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The Ten Customers That All Waitresses Want To Throttle
Annoying teenagers, overprotective mum and pervy old man. Some customers just make us waitresses want to smash your main course over your head...
Image Credit: Mannbutte
There are certain rites of passage all waitresses go through. Text book classics include; being far too drunk to waitress, having your trousers fall down as you’re carrying plates, spilling a pint over your WHITE shirt in front of a busy bar and totally ballsing up an order beyond belief and blaming the chef. The memories I have of my waitressing days are fond, vast and varied, from the day I brought over a ‘cork’ to a Geordie man who’d asked for a coke, to the time I knocked myself out cold on the dishwasher door and ‘came to’ in a sink of shellfish. I can honestly say that some of the best years of my life were spent as a waitress in my local village pub. I can also honestly say that waitressing would be the best job in the world, if it wasn’t for the people. With that in mind, I felt it my duty as a proud ex-waitress to tell you all what us waitresses really think of you and who are least favourite customers are…
Walk-ins
You arrogant bastards. With your egos and your I’m-so-busy-and-important-don’t-you-know-who-I-am-attitudes. No, I don’t know who you are. I don’t care how hungry you are. I don’t even care if you’re willing to pay me more money and buy me nice things. You haven’t booked, therefore I hate you. Just remember this the next time you turn up somewhere without a reservation, the waitress wants you dead.
Precocious Teenagers
We know you’re pretending you’re famous or being filmed for MTV. How do we know this? Because you’re fake, you’re dressed like you’re an extra in a One Direction video and you’re looking at me like you look at your cleaner. No, diet lemonade won’t get you drunk, and yes, just to amuse myself I will put the garnish on it to make it look like you’re drinking a cocktail. We do that for purely selfish reasons as it makes you look stupid, not so you can trick the group of twenty-something lads who are staring at you that you’re drinking vodka whilst pushing your 32A padded tits out.
Vegetarians/Lactose Intolerant/Allergy Freaks
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yes, there is only one vegetarian option. No, I don’t know how difficult or annoying that must be for you. I’m a waitress. I don’t care about your plight and I’m on minimum wage. Have the steak without meat and quit bitching. And you madam, you’re allergic to wheat but still want the Croque monsieur? Here’s some cheese on a plate. I honestly don’t think starving people of this world are this fussy or would complain of a “swollen tummy brought on by too much wheat.” Go f*ck yourself.
People Who Come In Large Groups And PAY SEPARATELY.
These are often groups of women but can also be; ramblers, church groups or work colleagues. None of them want to be there, they’re normally only there because Julie in accounts has a birthday and they are certainly not going to enjoy themselves. They will always order and pay separately, they are likely to order soda water or a cup of tea and they will treble check the bill, often using a calculator to ensure they’re not paying a dime over what they should be. Idiots.
More…
Old Angry Couples
No matter where the pub or restaurant is, there’s always a really old, really angry couple. They will always insist on sitting at the same table, even though they hate it. They will order the same food and drink, even though they hate it. They may even insist on having you as your waitress, even though they hate you. Well guess what, we hate you too.
Mothers And Their Children
Yes we will coo over your little angels and get you hot water for your milk. We won’t even judge you for breastfeeding or knocking your wine over because you have an infant hanging off every limb. But if you dare… DARE let your children run around and scream in the path of a waitress carrying hot food… on your head be it. It’s a restaurant, not a crèche.
Pervy Old Rich Men
Everyone has encountered a pervy old rich man who seems to think that snapping ones fingers results in waitresses to be at his beck and call. It doesn’t. What snapping your fingers to a waitress actually results in ranges from us using dirty teaspoons to stir your whiskey to us licking your bread in the kitchen before we smile sweetly as we serve it to you at your table. The only reason we’re nice to you is due to the small chance you will tip well. So yes, we may loosen our top button a little and laugh at your crap jokes, but that’s only because we want that rolled up bunch of twenties that’s hiding in your top pocket.
Late Bookers
If the restaurant closes at 10pm, these people will expect a table at 10pm. “But sir, the kitchen closes then” is heard as “of course you can have a table as late as possible then expect to be served after everyone else has gone home.” Well no, you can’t. If you turn up at anytime after about 30 minutes before the kitchen closes, we want you to choke on your food and leave.
