If you’ve ever wanted to know who would win in a fight between a klingon and a mentally unstable Scouser then St James’ Park was the place to be back in mid-August. The answer was no-one, absolutely no-one won. Least of all football.
Gervinho, the Ivorian with the bizarrely generous forehead, played a bit of pattycake in the general direction of Joey Barton’s cheek and the sweet but not so tender hooligan collapsed to the deck as if slayed by a Joe Frazier uppercut. Those old enough to remember the days of Mackay and Hunter placed their heads in wrinkled hands. The rest of us howled with derision and delight.
For it to be Barton of all people was a wonderful thing. The man is a walking contradiction who quotes Nietzsche using text-speak, dishes out career-threatening fouls but whines like a bitch when his calf is so much as scraped, pontificates from the false moral high ground of Twitter after once stubbing a cigar out in a youth player’s eye and now, before millions of astonished viewers, grabs a player by the scruff accusing him of cheating before promptly performing a hilarious swan-dive under minimal contact only moments later. It kind of undermined his argument and was the most comical piece of play-acting since Rivaldo fell to the turf in the 2002 World Cup after the ball glanced off his elbow.
The indie-loving Twit with the Mozzer quiff and spiv moustache later claimed he regretted the incident because it cost him a move to Arsenal. I would suggest that was more to do with his limited footballing ability and a charge-sheet for misdemeanours that probably unfolds all the way down to his feet of clay.
Barton once said, after battering team-mate Ousmane Dabo to the point where he was barely recognisable, ‘If someone hits me, I respond as a man’. What he sadly didn’t add was ‘When someone slaps me though I go down like a great big girl’.
The Ballon D’Oh is Sabotage Times’ annual award for the world’s daftest footballer. To vote for this player leave a comment below. The player with the most comments/votes by November 25 will be presented with this prestigious award.
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