This is a rare opportunity to be the boss you’ve always dreamed of being, as the position of my new employer has become open. I will be taking applications to pay my salary in return for a full or part-time position. I’m looking for a company that’s dynamic and enthusiastic with great perks. You must be reliable, hard working and not operating from a storage unit.

Background:

I’m a single, white female based in Edinburgh but I’m willing to accept offers from elsewhere. I have been freelance, experienced in writing articles, ghost writing, soft porn confessions and direct marketing. I will consider all positions and my decision could be based on proximity to home or the physical appearance of postman for the right candidate.

About you/Key attributes:

• You will be supportive and commited to employee growth.
• You will be respected within your industry.

• You will throw excellent Christmas parties.
• You may need to turn a blind eye to minor pen theft.
• At no point will I have to take my top off.
• You will not directly equate university degrees to talent.
• There will be someone who will screen phone calls from my mother.

If working from home is not an option, a swivel chair must be provided which will also be my mode of transport around the office. Beanbags will be considered however I will silently judge your silly, out-of-date choices. I don’t require a parking space but it would be nice to tell people that I have one. Other staff must not talk about their weekends unless it directly relates to me and this also applies to last night’s dreams and what their kids have been up to.

CLOSING DATE: April 1^st 2013
This opportunity Is available worldwide.

Interviews will start immediately.

In the event of high response, only shortlisted workplaces will be contacted.

To apply to be my employer, please send a cover letter to:

[email protected].

 

This article orginally featured on alicelwhite.tumblr.com/

 

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