Balotelli Is As Daft As Cheese: The Manchester City Fans' Guide To The Transfer Window

When it comes to transfers they operate on a different plane to everyone else but that doesn’t mean Manchester City don’t have wantaway stars and transfer sagas like everyone else.
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When it comes to transfers they operate on a different plane to everyone else, but that doesn’t mean Manchester City don’t have wantaway stars and transfer sagas like everyone else.

It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?

I absolutely despise it.  I consider myself to be quite a rational type of person who understands the complexities of buying a player from a football club for vast amounts of money in the modern game. Subsequently, I understand that there are only a close knit few who will be aware of who’s going where and for what price.  Notwithstanding this, I’ll believe what I want to believe from all manner of dubious sources on the Internet and I can’t stop myself.  So, as a result, the transfer window causes me all kinds of heartache and pain.

Even when the rumours are correct it’s a nightmare because it leads to entire days on the internet at work refreshing pages just to make sure I don’t miss Garry Cook giving our new hero a big hug surrounded by Manchester City fans with tea towels wrapped round their heads.  I want it scrapped.

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

I want to hear that Carlos Tevez has been sold to anyone outside of this country for £50m; Sergio Aguero has signed along with Samir Nasri; and Wesley Sneijder has told United to “f*** off and stop pestering me”.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

Carlos Tevez isn’t going to Corinthians because they wanted to pay us with ‘the infinite hope in a child’s eyes’ with a payment of ‘that earthy smell when it starts raining’ up front; the Sergio Aguero deal is ‘close’, Nasri is being kept in chains against his will by Arsene Wenger and Ferguson is playing MIND GAMES with the media regarding Wesley Sneijder.

Can I just put on record my utter contempt for that nonsensical phrase MIND GAMES. When did ‘lying through his back teeth’ become MIND GAMES? If I told a client some incorrect information could I pass it off as MIND GAMES? Probably not, but I might try it one day and see where it gets me. Probably in a tribunal but I’ll keep you posted.

Got much cash in the kitty?

There is no way of answering this without sounding like a c***.  So……WE’VE LOADSAMONEY!!! LOOK AT OUR WAD!!!!  Apologies.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*stard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

We’ve got Savic as our Eastern European powerhouse (although he actually looks like a cross between Richard Ashcroft and that Spider who used to be in Corrie) and Clichy to challenge the hugely disappointing (up to now) Kolarov.  With those deals tied up, we need our replacement for Tevez and a playmaker/attacking central midfielder to allow Ya Ya Toure to move back into his more natural defensive role (he’s admitted that the more advanced role doesn’t come easy to him).  Aguero and Nasri anyone?

What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?

It tends not to pan out for us that way anymore but in the past there is absolutely no doubt that we would have ended up with Nicklas Bendtner on loan.

We need our replacement for Tevez and a playmaker/attacking central midfielder to allow Ya Ya Toure to move back into his more natural defensive role…

Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?

Aaah, Carlitos.  The thing about Tevez is that no matter what is going on off the pitch in his life, he finds it impossible not to give his all once he crosses the white line. I’ve always known the bloke is a t*t who is a puppet on the end of Kia Joorabchin’s strings, so nothing really surprises me anymore.  In fact, I feel sorry for the guy because he seems to have absolutely no control of his own destiny.  He’s spent five years in this country and can barely speak a word of English.  Compare and contrast with Pablo Zabaleta, his fellow countryman, who when asked recently about winning the FA Cup said “It was f**king mint our kid!” (this is a lie, but he speaks good English with a slight Manc Accent). Carlos isn’t the brightest but he could have at least mastered a few words by now yet he seemingly has no interest.

Tevez is in his prime and should realise that, even though he isn’t fond of the man, Mancini’s got him in the form of his life.  I have to admit that I uttered the phrase “just a glorified Paul Dickov” when he signed but I didn’t understand just how good a player he is. I’m sure there are loads of football fans that think he’s overrated, he’s not. He’s immense.  You can’t get the ball off him; at 5ft 6inch he’s a much better target man than the 6ft+ striker; defenders twice his size and weight just bounce off him.  It’s a wonder to behold.  To summarise; I think he’s a d*ck but I won’t let this sully my memories of him as a player.

Who has been the biggest t*sser of this transfer window?

Kia Joorabchin.  I don’t think I need to expand on that one. Absolute bell sniff of a man.

Reckon you’ll be stronger or weaker next season?

As it stands, we will definitely be stronger as we’ve not lost anyone of note and we’ve added to our defence.  If Tevez eventually leaves (although he is rapidly running out of options) then Aguero will probably be his like-for-like replacement, so it all rests on how quickly Kun beds in and starts scoring goals.  If you look at how many goals Tevez has scored we are obviously going to miss him hugely, but it’s hoped that his absence will allow Balotelli and Dzeko a chance to get in on the act.  Adding Nasri, or someone of his ilk who can play in the middle, is also essential to our improvement.

I’m going to be bold and say we’ll finish in the top two.

Any other news?

Mario Balotelli is as mad as cheese.

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

Tough one, but I think I’m going to be controversial and say Craig Bellamy.  I’ve lost faith in him now due to his ludicrous claims that he can’t take a cut from his £90k a week because of his academy in Sierra Leone but when we signed him in the January window under Hughes we were really struggling and Bellamy gave us the kick up the a*se we needed. He hit the ground running and quickly became a fans’ favourite.  Shame he then ruined it all under Mancini by being a contemptible, obnoxious t**t.

And the worst?

Roque Santa Cruz.  For me, pound for pound, the worst ever signing in the club’s entire history.  Before the City hierarchy had sussed Hughes out, he was allowed to sign him for £18m so that he could have another ally in the dressing room alongside Bellamy.  A giant, albeit exceptionally handsome, waste of money that I can’t see us ever offloading to another club.  Thanks Mark.

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