X Factor Results Week 6: Aiden Receives Random Electric Shocks

It was painful to behold, and his agonising, face contorting yelps, will long live in the collective mind’s eye of X Factor voters.
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It was painful to behold, and his agonising, face contorting yelps, will long live in the collective mind’s eye of X Factor voters.

Sweet baby Jane, that was a boy band night and a half. It kicked off with the UK’s third favourite multi racial pop group behind Damage and the ones who did I’ve Got A Little Something For You – JLS.

Next the ante was seriously upped when Westlife sent the whole of Ireland to the brink of screaming orgasm by leading into a rousing final verse of the most glorious love song by standing up from their stools and walking slowly towards the stage’s edge like plane crash survivors trying to make out an ocean liner on the horizon

Then Take That completed the most extraordinary of television threesomes, by inviting their prodigal brother, Robbie Williams, to take lead vocals, whilst Mark Owen occasionally mouthed, “this is amazing!” Gary chipped in on joyous singing duties, Jason mumbled lyrics through his nose into a switched off microphone, and Howard Donald squinted to read the words from an autocue.

The whole thing lovingly enjoyed by Simon Cowell dressed as a baddie from Falcon Crest, and his friends: Cheryl playing Minnie Mouse, Danni Minogue, and Louis Walsh, complete with a Nation of Islam bow tie. He shall thenceforth be known as Louis X.

The sing off, announced with the gravity of a high court judge by Dermot O’Really, was set to feature the Sunday night staple, Katie, and new boy Aiden – of whom Cowell had once leapt from his seat, grabbed his groin and shouted “I spy a pop star!” about. And the crowd went wild.

Paige will succumb to Louis X’s advice and perform a three-minute Frank Spencer impression.

Only, in this case, Cowell’s favourite pop star was forced to interpret his song for survival whilst being administered random electric shocks by volunteers behind the scenes. It was painful to behold, and his agonising, face contorting yelps, will long live in the collective mind’s eye of X Factor voters.

It was terrifying.

So Katie lives to fight another day. Aiden went on to explain to a sarcastic Adrian Chiles and Frank Lampard’s girlfriend that this isn’t the last you’ve seen of him, before they went to an ad break and ordered him out of the building. It was probably the last you’ve seen of him.

To summarise next week’s outing: Rebecca – who should really win the thing – will soar like an angel, then react to the judge’s comments like a woman who only seconds earlier was awoken from a trance. Cher will continue to plug the gaping hole left by the legendary UK rapper Mel B. Wagner will silently masturbate through his trousers in front of an enraged gasping audience.

Paige will succumb to Louis X’s advice and perform a three-minute Frank Spencer impression.

One Direction will emerge wearing the confusing fashion combo of t-shirts plus scarves to bewilder even the most hardened weathermen, who have never known such conditions to warrant this outfit.  Mary will shout something that demands eight minutes of hysterical applause. Matt will trigger a standing ovation of dogs in living rooms all over the country by finding notes completely out of reach from human ears.

Katie will be in the sing off.

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