So the coveted England winger has plumped for Manchester United but here's why he should have chosen Liverpool and will live to regret his decision.
I can see you now, sat over lunch with the England squad, sharing a bit of 'harmless banter' with Rio, laughing heartily at John Terry continuously trying to hide the sausage in the cleaning lady's apron and bemoaning the current trend for inverted wingers with your old pal James Milner. But I know it's all a facade, behind that poker face - that some might call gormless - you are a tumult of emotions. Red or Red, Good or Evil, The Beatles or Oasis, The Tate or The Lowry, The Ropewalks or The Trafford Centre, Southport or Alderley Edge, King Kenny or Sir Alex, Liverpool or Manchester United.
I know Rio has probably been in your ear, telling you how comfy the bikes are at Carrington, how nice the Ossobuco is at his Italian restaurant and that the gaffer is really a nice old bloke, often drunk, who now only uses the hairdryer to dry the egg yolk off his tie in the mornings. But believe me mate, it's all a lie, a sham. Yes, Manchester United might have just won their 19th title, but they also got torn limb from limb by Barcelona, Scholes has gone, Giggs is on the way out, Fergie will play Park ahead of you in big matches and, due to size, Nani, that odious twerp, will be your training partner. Oasis are no more, Ashley, so dig out the White Album, borrow Glen Johnson's Carra to English dictionary and listen to the reasons why you should join Liverpool instead of Manchester United.
Ok mate, I’ll be straight with you, there won’t be any of those famous European nights next season. But, as I’m sure you are aware, there is more atmosphere at Anfield on a wet Wednesday against Villa than the denizens of Old Trafford can muster for a Champions League game.
Chelsea are rudderless, Arsenal up sh*t creek and Man City is no place for a flying winger. The future is bright, the future is Liverpool.
We’ve had some truly awful wingers in recent memory. Believe me pal, all you need to do on your first appearance at Anfield is twist the full-back inside and out and deliver a cross that is near to the same postcode of Andy Carroll’s head. A screamer would be nice, of course, as would becoming the John Barnes to Luis Suarez’s Peter Beardsley. But, if I’m being honest, being the new Stan Collymore would do. Two seasons of outright brilliance is all we’re after, just try not to sh*g the manager’s daughter. You might fancy replacing Ryan Giggs at Manchester United, but even though Giggs has hardly played on the wing since Tony Blair was just that nice bloke on tele rather than a lapdog who liked having peanut butter spread on his nuts and then lapped off by the tongue of a Texan imbecile, it ain’t gonna happen. I did mention you’ll have to be friends with Nani, didn’t I? He might look like Michael Jackson on the Off The Wall cover but, please believe me, he is a tool. And he can’t moonwalk either. Wazza handles that, apparently, no-one’s told him that walking around with his flabby a*se out isn’t, technically, a moonwalk.
In the first instance, due to your high-fade, you don’t need one. Secondly, why get screamed at by a ranting Scotsman who was famous as a player for the use of his elbows when you can have a laugh with a genial Scot who, in his pomp, was one of the greatest players to grace the British Isles. Kenny will work on your finishing, probably cut out all this inverted nonsense and, if you’re really lucky, take you to see Tinie Tempah at the Liverpool Echo Arena.
Have you seen what happens when a ball is whipped in near the head of Liverpool’s leviathan? Rather than playing tippy tappy with Berba or passing to Rooney and letting him hog the limelight, you, with those delicious crosses from the right-flank, will probably get more assists than the entire squadron of Manchester United wingers put together. You, Glen Johnson and the big man will form such a partnership that you’ll never have to worry about losing your England place again to Shaun Wright Phillips.
Let’s not p*ss about here, have you seen how much debt Manchester United are in? Last summer I wouldn’t have dared to write this letter, but now Liverpool are in the ascendency. A new owner, no debt, a commitment to buying brilliant young players (see what I did there?) and a manager who beloved by everyone at the club. Manchester United bought a homeless person last year such is their plight, the days of them spending £30m on a marquee signing every summer are long gone. We, however, are going to buy Phil Jones, Svetan Jovetic and, if you ask nicely, we might even buy Benty, Downing or Gabby to keep you company.
Football is cyclical
I’m not sure if you’re much of a historian, but Burnley and Preston were once dominant forces in the game. Liverpool might not have won a title since the days of tight shorts and lager as a thirst quencher, but before that Manchester United didn’t win the league for 27 years. Fair play to them for winning it this season past but that is just a notch in the history books now, we’re one behind, two ahead in Europe and about to take flight on a glorious adventure and land back on our f**king perch. Chelsea are rudderless, Arsenal up sh*t creek and Man City is no place for a flying winger. The future is bright, the future is Liverpool.
There’s more I could bang on about but I realise that you’re probably itching to get off for the afternoon FIFA session with the boys. Trade Benty in as your partner, team up with Glenn, add yourself to the Liverpool side and wreak havoc on the right flank. You know it makes sense…
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