This week our favourite poshos sang creepy songs in Spanish, spoke about not telling people about one night stands (on camera) and tried to deal with Spencer's leather jacket addiction...
Mark Francis has been shopping! You wouldn’t know it, because he’s completely bag free. That doesn’t sound like dear old Mark Francis – perhaps he just couldn’t find anything he liked. Maybe he pronounced everything upstairs in River Island “not chic” and stormed out in a huff. The man behind him has had much better luck – he’s properly loaded down with… hold on! HOLD ON! That man is employed just to hold Mark Francis’ shopping! And there’s tons of it! When someone asks Mark Francis “what did your last slave die of?” he probably honestly answers “muscle strain”.
Mark Francis is having a party because he’s “bored of the weather”. He’s thinking of a theme. He wants Capri, but “more Jackie O than Marilyn”, which has disappointed me enormously because I hoped the theme would be “musk”. Still, seeing as themes are now “chic” again, I’m going to turn up chanelling Jackie O from That Time She Dressed As A Centaur. You’ll like that, won’t you, Mark Francis?
He tells Victoria that they “have” to do some pre party wine tasting. “Wine not?” puns Victoria, cracking a smile with as much warmth as her namesake demonstrated on stage at the premiere of Viva Forever. I don’t think these two were meant for parties. They should just ask everyone to come over and be very quiet whilst they read fashion magazines and snark about pleather.
Elsewhere, the bois are having a drink and Biscuits is demonstrating a scarily nuanced knowledge of the structure of the royal family. Spencer’s bro is believed to be seeing P Middy, and Biscuits says “it would make you…something. You’d go around with a sword and a beard. You look like a Tudor.” Not even Prince Philip “goes around with a sword”, Biscuits! If it made Spencer anything, it would be an heir to the Party Piece fortune and liable for almost half a million in book advance losses.
And that’s only if Pippa is forced to marry Spencer because his brother dies. Is that why Spencer needs a sword? Louise is worried about Spencer living with single boys because there will be girls around. What does she think Spencer will do? Put on a mask and a dangly earring and say “yes, it is I, Proudlock! The boy who brought you home earlier. No, I don’t think my voice has changed! Let us go to my bedroom now.” Actually, don’t answer that. Spencer has “put a shitload of effort into the relationship and been faithful to” Louise. Brilliant. You haven’t put your dick into anyone that isn’t your girlfriend. Triple Nectar points for you!
The bois catch up on Francis’ speed dating, which may “reek of desperation” but has landed him a bird who’s “blonde, cute, and older than him” – Ashley. Francis has taken Ashley to a gallery, because he loves art almost as much as he loves skateboarding. Ashley quite likes hunting but “used to cry when I was in the Landrover and Daddy would chuck the dead bunnies at me.” Ashley’s book, Please, Daddy, No, Not The Dead Bunnies In My Face Again is available from the Abusive Childhood Autobiography section of all good WH Smiths. Not to be outdone, Boulle reveals that he raised a rabbit at boarding school and “used to charge younger boys for bunny cuddles. £1 for 10 minutes.” Is he going to buy a rabbit and rent it back to Ashley for profit, like a Dr Doolittle/Heidi Fleiss hybrid? Producers, if you’re listening, Boulle: Animal Pimp is a much stronger spinoff than the rumoured inside Andy’s Nostril.
Francis uses art to snog Ashley (“you know that Ashley Warhol video of two incredibly hot people kissing? Like THIS!”) whilst Sophia pronounces her “average” and “OK” from Millie’s candelit flat. Sophia, I know you’re a woman scorned, but stay classy. Ashley has skin like a virgin vanilla Crunch Corner and probably smells like a newly washed puppy. She’s HOT.
Andy is playing ping pong at a specialist club in Holborn. I think he’s with Stevie. (I’ve been doing this for two and a half months and I still can’t tell the difference between Stevie and Sam.) Andy unveils his plan to spend more time with Binky and Cheska “as friends, with a fun vibe, not just chasing them”. If anyone told me they wanted to be my “fun vibe friend”, I would definitely turn all the lights off and hide behind the sofa when they rang the doorbell.
Ollie is having his eyebrows threaded, and Richard has come along to watch, because that’s what pals do. We find out that, post Amsterdam, Gabs accosted Ollie in a club, using the deathlessly sexy line “perhaps we could take this conversation into the bathroom”. Ollie declined. Seriously, dude. Where is your sense of urinal cake based horn? Wise Richard predicts disaster. “She’ll be back on that piano in no time at all.” We gotta FIGHT! FOR LAV-SEX! Meanwhile, Gabs is sad about the fact that letting Ollie all up in her front bum seems to have fucked their friendship in the back bum. Even her Clarissa Explains It All Hat can’t help her make sense of the situation. Incontestable proof that the nineties were simpler times.
Biscuits gatecrashes Francis’ date with Ashley, cheerfully explaining “it’s just like meeting the parents!” So, Biscuits, based on your previous, that means that Boulle is about to threaten to kill you. “Why are you trying to make this awkward?” complains Francis. Boulle, I love you dearly, but you can’t get four series in and then start questioning the premise of the show.
Binky’s Fun Vibe friendship with Andy is blossoming. Andy tells her that he likes girls who like “the beach and activities”. I HATE the beach – I’d much rather walk around a decommissioned nuclear power station in my pants – so that’s me out of the picture. I like the breadth of “activities” though – that means that you’re in with a chance, whether you like waterskiing or colouring in. By way of crazy coincidence, they also both like going to Cornwall. “Get out of town!” says Stevie/Sam in disbelief. Yes, that’s what they’re talking about. Getting out of town and going to Cornwall. Andy’s tastes gets even more niche as he reveals “I would like to have a girlfriend who would do it with me” and that he wants someone who would “pass the wetsuit test”. The wetsuit test is so complicated as to be practically insurmountable – basically, you have to be willing to wear a wetsuit. Cheska the sexpert starts to sauce things up. “You know what else Binky likes? SPANKING!” “Hello vicar!” smirks Stevie. I don’t think that’s a real expression.
