washed his hair ever. Sinitta hasn’t washed between her legs ever so these two should get on well. Then we have Sam. Sam can’t sing so he must have got to this stage based on his fringe alone. One of Louis’ nobody judges says he has star quality, and she must be right because she’s really very famous.
Next up is Paul who’s looking quite hungry. If a C-list judge goes missing we’ll know why. Following on from him is Giles who is so small he could fit in one of Paul’s extra chins. Sinitta has molestation in her eyes and I fear Giles doesn’t have the strength to escape her clutches if she pounces.
Ryan has quit his job to come here, which going on his opening notes was probably a mistake. Nicholas has already lost control over Sinitta once today and, oh, no, it happens again on his final note. He cries, they think it’s about the competition, it isn’t.
Decisions! Sam is through. She cries a lot and needs a cup of tea. Flute girl and Zoe are GONE but Lorna goes through and tries to give Sharon a hug until her boobs get in the way. Sad.
Will the last spot go to psycho Shelley or “I’m a dad you know?” Joseph? It’s Shelley! Joseph will have to dine out on having a little kid for a bit longer. YOU MUST NEVER GROW OLD, CHILD.
For the boys Sam with the fringe is first. Louis doesn’t really rate his vocals, but takes him through anyway. Weird. Ryan is going home to sort out his sun burn. Gyles is going home to buy a better shirt, which can only mean one thing for Luke… he’s going through! If he keeps this up he’ll be able to afford shampoo.
One place left. Will it be Nicholas with the stains on his pants, or Paul with the stains on his pits? It’s Nicholas! He cries, Louis cries, Sinitta cries because she’s no longer on the screen. It’s all very emotional.
For those going home they’ll be forgotten about instantly, while those going through will be forgotten about in a few weeks. Is anyone a winner here? Nah, not really.