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10 Kids TV Characters We'd Like To Kill
Peppa Pig may have just won Baftas but we'd rather turn her into a bacon sarnie.
Dogtanian
Can you judge a character by the quality of their theme tune? If so, then even before you hear Dogtanian speak, with his ‘one for all and all for one’ refrain, you know you’ve been sold a pup. Quite who came up with the concept of an animated canine version of Alexandre Dumas’ novel, I have no idea. I’m guessing the brainstorming session got no further than that the stunning thought that ‘d’Artagnan? That sounds a bit like … Dogtanian!’ Rabies apparently, by the way. Sadly rife in revolutionary cartoon France.
Iggle Piggle
What’s that Iggle Piggle? Someone’s shredded the sail on your little boat? Oh that is a shame, especially with that storm brewing as well. What’s that? You want to know if I can get word to the Pinky Ponk to come out and rescue you? Well, I’d love to, but unfortunately I can’t understand a single squeak you’re saying …
Heidi
I’m not saying Heidi was dubbed badly, but she was still droning on about her beloved grandfather well into the subsequent edition of John Craven’s Newsround. This 213-part adaptation of the Johanna Spyri novel went on and drearily on like a Children’s TV version of Groundhog Day (I’m exaggerating, though only slightly). The most thrilling thing that happened in several years’ worth of Alpine ‘drama’ was when Peter the goatherd pushed sickly Clara’s wheelchair off the mountainside to prove she could walk. Careful now, Heidi: dangerous things, the sides of mountains…
Lola
I have this little character called Lola and she is extremely annoying. She thinks she is the most amazing and the best character ever because she can speaks in a girlie voice that is the most full of cutesy little linguistical mistakes. I’m waiting for the episode when she discovers why she is named after that song by the Kinks.
Scrappy Doo
The only way this cartoon character could be more aptly named was if his full name was revealed to be Scrappy Doo Doo. Scooby’s nephew was the scrappy scrapings of the Hanna Barbera barrel, the runt of the litter who had to be held back three times an episode from his empty threat to ‘let me at ‘em’. Stop being so over-protective, Uncle Scoobs, let’s see what Scrappy can do against the caretaker with the baseball bat. Oh, you were right. He wasn’t ready, after all.
The entire cast of ‘Why Don’t You’
Smug, self-satisfied do goody theatre school twunts to a tee. When they weren’t doing side-splitting joke routines with sock puppets, the Why Don’t You ‘gang’ were telling readers to switch off and go and do something less boring instead. Well, ‘gang’, we viewers actually like watching TV, so if you think you’re better than us, you can always sod off and do something you think more worthwhile (I don’t know, brass rubbing or something), and leave the rest of us with the Battle of the Planets repeats we’d far rather be watching. Last seen, I think, as murdered extras on The Bill.
Orville
I wish I could fly. You can. I can’t. You can. Actually, you can’t Orville. That’s because Keith Harris has got his hand shoved firmly up your backside, preventing you from taking off by clinging on tightly to what amounts to the last shreds of his dignity.
Little Princess
The revolution, according to the late, great Gil Scott Heron, will not be televised. Which is a real shame, frankly, because if it was, an updated version of controversial eighties programme Death of a Princess would be a absolute ratings winner. That and the spin-off show in which Jane Horrocks is charged with being a collaborator, her voice-overs found guilty of causing mass suffering among parents everywhere, and after losing the subsequent phone in vote, taken quietly round the back.
He-Man
I could cite the almost creative non-creativity of his name. I could mention a costume change to superhero so transparent you worry for all the other ‘Where’s Prince Adam gone?’ characters. But really, it was the moralising Jerry Springer style ‘final thought’ at the end that took the entire pack of Hob Nobs. Every week, He-Man would piously lecture the viewer about how lying is bad, being nice to people is good, and that writers making cheap innuendo about a character discovering the ‘power’ of his ‘sword’ are neither big or clever.
Peppa Pig
Daddy, Daddy! Why isn’t Peppa Pig on Milkshake this morning? I’ve no idea, love, but come and eat your breakfast while it is still warm. Now, do you want brown sauce or ketchup to go with your bacon sandwich?
Tom Bromley’s latest book, All In The Best Possible Taste, is out now in paperback.
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COMMENTS
What?!?! no barney! no teletubbies! sure recipes for early dementia.
The bullet would spray Scrappy's brains all over the wall. That little bastard ruined my favourite cartoon of all time. I'll never be able to forgive the annoying little git. And a great shout on Orville too. I saw keith Harris at Centreparcs in Cumbria earlier this year (as a guest - not some piss-poor cabaret turn). Can't think why our better halves were tutting away as 4 half-pissed blokes, sat in Bella Italia just 20 ft away from the 'great man', took turns to shout 'I Hate That Duck' at ever increasing volume. That stronger version of Peroni has a lot to answer for...
zack from saved by the bell
Woody bloody Woodpecker. Can anybody explain the appeal? No, I thought not.
