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Made In Chelsea Series 5 Predictions: Sex, Bitches & Delicious Ostriches

by Daisy Buchanan
2 April 2013 2 Comments

After four glorious series, the one thing we can’t ever call Made in Chelsea is predictable. This season Daisy predicts a lot more sex and posh toff stupidity...

Made in Chelsea is soon to return for series five, so what can we expect? Sure, there will be awkward pauses, sun effect filters and cutaways to that headless woman walking around SW3 in a table cloth. There will be Bloody Marys (thanks @DebStevo90), pardies, spectacle wearing and a chatting about shagging to shagging ratio of 10:1. But we just might get owls, opera, carvery, ping pong, masked balls, musk, Cannes, fake snow, grills, Capri linens, martini throwing, Lost Boys and bumming for Jesus. Who bloody knows. I’m banking on some exciting new couple portmanteaus – e.g. Francis + Binky = Frinky, Spencer + Cheska = Speshka, maybe even Mark Francis + Ollie = Mollie. If the last two don’t get it together sexually, I’d love to see them collaborate on a beauty blog. Anyway, here are my unfeasible and yet definitely feasible series predictions:

Richard will lead a Chesney Hawkes hair fashion revival, and Millie will be forced to invite him into the Glamour offices where he will sit on a special throne made of Frizz-ease and dispense wisdom, answering only to the name “Dalai Barnet”. Rosie will be the first to seek his counsel, and find spiritual enlightenment at the business end of a Mason Pearson.

Kimberly will come back to train Lucy to speak “pretend posh”, and they will fall madly in love. They will release erotic DVDs of the event, and turn over more money in two weeks than Boulle Enterprises has ever made. The movies will be called “All up in her grill”, “All up in her grill II: The thrill of the grill” and

“All up in her grill 3: No willy, just grill on grill-y.”

Sophia will have left Boulle’s bear on a Manhattan hotel pillow. Boulle will mutter “it’s fine”, but weep silently and manly-ly into his fist, whenever he’s alone. Channel Four execs will approach him and ask if he’d like to do a feature length, Citizen Kane style rescue mission. Boulle will politely decline, but hurl a Murano decanter in their wake, screaming “How can you cheapen my grief?!”

Mummy Felstead will leave SW3 for W1 when she is invited to perform a weekly showcase at Raymond’s Revue Bar. She’ll impress audiences with her contortionist act, emerging naked from an Hermes Birkin. There will be lots of hilarious jokes about her “puppies” as she takes her bra off and Scrumble’s litter falls out. Binky will refuse to join her Mum on stage, but Gabriella volunteers without being asked.

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Cheska will remember that in episode one, she started a blog, and will do a post entitled “Sorry I haven’t written in a while”.

Following the runaway success of Ollie’s first title, Laid In Chelsea, he’ll sign a three novel deal with Penguin writing a series about a Victorian orphan who sets up a women’s correctional school in Australia. Critics will praise his “authentic voice”.

Spencer will tell Louise that he loves her and he’s sorry for being a giant dickhead and it was all a ploy to get famous enough to go on Celebrity Great British Bakeoff.

Spencer will be asked to leave the Celebrity Great British Bakeoff after he argues with the other contestants about the suitability of premade ingredients and ends up throwing a Vienetta at Mary Berry’s head.

Jamie Biscuits will ask Boulle to help him invent a new, sexy, romantic biscuit to seduce Binky and win her back after breaking her heart. The whole thing will be Shanghai-ed by Mark Francis who insists on making them musk flavoured.

Millie will be modelling her newest hat, a Rastafarian number, before announcing that she and Pro Green are heading to Barbados to record a concept album Halle Sell Asprey. They will be forced to leave when Millie attempts to Kerastase someone’s dreadlocks.

Proudlock will find out about contact lenses.

Mark Francis will acquire an obsession with ostrich meat.  At first, he’ll insist on only having it flambed in Remy Martin and wrapped in a Ferragamo napkin, but eventually he’ll be seen at dawn wandering the outer reaches of London, chomping through raw, bloody ostrich steaks. Eventually he will disgrace himself at an ostrich farm and be forced to attend a treatment facility, where he will give up the ostrich but develop a dangerous dependency on dried papaya.

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James 12:30 am, 3-Apr-2013

Interesting theories that I pray to any deity that is listening will become realities!

John 12:37 pm, 8-Apr-2013

I would rather have my eyes caked in raccoon shit for a month than watch a single minute of Made In Chelsea. Somebody soon must wake up to the acknowledgement that even the most tongue-in-cheek sarcastic quasi-mockery of this show is still indirectly endorsing this insidious and vapid stain on our cultural sensibilities. You cunts.

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