I’m one of those people that would rather play a sport than watch others play, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t particularly excited about the Olympics. I tried to get into the spirit but I just couldn’t, I was one of those miserable sods and I wanted everyone to know it.
I didn’t care that it was in London, I didn’t care about being part of history, I didn’t care that Danny Boyle was directing the opening ceremony; all I cared about was how much it was going to affect my commute.
Still I didn’t want to be left out of the water cooler conversations at work, so I watched the opening ceremony. What’s the worst that could happen, I thought. As I watched all the athletes march out holding their nation’s flag, I realised that the Olympics wasn’t just about sports, it’s also about perving at really good looking people with the bodies of Greek statues.
Sunday’s closing ceremony is going to be a bitter one, but I don’t really want to think about right now. I just want to think about the beautiful people that have made this Olympics orgasmic for me to watch. Here are my top 10 Olympic hotties of 2012.
Clemente Russo, boxer, Italy
I think it’s the cheek bones, and probably the abs and those delicious eyes, yum. Actually on second thought, it’s everything. Did I mention that he’s Italian? He’s the kind of man that the adjectives rugged and fucking sexy as hell were created for. In reality I will never have him but in my head, we have done the kind of filthy shit that E.L. James writes about, over and over and over again.
This guy has the full package and when I say package, I mean package
Troy Dumais, Diving, US
This guy has the full package and when I say package, I mean package; have you seen what this guy is packing under his speedos? There’s bulges and then there’s a Dumais bulge, it’s no wonder the guy always has a smile on that pretty face. I approve.
Greg Rutherford, Long jump, Great Britain
I’m not going to lie; I’ve got a lot of love for the gingers especially when they are as fine as him. He’s like a tall delicious drink of orange squash. He comes across as a laid back kind of guy who’s always up for a pint down the pub, when he’s not chiselling up that fine body of his. On a side note, is it just me or does he look like a cross between James Van Der Beek and Neil Patrick Harris? I like this combination, Greg if you’re reading this; I’m always up for birthday suiting up!
Andy Murray, Tennis, Great Britain
I’ve got a lot of respect for a passionate man who isn’t afraid to cry, especially in front of millions of people. No, he’s not the sexiest man in the world, and he always looks a little moody on the court but the smile that he wore on his face when he beat his nemesis Federer for the gold after three sets was just poetic. Plus he has big hands, and you know what they say about guys with big hands.
The Entire German Gymnastic team: Fabian Hambüchen, Sebastian Krimmer, Marcel Nguyen, Andreas Toba and Philipp Boy
Now I’m not really into gymnastics, in fact I hate it, thinking about it just to brings up some repressed shame from my school days, that was until I saw these guys. If they were my gymnastic teachers, I would never have skipped P.E. I’ve never been into the idea of an orgy, and I’m still not but I am open to some sexy shenanigans with all five of these guys at the same time, especially with Phillip Boy. In fact after I’m done with the five, I’m just going to keep Phillip in my pants forever.
Nathan Adrian, Swimming, US
First of all, have you seen his twitter avatar? Hubba, hubba. He is so delicious, there are no other words. His smile makes you want to smile. His eyes are so perfect, I want to melt. He’s like that nerdy friend that you never noticed was attractive until he took his shirt off. Thank the lord he’s a swimmer, or else how else would the world know just how sexy he is?
In fact after I’m done with the five, I’m just going to keep Phillip in my pants forever
Jessica Ennis, Track and Field, Great Britain
She’s the only girl that made the list because she’s the only girl for me. She has the kind of body that I would have if I didn’t love food so much. Her smile also happens to be really, really adorable. She comes across as a really cool and laid back chick who could totally kick my arse if I pissed her off, I don’t know why but I am totally down with that.
Tom Daley, Driving, Great Britain
Just forget the fact that he was 14 at the last Olympics, he’s 18 now, he’s a man and what a pretty fine man he turned out to be. Plus he clearly doesn’t take himself too seriously which is rare for someone so beautiful. I was going to make him number one but I had to knock him off a few places because apparently has a crush on Cheryl Cole, seeing as my name isn’t Cheryl I’m not happy about this.
Wallace Spearmon, Sprinting, US
I was going to write something but then I forgot what I was going to write because I got lost in those green eyes and that chest. Christ I want to lick that chest!
Bradley Wiggins, Cycling, Great Britain
I saved the best until last. It’s the side burns and the whole MOD look and the fact he likes to get pissed and then tweet about it. He isn’t your typical sexy man, and he doesn’t really give a shit about it. He’s like a porn star from the 1970s; you know when porn was actually interesting and more realistic. I dig. Bradley, if this whole being the nation’s hero doesn’t work out, I will happily co-star in a 1970s porno remake with you as long as I get to tuck on those side burns.
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