Louise comes to look at the bois potential new house, and there are many tears. According to Spencer, Lou’s lucky to get a look in. “Even my parents don’t know that I’m moving house,” he explains. Yes Spencer, but a) they’ll know when they see it on telly and b) they’re probably paying for it.
Party preparations are underway, and Victoria is obviously having a strop. “I don’t like champagne, it’s too acidic” she pouts. But Victoria, your best friend in the whole world is Mark Francis! Firstly, you’ve probably just broken his heart, and also, what in the name of arse have you been doing with all the champagne you have been supposedly drinking at his house? Have you been throwing it out the window when he pops out to prune something? Do you keep a Capri Sun in your handbag for beverage emergencies? Weirdly, Mark Francis is not concerned about his friend’s treachery – just the dress code. “They’re going to turn up chanelling Marilyn Monroe and I’m just gonna HEAVE.” Because vomit is chicer than Kennedy humping starlets, amirite?
Sophia and Boulle have a sad, distanced chat on a bench. Francis is thrilled and surprised that Sophia remembers both Ashley’s name and the fact that Boulle likes hot chocolate. But that’s as close as we get to a snog. Francis, you’re wearing the comedy specs from Proudlock’s bonkers opticians, and Sophia still would. Just carry her off into the sunset on your skateboard.
In Evil Land, Carly is complimenting Lucy on her tits. “I know! I’m not even wearing a padded bra!” smirks Lucy. Perhaps she had to take the padding out to make space for her grill. She’s still got bad Spencer intentions, but “not for relationship purposes”. Maybe this is what the Mayans were fortelling. An unholy bone.
As Spencer’s dick is being discussed, Biscuits is having his dick measured. A nice lady is waving a tape measure at his wang. Is Biscuits still angry about Binky’s comments on the content of his kilt? Is he getting a certificate to confirm that he definitely has the penis of a grown man? No, he’s getting measured for a party suit. The bois decide that Mark Francis has been very sensible in suggesting a theme that is basically “come dressed as me”.
“That’s like me saying ‘wear a t shirt!’” says Biscuits.
“My themed party would be ‘come wearing a leather jacket!’” adds Spencer.
“When do you wear a leather jacket?”
“I’ve got, like, 50!”
“Where do you keep them?”
“AT MY AUNT’S HOUSE!” we all screamed at the telly. It’s unlikely that Spencer’s parents know how many leather jackets he owns – it makes sense that he would trust a different relative with them. Louise has been crying again, and Biscuits urges Spencer to do what all good men should do when they have made their lady sad – bugger off and move onto the next one.
The party is at Nonsuch Mansion in Surrey. That sounds more Pooter-esque than Mark Francis-ish, but never mind. Quite a lot of the girls have dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Is Mark Francis crying? No! He’s SINGING! With the Gypsy Kings! The Three Blind Mice are joining in on the chorus (and when they move their heads together towards the microphone, they’re either going to end up with concussion or headlice) but it’s Mark Francis’ moment. I’ve often wondered why he ever deigned to be on Made In Chelsea – it’s because the producers sat him down and said “in series four, we’ll let you DO A SONG!”
Binky and Andy have also been, erm, making sweet music. Sweet, awkward, regrettable, shameful, sexy music. At least they like the same activities! “Let’s not treat this as something to charge into!” says Andy, making it clear to poor Binky that one swallow does not make a boyfriend. Luckily, Biscuits is around to avenge her! He listens sympathetically in an off-theme boater, making it look like Binks is getting love advice from the man at the Gateway meat counter.
Ollie rounds on him too. Andy is told not to “be a pussy and walk away”. He walks away. Sophia has another run in with Ashley and pronounces her “a really lovely girl”, having been in her presence for a grand total of 23 seconds. Biscuits then heads off to blow up Splouise, telling Lou that she’s a whiny harpy. Guys! You used to expose each other to potential UTIs on the regular! Can’t you just be friends? It’s interesting that Louise’s poshness increases in direct proportion to her distress, whereas her nemesis, Lucy, who is CHATTING UP SPENCER AS LOUISE WEEPS, likes to put the Estuary in distress.
“Soooooo, Spencer, I was a bit of a bitch before. Soz. Anyhoo, in case you decide to bone me, which you will, here’s my number!” says Lucy. Leather jackets, 50. Nice, well intentioned chicks who want to shag you behind your girlfriend’s back, 0. Lou rocks up and she is smouldering in every sense. She could turn Lucy into a pile of ash with her eyes. She is a bit weepy and mad, but surely that’s an unavoidable side effect when you’re regularly exposed to Matthews peen. And Spencer, would you rather hook up with someone who looks like a young Liz Taylor, or someone who’s not quite hot enough to get a callback for Take Me Out? Actually, don’t answer that.
Next week, it’s Chriiiiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaaaaaaas! Mark Francis surprises everyone by becoming an Advocaat fiend and is found unconscious next to a 10 metre trail of Ferrero Rocher wrappers. Lucy gets Chlamydia from her Secret Santa. Millie and Victoria turn up to a pardy in matching Father Christmas hats and surprise everyone by thinking it’s a charming festive coincidence and becoming BFFs.
Are you a fan of Daisy’s Made In Chelsea reviews? To read more, you need to buy the Wickedly Unofficial Guide To Made In Chelsea eBook. The book is a hilarious and detailed guide to the entire series. For more information go here