Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

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Confessions Of A Pet Shop Owner

If you think owning a pet shop is 100% fun, games, goldfish and cuteness then think again. It's all dogs shitting blood and requests for turkey shampoo...

Basket of Dogs only £4

My name’s Steve, I own a pet shop and I fucking hate it.

It wasn’t meant to be like this. I used to have a steady 9-5 job, company car, final salary pension scheme, prospects. That wasn’t enough though. I could do better for myself, be my own boss, call the shots, so I gave all that up AND BOUGHT A FUCKING PET SHOP.

It was going to be easy, I would stand behind a counter, people would browse my selection of quality pet products at reasonable prices, fill their baskets and give me money. Piece of piss.

But no, they come in and they stay, sometimes for hours, they talk to me, tell me about their pets, tell me why they’ve bought every individual item, who they’ve bought it for and which is his favourite. They bombard me with questions like they’re talking to a vet. They come into the pet shop because their dog is shitting blood and they expect me to have the cure. The best I can offer is a box of bonios and a squeaky rubber ball to shove up Fido’s arse.

Some days I dream of coming into contact with a sane, paying customer but instead a parade of fucking idiots pass by my face and ask me questions like :-

Have you got any bacon and egg sandwiches ? (café two doors away)

Can you mend my glasses ? (opticians next door)

Do you sell turkey shampoo ?

Do you sell windscreen wipers ?

What have you got for £5?

Do you sell cigarettes ?

What have you got to stop my dog licking his bollocks ?

Why has my guinea pig died?  (produces dead guinea pig)

Is this hamster dead or asleep? (produces semi rotting corpse of hamster)


Dogs In Pubs

Thoughts For The Day: Pooper Scoopers

I’ve also managed to accumulate a collection of unemployable wankers who’ve befriended me and regularly use my shop as a drop in centre to pass the time. As I’m writing this one of them has come in to show me his new pair of trainers. Sometimes they get mistaken for staff and have been known to close sales, while I just stand there pinching myself in the hope that I’ll wake up and be back behind the desk at a proper job away from this living hell.

On the odd occasion someone does want to buy something it’s rare for them to just hand the money over. For some inexplicable reason they feel they are in an environment where they can barter. Now if you’re in Marrakesh or even a used car showroom then fine, try your luck. When you spend a tenner in Morrisons don’t expect them to throw you a free loaf of bread in, and while I’m at it don’t offer me £3 for something that’s price marked £4.99. I’ll tell you to FUCK OFF.

If I try to escape for a sandwich or I’m in the queue at the post office they spot me and feel compelled to give me an update on the fucking budgie I sold them three years ago. They’ll stop me in the street and ask me what the best flea treatment is and then fuck off and buy it from Poundland.

Need to find your kids something to do in the school holidays, no problem leave them in the pet shop while you spend some quality ‘me’ time in Primark. The little fat four eyed bastard who works there will be delighted to let them trash his emporium while listening to them squeak every single dog toy on display. He’d like nothing better than to hear them announce a rabbit is dead at the top of their voice and have to go and prod it to prove it’s asleep. Then when you’ve finished in Primark you can just stand at the door and shout your feral offspring and he’ll see them off with a cheery wave.

For balance, there are some nice aspects to the job though, I just can’t think of any.

If you like it, Pass it on

image descriptionCOMMENTS

David 11:41 am, 14-Dec-2012

Do you have anything for a fiver then?

Tom Armstrong 12:27 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Brilliant. If it's any consolation it's not just pet shops, I used to work in a pawnbrokers and would have similar daily experiences with shop nutters. Always reminds me of something George Orwell's wrote about working in a bookshop: "In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money." See, it's been going on for years.

Zar 12:44 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Were you a fan of the Pet Shop Boys?

Bingo Bongo 12:45 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Miserable cunt! Have you got any puppies?

Howard 12:46 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Brilliant but I expected nothing less. More please!

Lily 1:39 pm, 14-Dec-2012

I've also worked in shops & sympathise sound like you're too nice - if time-wasters coming back...

mark e 2:09 pm, 14-Dec-2012

this made me proper chuckle.

Dawn 2:15 pm, 14-Dec-2012

You miserable, sarcastic arse. Will you marry me?

Harry Futile 2:59 pm, 14-Dec-2012

As Napoleon said, Britain is a nation of #cuntstomers ... or was it Hitler?

