Another year, another group of suited and booted youngsters ready to be ripped apart, and hopefully forced to tears, all for our enjoyment. And this year’s hopefuls to win £25,000 from the clammy hands of Lord Sugar are certainly one of the most pleasant line ups that we’ve had. There’s no point in even going through all the names that they’ve got because some of them won’t be doing anything interesting until, in a few weeks’ time, they tweet that the investor from Argos was ‘totes a c.’
This week’s, and series’, opening episode started as it hopefully continues with the boys team unable to spell their team name, and decided to stick with Odessy, even though it should be Odyssey and everyone knows that it should be. Even Karren didn't step in and say “listen, just Google it.” The heartless woman. The girls went with Platinum; kind of obvious really girls, but there’s nothing we can do about it now, it’s a done deal (business speak there).
The girls picking Platinum over the more flouncy Latin alternative is the most interesting thing that they managed to accomplish this week, so well done girls for not forcing Lord Shugs to dust off his linguistic trills and accents.
Some of them won’t be doing anything interesting until, in a few weeks’ time, they tweet that the investor from Argos was ‘totes a c'
For this week’s task both teams had to sort through tonnes of old clothes to see what they could resell and what they could customise into something new and improved. You’d think that the girls would have been a shoe in at pulling that off with ease, which they did, despite being led by a woman who looked like the sole combination of Emeli Sandé’s hair, Adele’s fashion sense and the business sense of Ebenezer Scrooge.
Team Odessy, however, had a trick up their sleeve. Actually, trick is a bit of an overstatement, he’s more like someone making a pen go wobbly by moving it up and down between your thumb and forefinger. Patrick McDowell, a fey 17 year old fashion designer with a penchant for embroidery, took the helm as he dove head first into sorting through the soiled briefs and authentic Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, taking with him David, the antithesis of Patrick: sexist, cocky and black, and another member who didn't make much of an impact. There was always going to be ructions between Patrick and David. Whereas Patrick is cool and collected, David is like someone drove a speeding train through an anxiety disorder support group.
There’s no way that David will win. He’s the Harry Maxwell of this series; eventually everyone will try and avoid him on the bathroom landing until he gets voted off and no one has to speak to him again. His opinions on women are startling in this day and age; he thinks groups of men can be controlled like dogs, and that although cooking is an ostensibly female past time, it’s the men who make the best cooks. We’re not sure how Delia Smith would feel about this, but she’s probably already drunk off trifle royalties.
We’re not sure how Delia Smith would feel about this, but she’s probably already drunk off trifle royalties.
Before the Trio of Discomfort go to Westfield in the hope that they can up-sell second-hand jeans and jackets to idiot shoppers who don’t realise it’ll be the same stock that’s in the local Scope, Patrick heads to a fashion studio to customise a silk kimono and a wetsuit (yes, wetsuit) into something even Cheryl Cole wouldn’t wear. Maybe Patrick’s design labels sells exclusively to the residents of Prince Eric and Ariel’s underwater kingdom, but we haven’t been told that so his scuba dress is still ridiculous.
Things don’t go well at Westfield. Bizarrely the scuba dress doesn’t bring people flooding into the stall, David tries to put his penis into every woman who he talks to and the other one just sells some clothes without doing anything noteworthy. The Trio leave to head to trendy Brick Lane, despite it being about one o’clock in the afternoon and Karren Brady looking at her watch on camera and shaking her lovely locks in disapproval.
Things go from bad to worse at Brick Lane because the scuba dress still doesn’t sell, although one woman would like a range based around the idea and another man slags off the idea of a scuba dress, claiming that they might have done better with just a kimono, while David is clearly thinking ‘told you so blud’ and sizing up who’ll be brought back into the Board Room.
Lord Shugs seems like he’s in a good mood, cracking really badly written puns with the efficiency of your grandpa at the Christmas Day afternoon/TV slump
As the 12 contestants take their seats the Board Room and hope that their anuses don’t give out mid-savage, Lord Shugs seems like he’s in a good mood, cracking really badly written puns with the efficiency of your grandpa at the Christmas Day afternoon/TV slump. Maybe the kids will get off with only a slight telling off instead of the full on Akira-style bristling beard smackdowns that the regular contestants receive. He even almost thinks about giving Nick a slap on the back and a congratulatory handshake for not getting fired from Countdown. But he doesn’t.
As was obvious from the very beginning, the girls win and their treat is a speedboat ride down the Thames. This is a World first because it’s the first time a boat has been shown on the Thames without it being related to the Jubilee or Olympics, and truth be told, we did miss seeing Jessica Ennis’ hair flapping in the wind, but we can’t have everything. Instead we have 6 teenage girls speeding down the Thames screaming like they’ve just been fingered by Harry Styles. It is a bit of a wonder that one of the girls was allowed on the boat because she has the biggest jaws on TV. She looks like someone crushed Ellie Goulding, Will Young and Stan from American Dad into one petite girl. She must’ve created some drag with that thing.
Back in the Board Room, Patrick has taken David and Max back in with him to face the music. Max has been quiet this episode, resorting to tidying a Car Boot Sale stall with fierce determination, to Karren’s chagrin. Patrick gets both barrels from David, who stops short of shouting ‘next stop: Flounce City’ whenever Patrick gets aggressive. Eventually Patrick plays an extension of the Gay Card and it’s game over for David. The only thing that beats the Gay Card is the Mixed Race Bisexual Card and the I Work At A Supermarket Card (but that only applies to X Factor). Anyway, Max is fired, despite being the cleverest person in the room and having one of the most advanced examples of autism on television.
Farewell sweet Max, we hardly knew you or had chance to learn your full name. With any luck, he might turn up in your local paper’s Court Round Up. That’ll be nice.
UP NEXT: The contestants have to make a cookbook, which David will be brilliant at because he’s a man and men are brilliant at everything.
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