Young Apprentice Week 5: Lord Shugs Gets Down With The Kids

By the time week 5 of Young Apprentice rolls around, it becomes clear to me that Lord Sugar is not just looking for a business employee, but also a carer to look after him as he becomes ancient...
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By the time week 5 of Young Apprentice rolls around, it becomes clear to me that Lord Sugar is not just looking for a business employee, but also a carer to look after him as he becomes ancient...

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After last week’s totally brilliant attempt at taking the tradition of English afternoon tea and forcing it through a colander of terrible and e.coli, at which both teams did exceptionally well, the Young Apprentices are back on our screens to try and entertain children for an extraordinary amount of money each month. More than that gym membership that you don’t use because your penis is too small.

Has anyone ever noticed that each of the tasks seem to be more focused on teaching teenagers how to be good parents? In week one, we had a task about sorting through clothes, like a parent would do when doing the laundry. In week two, we had a cookery book, and how to cook. Like what parents do. In week three, we had a scavenger hunt for theatre props, which is what affluent parents do each weekend when the little darlings go to drama school, but for everyone else, it’s practising dodging semen crisped socks and getting things that are all black. In week four, we had entertaining guests at a tea party. It seems that maybe Shugs has an ulterior motive and that instead of finding his new Apprentice, he’s also looking for someone who might also be able to look after him when his mind starts to wander and he frequently regales passers-by about the time that he invented the first PC, and had armies of people fighting between themselves to be his business partner. No one will believe him because it seems too fantastical.

But back to the eight remaining Apprentices who want to win some money from Lord Shugs. Instead of summoning them to a part of London that they didn’t know existed before that moment they pick up the phone, Shugs has sent them a handy message recorded on an iPad telling them that they have to create an original idea that educates yet entertains children; a bit like Pokemon but without the seizures. Or Rod, Jane and Freddy without the violent sexual undertones. He also jumbles the teams up a bit so more and more people are subjected to Maria’s tantrums or able to bask in David’s brilliance.

For those of you who don’t know; maybe you’ve wandered onto this article by accident and you were only looking for smut, David is brilliant. He thinks he can charm the pants off anyone, and, because he believes the ideologies of 80s Wall Street, he thinks he’s going to win Young Apprentice. Obviously he’s been set up for a fall; Wall Street might have made Tom Cruise a star (or whatever Jerry Maguire was about), but for everyone else, those suits are a stark reminder of how terrible life was. Thats why we have an Hilary Devey; so we can have a living monument to excessive greed and rampant consumerism.

Unfortunately for Lucy and David (moreso for Lucy), the romantic rumblings of lurrve still reverberate between them, and as Team Leaders are getting picked, Lucy sides with Ashley instead of David. When will Lucy drop this facade and accept that she is totally head over heels, lip smacking, worrying-every-phone-call-is-them-in-a-car-wreckage-professing-their-dying-love-to-you, love with David?

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Ashley thinks that teaching children about recycling is a brilliant idea, even though the rest of the team, especially Lucy, thinks that its the equivalent of vomiting loudly into a child’s face and that they should do something centred around dancing instead. Perhaps to tire everyone’s children out so they can watch Saturday Morning Kitchen in peace without little Samantha tearing up the place. Or just perhaps because keeping fit is a great way to stay in shape and look after your body.

It’s the tiring out children thing isn’t it?

Over on Team Maria, sorry, Platinum or whatever, they’ve decided to go with a space inspired educational group. Great idea, right? There’s always new things going on with space, new things going on, Doctor Manhattan showing us that even people who can go to Mars and blow up people into gooey messes can have relatively small penises. Although that isn’t suitable for children is it? The only downside is that no one on the team knows the first thing about space. They don’t even know the order of the planets. Which is astonishing because there’s loads of fun mnenomics to help you remember. For instance, Most Velour Enthusiasts Make Jokes Supposing Uranus Namedrops Politicians. Yes that makes sense. But thats alright because Patrick is sporting what ASOS keeps trying to peddle every Summer; the Short Suit. In Patrick’s defence, he is wearing it well (it someone manages to tone down his mince) and it almost makes me think again about my edict about short suits being the uniform of the massively emotionally deficient.

It's got to the stage in the show that the teams have devolved into everyone wanting to see what one member of the team is doing. So from now on, and until further notice, it will be Team Maria and Team David. If someone wants to start a hashtag thing going on, that would be swell. Sadly Teams Maria and David don't really hold a candle to Teams Brad and Jen, but it's good to know that we Brits have something for ourselves. Take them into your hearts and cherish them because Team Maria and Team David will be around for a long time (cough).

Day turns into night and then inevitably into day again, although David could have stopped that from happening if he wanted to, and it’s time for the pitches and frantic performances surrounded by children who’s parents thought it would be a neat idea that they appear on primetime BBC One, even though they would happily soil themselves while watching Peppa Pig or whatever is hip this Christmas for children. Both pitches go without major hitches (except for Navdeep spelling mistakes, which isn’t the first time this has happened) and before we can say ‘Doesn’t Karren Hardy look like she never ages?’ we’re in the Board Room of Doom.

Unsurprisingly, the Active Art group went down as good as a recycling one would have and they only get 400 licenses, whereas the idea of sending Maria into space got over 10,000 licenses. That’s a massive difference. That's the difference between slight identity theft, and major identity theft. It doesn’t take a statistician to tell us that. And as Ashley and David psych themselves up for War, Lucy is dragged into the combat, a lot like the majority of Europe was during the run up to World War 2; because someone had to.

David goes in early with a dig at Ashley’s management style; that being that she didn’t really listen that much. Ashley replies that David did nothing but fart loudly when he was in the mascot suit and generally scared children. And that they were smelly.

Not really, but by this point David’s been in the Bottom Three four times so it seems that that the chances are he’s going to be fired. Much like how that football manager of that team was fired that time. He hasn’t performed as well as he said he would do. He also hasn’t managed to lasso the Sun or find the rest of the Rosetta Stone.

And just like eggs is eggs and spiders walking are the most disgusting thing on the Planet, David is sent packing and Ashley is sent back to the house to put more mousse into her hair.

Poor David. He was our favourite contestant because he was so unsuited to the whole process and didn’t have a clue how to deal with women who know their own mind. He should come back next year when he’s read a bit more Caitlin Moran and watched Girls. Another downside of David being fired is that we’re never going to see the showdown between him and Maria. It’d be like Gandalf fighting the Balrog just with an Irish accent and more eyerolls than Louis Spence’s social circle (Maria is the Gandalf, obvs).

Now that David has gone, and we need a new villain, the action returns to the house and there’s rumblings of a greater evil; a stronger foe for Gandalf to slay. Andrew.

DUN DUN DERRR.