Arsenal End of Term Report: We've Signed A Japanese Wonderkid - Oh Well, That Should Sort It

Angry at Arsenal's complete lack of backbone and mental strength, furious at Wenger's continuous myopia in terms of his team's shortcomings? Then this should make a cathartic read...
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Angry at Arsenal's complete lack of backbone and mental strength, furious and Wenger's continuous myopia in terms of his team's shortcomings? Then this should make a cathartic read...

The ‘I f*cking love this game’ highlight of the season?

Undoubtedly the victory over Barcelona at the Emirates. The sweeping move culminating in Andrei ‘lazy c*nt’ Arshavin’s wonderful finish was a massive release of tension that quite literally sent shivers of pleasure through every Arsenal fan in the land. We replayed that strike on youtube for days on end, declaring it the beginning of a march to the quadruple (sigh). The newspapers the following day blared out headlines like ‘A Shot Heard Across Europe’. Massive false dawn in hindsight, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. In all honesty we didn’t deserve to win this match. They had an onside Messi goal disallowed and a couple of other golden chances. For 70 mins we looked like we had no chance of winning. Barcelona’s disgusting lime green away kit had begun to nauseate to the same extent as their previous efforts – the sickly orange one and the retina-perforating fluorescent yellow – and when David Villa gave them the lead we were reminded that his ill-conceived goatee was a mere clown-like disguise to his potent right foot. At one nil down it all seemed like a horrible recurring nightmare. Arsenal pulled it out of the bag and the atmosphere at ‘the New Library’ has never been louder than that night. We were extremely unlucky in the second leg, robbed by a referee yet still within a mere whisker of going through on aggregate. Had that chance fallen to the red-carded Van Persie and not the gobby, talentless Dane with the first touch of a violent rapist, we’d have waltzed our way to the final. This season will be rapidly forgotten yet if we do ever stop to think back on it we will remember it for the evening we beat the greatest club side in history.

The season ticket shredding moment?

So, so many to choose from. The 4-4 at St James’ for example. I genuinely had a nap at half time after following the first half on Gillette Soccer Saturday. I woke to the usual sarcastic text from my Spurs mate “what was the Arsenal score, last I heard it was 4-0 to you?” Horrible, just horrible.

The two most spineless results were most certainly the nil-nil draws against Sunderland and Blackburn. We were firmly in the hunt for the title at that point and the players basically didn’t show up, didn’t fancy it and very much transmitted the attitude that they weren’t bothered about winning the league.

Ultimately, however, the winner of the “go on, just p*ss in my face and punch me in the t**ticles moment” was the debacle against Liverpool. To go into injury time at the end of the most dismal performance ever and be awarded a penalty that quite literally throws a lifeline to your entire season must surely be regarded as a gift from the gods. To convert that chance showed true b**locks from Robin Van Persie. Straight from the kick off however our players not only lost complete control of their own limbs but had a series of spontaneous mental breakdowns in which the concept of football as a sport became to them an abstract concept in which they wanted to take no part. I recently watched the Anfield ’89 clips again and what strikes you immediately after the Michael Thomas miracle goal is this thundering, last ditch challenge from Tony Adams followed by the composure of Thomas under pressure in his own area.

Compare that to the monumental f*ck up displayed by the clinically insane Emmanuel Eboue here

Moment that just about summed it all up?

Either this…..

Or this…….

Got the right manager?

No, quite frankly. It will sound spoilt to teams of other clubs. Clubs whose managers have not won them two doubles. But Arsene Wenger is not the man he once was. He’s lost the plot in all of the fundamental areas that make a great manager. His talent for signing players has waned badly. In the last 5 years or so while Alex Ferguson has brought in players of the calibre of Hernandez, Fabio, Smalling and Macheda, Wenger has brought in the likes of Chamakh, Vela, Arshavin and Squillaci to Arsenal. Same amount of money. Very different end product. This is the man who kept faith with Manuel Almunia for two entire seasons. The worst goalkeeper anyone in north London, no anyone in the entire known universe, can ever recall observing. Money here is not the issue, we know that now. Instead Wenger chooses to continue his miserly experiment, investing valuable time, energy and money in developing players who are patently never going to cut the mustard. Denilson, Rosicky, Bendtner, Eboue, Diaby, Vela and Walcott are not good enough to play for Arsenal. They are a shadow of Wenger’s former team, wouldn’t get in George Graham’s 87-93 teams and would frankly struggle to get into a Terry Neil side. They need to leave along with Wenger. The second fundamental that Wenger has let slip is the motivation of his players. Too many times in recent years the fans have been acutely aware of a huge lack of effort. Ipswich away this year was a disgrace. This attitude is epitomised by our most expensive signing ever, Andrei Arshavin. Fabregas has been hugely guilty of it too this season. And he can f**k off as well. Motivating a team is entirely the manager’s responsibility and AW fails miserably. Finally, the “unbelievable mental strength, belief, desire and attitude of the players” he repeatedly bangs on about is a myth. A lie. A falsehood. The ravings of a deluded, blinkered madman. We are mentally brittle, anything even remotely resembling pressure, a tricky fixture, or heaven forbid a ‘must win’ and we go to pieces.

Player of the season?

Jack Wilshere, hands down. The new Liam Brady, Paul Gascoigne and Lothar Matthaus rolled into one cheeky little 5’7” Stevenage package.

Muppet of the season?

Arsene Wenger.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Pretty much everything. And I’d sack myself. But, realistically… why the f*ck do we get so many injuries? Sort out the training or buy tougher players. Pathetic.

Which player would you like to sign?

Scott Parker. But he’ll be going down the road to the scum who actually spend money and have genuine ambitions of winning silverware. We’ll sign players from the Belgian league with stupid haircuts and names like Emmanuel (it’s always Emmanuels with Wenger.)

Best goal?

All Arsenal goals are the ‘perfect goal’ aren’t they? Except when we forget to actually put the ball in the net.

Biggest t*sser?

Probably Cesc Fabregas. Played at about 60-70% of his full capability. Sulked, moaned, called Ipswich rugby players when they beat us fair and square. Anonymous captain. To be fair though, Wenger has heaped way too much on his shoulders for too long. Should have sold him last summer. If we hang on to him this year we are mentally deranged. Take the money and run (anything upwards of £40m is a good deal in my book. Talk of £60m is ludicrous. But football is ludicrous these days. Liverpool paid £35m for Andy Carroll.)

Player’s tweet of the season?

Jack Wilshere: “@Mum lovely cup of tea, ta. watching Eastenders on telly, like the Spurs fans. RT @AW we’ve won f*ck all. #Again.” ….or something similar. Ahh, modern footballers……

Most inspired chant?

“6% you’re having a laugh”

Best laugh you had all season?

Tottenham in the Bernabeu. Lanky pr*ck Crouch sent off, Adebayor with a brace. Chelsea poster boy Ray Wilkins wittering on about how much he loves Spurs. Priceless. I’m not bitter. What gave you that impression?

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

Very easily thank you.

Any other news?

Pat Rice is staying on at Arsenal for another season. Kroenke wears a toupee. Oh, and we’ve signed a 19 year old Japanese ‘wonder kid’.

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