Keith Povall 3:25 pm, 14-Dec-2012

I did a year in retail in Bristol and utterly hated the public and what they expect from a simple sales transaction. Jumped ship to the parent company just dealing with difficult trade customers instead, bliss.

ustuntman 3:27 pm, 14-Dec-2012

This made me laugh til I shit. Good work.

Yakhunt 3:39 pm, 14-Dec-2012

4 1st class stamps and fleshlight please, barman

Hamish Macbeth (@PCMacbeth) 3:53 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Have you any budgies going Cheep !

lerouge 5:09 pm, 14-Dec-2012

nice one! perfect for a Friday Afternoon. 'For balance' ha! Hamish, you bastard.

A tweeting plebeian 9:14 pm, 14-Dec-2012

A sit com here please. No laughter track. No bloody stand up playing Steve.

annie omous 9:18 pm, 14-Dec-2012

We have a pet online store and dealing with customers via phone and email is bad enough. I don't know what I would do if I had the displeasure of dealing with them in person, but it wouldn't be good!

Sir Wolfgang Fluff 9:22 pm, 14-Dec-2012

Try working in a Wetherspoons, Nutters on alcohol.Smelling of piss.

Nora Noose 10:02 pm, 14-Dec-2012

My dead hamster was called Hector and is buried in the garden. Do you do therapy sessions, Steve?

Dano 2:00 pm, 19-Dec-2012

Wow, this could be the actual guy from my local pet store in Colby Newham Middlesbrough.

Alex 4:38 pm, 25-Dec-2012

smoggie cunt

dastard 11:55 pm, 25-Dec-2012

Get a part time job and pay someone to run your pet store. There, you surly shit.

Darren Grady 10:25 pm, 13-Jan-2013

I was in a Cancer Research Charity shop once and a fella came in and asked the assistant if they sold Cup A Soups?

Susan 5:33 pm, 2-Feb-2013

Dude, go back to your day job behind a desk. You're not cut out to work with the public. You're miserable, and you're probably making the customers miserable too.

Matthew Jackson 12:00 pm, 25-May-2013

Did you do any sort of research into the industry before you bought the business. You seem to have absolutely no knowledge of running a business and of how to give successful service. You were ill equipped for this role. You thought it would be easy, just buy up a business without any knowledge of customers or their needs. Did you ever realise that being nice and chatting with your customers and not being a sad miserable angry sod then you might get return business and actually enjoy it. Lighten up a bit mate, this is the real world. People are idiots, get used to it and use it to your advantage.

Traci Delaney 4:20 am, 11-Jun-2013

This is funny shit and I know this shit really happens....

Snakeman 8:52 am, 6-Sep-2013

I agree with Matthew Jackson here, You obviously just jumped in and fucked up big time buddy. You sound like a fuckwit and your shop sounds shit. It's called working retail, 2 weeks in any shop would have taught you this. Sorry mate, you've clearly not got the backbone to harden up and deal with it. We're just about to open a pet shop actually, been managing someone elses for years now and it makes sense to branch out. We actually care about our customers and their pets. Oh and product knowledge helps, you're a pet store owner you're expected to know all the products in the shop that you sell. It's common sense you halfwit.

julia 3:10 am, 7-Apr-2014

that is a bit upsetting to see because as a pet lover and wanting to start up my own pet shop i don't want to see stuff like that!

ruthie 9:14 pm, 15-May-2014

hahahahahahahahaha sorry but your defo in the wrong kind of work funny though hahahaha

Chris 3:35 pm, 26-Sep-2014

It is obvious you are either doing research for a psychology class or an absolute idiot. Is this a test to see how many people will respond to your lunatic ravings!!! I thought so. The only idiot who would come to your business would be someone who was a masochist.

kim 12:47 am, 4-Nov-2014

well said snakeman and Mathew. I work at a pet store myself and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If you know what you're doing you can make a real difference in the lives of animals.

Shopgirl 2:53 am, 5-Dec-2014

This is hilarious, having spent 4 years working in a pet shop I know it's true. Will be sharing this little insight to all my friends in the trade. Though I must say for all the annoying parts, especially parents who think you're running a day care centre, I have met lots of lovely interesting people with weird and wonderful animals, including one lady who brought in a pet duck! And hopefully made a bit of a difference to them an their pets through advice I've given over the years.

Lisa Long 9:22 pm, 7-Jan-2015

I fucking love you. ~A fellow pet shop owner.

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