Loud Drunk Patrons
In every pub, in all of the land there is always an absolutely hammered local who’s in there, every… single… night. Sometimes they’re endearing and their wine soaked charisma charms you into being polite to them. But there’s always that part of the evening where their wandering eyes and hands take it one step too far. That’s when they’ll feel the sharp tongue of a tired and busy waitress. Don’t try us drunkards, we’re far too sober and stressed to entertain your dirty ol’tricks.
Miserable Fucking Women
When I asked my friend, who now has her own pub, what group of customers she detests the most her instant reaction was this, “miserable fucking women.” I had to concur. Every waitress comes across this vile group one too many times. They consist of a group of women so miserable, they look like they’re in pain. They will never ever be happy about a single thing, they will complain about the ice being too cold, the food being too hot, they’ll even complain about the sunlight coming through the window at the wrong angle. They are unbelievably miserable and were clearly born that way and they are the only customers I’ve ever told to never, ever come back to a restaurant ever again.
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COMMENTS
I'd let you lick my bread anytime. fnarr fnarr, etc.
You're the Malcolm Tucker of hospitality. Awesome stuff.
Entertaining, and was expecting much worse. Might start eating out again then.
Do you know who the worst kind of journalists are? Journalists who pump out endless columns about how annoying everyone is and then end each stereotyped ramble-vomit with a crappy insult. Idiots.
Jesus H. Christ! Listen to yourself. You, are I presuppose most of your kind, are absolultely fucking pathetic. Your income would be from spreading your legs for money if people didn't patronize your establishment. We "owe" you fucking nothing. Nothing! Do a damn good job, and be grateful for the tips that are received. If you don't like the job, I have an idea. Instead of spending time writing these articles, go back to school and do something else. I am so goddamned tired of listening to you whining pieces of shit, expecting the live the same life I had to spend 8 additional years in college to earn. Jesus Christ, stop already.
#1 ..DJ..you say you spent 8 years in college? Well, what did you do during those college years to earn money? I'm sure whatever you did wasn't fun. #2..I am a waitress as well and COMPLETELY agree with everything that was written. The reason why you dumbasses don't agree is because you clearly were never a waiter/waitress in your life and, oh, yes..YOU are probably the types of people we are describing in this article. You've never experienced it, so don't judge. It's a very stressful job and I understand where the venting is coming from. Everything in this article is true, there is no stereotyping. It's just how the world is..and the people in it (especially when dealing with food) SUCK. If you're being waited on hand and foot, learn how to leave a proper tip or go home and cook your own fucking meal. Morons. Don't expect the world if you aren't willing to compensate. To the morons that disagree with this article, you are probably the ones who go out to eat and are eating other people's spit. :) Enjoy.
Yep. I've waitressed, albeit at Pizza Hut, and I concur completely with the writer (if only Pizza Hut was reservation-only...). I'd add to the list kids' parties. Where the parents would either abandon 20 vile little groin trophies on you and not come back until the party is over, or stay but sit as far away as possible from the party and get wasted.
I spent years working behind bars, waitressing, you name it. Drunk, pervy wankers? Yep, they're dicks, and not just in the context of a restaurant but if you want to claim them as your own personal plight then go ahead. Lols and all that. But people who don't book? Large groups who didn't create a separate joint back account JUST FOR YOU? Oh lighten the fuck up.
I'm one of those "lactose intolerant allergy freaks." We shouldn't be worried about having a swollen belly? What about people who experience anaphylaxis when eating something? It would probably cost you your job if you ended up injuring or even killing a patron because you were "too annoyed" to listen to someone with an allergy. Should these people never be able to eat out and enjoy themselves just because it may be inconvenient to you? NO! And as for the lactose intolerance--go ahead and feed me milk, but you won't have fun cleaning up your toilets after close--SORRY!