I like Heidi, and Peppa Pig. Nice girls. Still, we can't always agree. You missed the following: 7 Zark 7 from Battle of the Planets. Utter cunt. Not in the Japanese original, and rightly so. Jamie (with magic torch). Totally failed to abuse his powers. Same goes for every hero in the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. Pansies, the lot of them. Lord Venger was alright, but how did any of those fuckers get any xp?
Rent-a-ghost........the whole bloody lot of them but especially that bearded, jester twat, Mr somebody or other.
Don't particularly agree with He-Man or Why Don't You in the list...and where the holy hell is Pokemon (and most other Japanese shite)?
Peppa Pig is the Kath Kidston of kid's TV, get rid of her - and George for that matter, the whinging little get - and just follow Daddy Pig around all day, then you'll have a show on your hands! And I have to agree with GOS, Barney (along with BJ, Baby bastard Bopp and any kids that appeared on the twatting show) would be first against the wall!
HE-MAN??? what??!!! He's a hunk :-)
I agree with the others Tom but Dogtanian??! One of the greatest kids shows ever made sir and the box-set takes pride of place in my DVD collection. M'Lady the spy cat was also my first crush. I feel I've shared too much.
Horrid-fucking-Henry. I'm hugely anti-smacking but fuck me that kid is a walking advert for a beating. He's not hard done by, he's not treated badly, he's an obnoxious, devious little shit who could do with a few days in an old style borstal. His parents want smacking too for letting him get away with it. Cunts the lot of them. Oh and you're wrong on Peppa, that's genius.
Peppa Pig and her ilk are patently drawn to resemble a cock and balls.
Yeah, you're wrong about Charlie & Lola and Peppa. Daddy Pig is a legend and inspiration to us all. Got the rest about right though. And Adam, I couldn't agree more about that wee shitebag Horrid Henry.
Jerry. And tweety of course. They HAVE to be eaten finaly. Oh, and beep-beep too.
Iggle Piggle scores extra points for looking like David Cameron
Dogtanian? He-Man? You, Sir, can fuck the fuck off. (Pretty spot on about the rest though to be fair).
Two words: God and zuki
Steff, I'd forgotten about that little twat Godzuki, he even ruined the Godzilla theme tune! I'd beat him to death with Scrappy Doo!
Anyone remember Gouber and the ghostchasers?
Us Irish have suffered a lot over the years. Colonisation, Famine. But possibly the most suffering was caused by a little puppet called, Bosco! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auEK97OIwdE
Dogtanian should not be on the list, quality material which stands up today - my three year old twin boys love it. Whilst i also hate peppa pig, there are some redeeming qualities to the show. ONe of the voices is provided by brian blessed so it cannot be that bad and some of the humour is also quite good. Check out the episode when daddy pig builds mr wolf a house.
Telletubies, need sorting out with a machete and a lime pit, quite fond of dogtanian tho.
Surely the most annoying character ever is Ruby of Max and Ruby. Prissy little do hooded birch. Scrappy Doo would be prime candidate for vivsection lab...laugh that off, little shit.
Nice article. Scrappy Doo.. what a little bollix he was. Reminded me of a small kid in school who had a full blown Napoleon complex. Always cadging smokes too. And Heidi?.. memories of being bored almost numb cooped up on wet afternoons. She owes me HOURS of my life.
Junior Showtime was partly responsible for my wholehearted appreciation of punk rock when it appeared a few years later. Those showbiz kids used to fill my soul with such awful embarressment and loathing for those little performers....and Mark Curry.
Yeah Barney the sodding dinosaur was the bane of my life when my son was about 2. Horrible horrible horrible.
Whacky, without any characters from Wacky Races? Dick Dastardly, anyone, or Mutely (why does my spellchecker keep changing that dog's name to Mutely? It knows, it knows!) I am doing the sniggeringly sick laugh while I write this - honestly. And, what, no Captain Bathwash... whoops... Pugwash? or any of his shipshape and Bristol fashion crew: the politically incorrect Seaman Staines and Master Bates - for goodness sake - what jolly japes - oh to have been scriptwriter back in the day.
Mike the knight. Just do what you are fecking told in the first place, you little bastard, or its a hot oil shower under the turrets. Every poxy episode the same. Do this mike, no I will do that, surprise surprise after 20 minutes of shite animation, he should have done this. Also how come yewtree have not been round to visit Mr tumble? If he isn't bumming spackers he is showing paedos how to groom them.
Florence in the Magic Roundabout. What a fucking tight-arse. She really needed to lighten up. Totally agree on the He-Man moralising. Go smoke a spliff and chill.
SABOTAGE
