45 Reasons Liverpool Aren’t My Second Favourite Team

'Everyone's second favourite team', they said. 'You can f*** right off with that noise', I said.
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45 Reasons Why Liverpool Aren’t My Second Favourite Team

With their attacking brio and cavalier approach to the basic tenets of defending, Brendan Rodgers (the unthinking man’s Bill Shankly), Glen Johnson (England’s 8th most effective right-back) and Michael Owen (Lego man brought to life) believe that Liverpool are now everyone’s second team and national favourites to snatch the title.

Here are 45-ish reasons why I still loathe them and why you should too.

1) John W. Henry: He looks like a poorly constructed first generation cyborg.

2) ‘King Kenny’s child-like haircut. Who does your hair Kenny, your mum?

3) The cream suits the team wore for the 1996 FA Cup Final. What were they trying to do, audition for a Commodores tribute band?

4) Martin Skrtel:  lousy defender who missed out his true calling in life, playing the role of an expendable Russian gangster in low-budget, straight-to-DVD thrillers.

5) Brendan Rodgers trying to position Liverpool as ‘outsiders’, fighting against the rich boys of the Premier League. With the fourth highest net spend on transfers over the past five years, Liverpool are genuine outsiders.

6) Steven ‘the Stevie G’ Gerrard, Liverpool’s beating scouse heart. But then, he’s from Whiston, so you know, technically not a scouser.

7) The ‘This is Anfield’ sign. How thick are their players that they need a sign to remind them they’re playing at home?

8) Liverpool’s great teams of the 1970s and 1980s continually playing it back to the keeper for the last 20 minutes of every game.

9) Luis Suarez: he tried to eat a man. A whole man.

10) Their array of shady corporate partners. Who next? Dow Chemical?

11) They’re owned by a hedge fund, the closest thing to pure evil on earth.

12) The hit Channel 5 show ‘Being Liverpool’. It was so s***, it probably originated out of a Man Utd black-ops department.

13) Former players dominating the punditry-circuit: Why can’t they retire in the ‘traditional’ way, by buying a pub and drinking themselves to death?

14) The fans’ lionising of Luis Suarez this season after spending the summer calling him a disloyal c***.

15) Their hatred of Man United: Why? United were s*** when they were good and Liverpool have been s*** when United were good. They’ve never actually been rivals.

16) The constant quoting of ‘Shanks’. The one quote they tend to neglect is this one “I have not been short of invitations to other clubs and have been received more warmly by Everton than I have by Liverpool. It's probably fair to say that they are now 'my' team.” And that’s because the loveable reds barred their greatest manager from Melwood after he retired.

17) The Anfield Rap: This song single-handedly set the UK rap-scene back by twenty years.

18) The fact that their fans threw human s*** at Man United supporters during one game in 2006. That’s right, ‘human s***’. Either this was brought to the game, which suggests a level of premeditation which is just disturbing, or it was a spontaneous idea, which raises the question: why is taking a dump into your hand deemed socially acceptable at Anfield?

19) The club’s defence of the Suarez racism case. A very public example of how a big football club can abandon all decency.

20) Why did the club abandon their original crest? It featured a semi-naked man and a merman? The only conclusion, the club no longer approves of same-sex unions between humans and sea creatures. Disgraceful!

21) They have 36,000 supporters in Norway. Why are they trying to kill Norwegian football? Vanærende!

22) They were founded by a Tory.


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23) Who was also a member of the Orange Order.

24) The fans are always banging on about how good they were in the 1970s. Do you know who else reminisces about that decade? Noddy Holder. That makes Liverpool the Noddy Holder of English football.

25) The lyrics of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ are irresponsible. Should you find yourself out walking in a storm in the dark (which the Met Office strongly advises against), don’t hold your ‘head up high’. Instead, seek shelter and wait for the storm to pass. Shame on you for advising otherwise Liverpool fans.

26) Brendan Rodgers and his knobhead quotes. Best one: “When we have the football, everybody’s a player.” What, even Joe Allen?

27) This video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ya-itaQKZCw

28) Their celebrity fans include Jimmy Tarbuck, Cilla Black and Ian Beale.

29) Because of the European ban that their fans were responsible for, we all had to endure the Zenith Data Systems Cup, which was a very bad competition.

30) ‘Winning the league for Stevie G’. Why is he more deserving than anyone else? It’s his fault he chose to stay at such a mediocre club.

31) Pass and Move (It’s The Liverpool Groove): This song single-handedly set the UK dance/rap fusion scene back by twenty years.

32) Robbie Fowler’s apparent homophobia. Why were you so bothered Robbie?

33) Their self-awareness-lacking labelling of Evertonians as the bitterest fans in the city. On the international ‘Lemon Scale’, their own attitude towards United’s success stands at eleven lemons (that’s the highest rating possible)

34) Daniel Sturridge’s goal celebration. He actually sat down one day and planned that.

35) Luis Suarez’s goal celebration. One can only guess as to who he's aiming those bullets at in the crowd...

36) Iago Aspas’ goal celebration.

37) The Shankly Gates. I think they might have been put up to keep Shankly out, which is just mean.

38) Singing songs about the Munich disaster. You’d presume a group of supporters so familiar with tragedy would know better.

39) ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ only became their anthem after Gerry and the Pacemakers released it. Gerry and the Pacemakers are the worst group to have ever existed.

40) Sitting on Top of the World: This song single-handedly set the UK’s ‘men singing to keyboard demo songs’ scene back by twenty years. Why do they hate British music scenes so much?

41) They haven’t got a Latin motto. What kind of club doesn’t have a Latin motto? Have they no reverence for dead languages? Si quis pudor!

42) Phil ‘The Tommo’ Thompson. How is this man allowed on tele? Somewhere out there there’s a bridge sorely missing its troll.

43) The ‘Liverpool Way’: As far as I can see it appears to have something to do with whoring yourself out to the highest bidder, pricing out your local fans from the match and f***ing up your local area. Does this really make them unique enough to have their own ‘Way’?

44) Since the start of the Premier League, no club has been awarded more penalties than Liverpool. And not one of them was legit.

45) And lastly, their total inability to adapt to being knocked off their fucking perch.