@Ash - if you're not a fan of people you shouldnt be in the customer service business, simple as. DJ is right - servers are owed nothing, do a good job and be grateful for any tips. If there were a list of customer facing employees that all people want to throttle, the surly waiter/waitress (who thinks theyre above their job and the people theyre serving)would surely be up there. Amber also seems to have left out of the server or ex-server customer - you know, the know it all who hypocritically compares others to high standards they dont adhere to themselves. Oh, and Ash, take some of your own advice "It's just how the world is... the people in it SUCK. If you're being waited on hand and foot, learn how to leave a proper tip or go home and cook your own fucking meal." People suck, if you cant deal with waiting on people, or doing a better job to EARN tips (Yes, EARN) go home and find a different job
The problem is, for every one person genuinely, anaphylacticly allergic to a substance you have at least 99 cocks who claim such a thing.Like those thundercunts who cry rape when they get pissed, these twats honestly deserve to die. What fucking happened to natural selection?
I've never waited on, but this is pretty much any public facing role. People are annoying, especially when buying things or expecting service. They seem to think that because their purchases make the company rich and from those millions they pay you a pittance they have a right to treat you like shit....which is usually amusing when it turns out they can't and you make them seems a total wanker.
Well I'm a little half and half on this one but I certainly think DJ's comments are disgraceful! I'm a waitress and I'm also very educated with 3 years of college and 3 years at university. I've worked in some pretty good roles since leaving uni too but I was freelance and the economy has collapsed so right now I'm grateful for any job I can get which happened to be waitressing. I like my job but you do come across all of these customers as have been pointed out and on a long stressful day when you want to get home and customers are being so arsy it can be so hard to keep that smile on our face. But we have to, all the time regardless of what is actually appending in our lives. Customers look and talk to us like we're shit on their shoe most of the time which again makes it hard to keep smiling. I don't mind about allergies and things, I find it understandable but the people you point out do exist and really don't help the job. We also don't really have ops where I work either (it's not a big thing in where I am and certainly not where I work, so is very rare to get tips and they go into a pot which I assume gets shared at the end of the year. I doubt we'll get anything (I know in some places around here any tips go to the company, not to the waitresses too!)
Brilliant! The only thing you missed out was the 'Miserable Fucking Women' always told us "I work in the business, she works in the business' as though that was some kind of justification for their behaviour. Still, judging by the excellent standard of your writing you'll not have to put up with them for much longer.
1. If you are not a veteran server, you will not appreciate the value of the relief humor found above. It is not a matter of attitude or class. These are point of views shared by a specific sector of the working class. Whether or not you were a server for unspecified amount of time will not dictate how you react to this article if you had not shared the similar experiences. Aside from that, I, along with several friends do suffer from wheat allergies. However, for the sake of the article, I actually find it rather funny because most people with allergies realize that eating out is fairly risky. Those who expect some type of silver platter of specialized food in a non-specialized eatery are therefore not very bright. It is an article meant to share the social dynamic and humor of this type of work, retail, hospitality etc. If you other participants of the commentary would actually try to recognize and article for its face value, then you might actually enjoy it and understand the concept. Signed, Another veteran of the Service Industry, also a scholar and renowned artist who attended an internationally acclaimed design school (implies that subservient does not equal sub par intelligence, goonies!) "I said good day sir!"
Do you hear yourself. If you are this rude on the inside, you do not need to be a waitress.
everyone needs to relax. first of all - I'm pretty sure the article is meant to be funny. and it is! i'm a veteran server myself and know all these types. of course this doesn't mean I think people with allergies should be shut-ins or that I'm allowed to be a bitch. sometimes servers are customers who may be the mother, the miserable women, the perv. it's just meant to blow off steam and be funny - and cursing people out and assuming they're an asshole is not necessary. it just makes you look like you don't understand sarcasm, exaggeration or humor.
Great writing Amber - love it. I feel your pain. I used to work part-time at McDonalds in my youth. Friday and Saturday night food fights between all the pissheads, people queuing up on Saturday afternoons when we were rammed but waiting until they got to the till before debating what they want to fucking eat. But my favourite was always the wonderful patrons who wanted a Big Mac " wi' none of that shit on it". To my knowledge, during my employment, we never placed shit upon any food items we served but for these lovely people I would have made an exception.
Christ, you sound like an awful person
I got say i love the way you thinkk and you couldn't be more right!
I love this :D xxx
