This opening day of the tournament really makes a mockery of this feature to be honest, but we’re going to plug on anyway, undeterred.
Going forward, we’ll have three or four games to choose from, and we’ll be picking out what we think will be the best one and telling you why you aren’t to be missing it. Today, there’s only one. However, it might just be one of the most exciting.
Around 7.15pm tonight, we’ll have the opening ceremony taking place, in which we’ll have more interpretive dance and faux-carnival scenes then is usually advisable, but given it’s Brazil, we’ll have to let them off. Scheduled to take around 25 minutes, this is ample time to prepare drinks and snacks in arms reach from the sofa, if you haven’t already. Leave the misogyny out though, this isn’t the f***ing Lad Bible.
Sadly, and we hate to break this news to you if you weren’t aware already, there will be two other performances at the opening ceremony tonight as well. Unsure if it’s as a duo or if it is two separate solo performances, and which one of those is actually worse, both Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull will be degrading the tournament for an inflated fee at some point during the event.
Now, we’re still hoping that the only reason Pitbull has been booked is because the plan is actually to have indigenous Brazilian tribes offer him as a sacrifice, but apparently that’s a long shot. Hopefully we’ll get to see J-Lo perform ‘Jenny From The Block’ in a production loud enough to wake the thousands of impoverished families in their favelas, you know, to really get in to the spirit of things.
That said, the real party starts at 9:00pm, when the s***e pop stars have f*** off and the football starts, with the host nation Brazil taking on potential bonfire p***ers Croatia. Both sides have plenty of class to call upon, but the pressure will all be on the Seleção (Ooh, fancy - with the accents and everything! - Ed), who will be trying to banish the memories of 1950 that none of them were actually alive to witness.
We’ll get to see that amazing midfield of Croatia’s with Luka Modrić of Real Madrid and Ivan Rakitić soon to be of Barça at the heart of their play. Spare a thought for Niko Kranjčar though, injured before the tournament, who would have been the front runner for best looking player at the tournament, a man so genuinely handsome he's made more than the odd gent question his stance.
Brazil, of course, have the poster boy Neymar, and a supporting cast of David Luiz, Paulinho, Hulk, Oscar and a bloke called Fred, who may sound like regular on Emmerdale, but is actually their first choice striker - who knew? WE DID, THAT’S F-ING WHO.
There’s likely to be a few goals and some lovely football on show, and the atmosphere should be decent too, with the excited fans inside the ground…and the poorly treated rioting locals outside it. FIFA, eh? taking backhanders (allegedly - Ed), ruining countries (allegedly), degrading football (okay, fair) but still, they’ve managed to get us as excited for this tournament as a News International journalist invading someone’s privacy. More fool us.
This is the first of twenty-five match filled days coming up, and we can’t contain our excitement. Love the football, hate the politics, enjoy the tournament. We’ll be with you every last samba step of the way.