Man Sends Hilarious Application For The Liverpool Managers Job
I know this goes against normal procedure but I wish to apply for the position of Manager at Liverpool Football Club.
I hope Brendan Rodgers can turn things around, but if he can’t I wanted you to know that I am available. You may not have heard my name before, but after reading my application below I have no doubt that you will be seduced by what I have to offer.
I am a very versatile, enthusiastic team player that offers a wealth of experience in the plumbing and heating industry (which could come in very handy during the winter months).
As a football manager, you’ll notice that I have established myself as a leader of some promise
- Grantley Girls F.C (Under 8’s)
- Record: P2 W0 D1 L1
- Resigned due to player insubordination
- The Pitcher & Piano (Arbury and District Sunday League)
- Record: P1 W0 D1 L0
- Took temporary charge after previous manager was put on ‘gardening leave’ (he got a job as a Landscaper)
- A creditable 2-2 away draw with the Dog and Duck
So, I have a ‘no lose’ record of 66%, which comfortably puts me up there with the greatest managers in history.
English (fluent), French (Grade D at GCSE), Football (“stand him up”, “give and go”, “pump it into the channel”, “oh for f***’* sake Glen/Simon/Martin, not again” etc).
My Football Philosophies
As a keen student of the game, it is clear to me that football has changed quite significantly over the past decade. Following thorough research, I have identified three tactics that will enable us to gain a key advantage over our opponents.
- Get It Up To The Big Lad
As the name suggests, this unique tactic is based on getting the ball forward early – without neglecting our defensive duties. The big man will then flick the ball to a teammate; five of whom will be swarming around him like flies around a particularly pungent turd. This strength in numbers approach will surely see us score loads of goals every game.
The bloke on the right is Tor Hogne Aaroy, the world’s tallest striker at 6ft 9in. I’ve never seen him play so don’t know if he’s any good or not, but in a squad containing Balotelli and Borini to be honest that’s irrelevant. That said, he’s spent most of his career in the second tiers of Norwegian and Japanese football, so you know this lad’s got pedigree.
- Deep Heat
Once we’ve taken the lead using the tactic outlined above, we will then defend stoically using this strategy that I’ve codenamed ‘Deep Heat’. This ensures that our opponents won’t be able to ‘get round the back’, as John Barnes so memorably rapped about – which is a move responsible for 83% of all goals (probably).
- The Bodyguard
I’m not suggesting for one minute that we sign Kevin Costner (there’s enough experience in the squad already), or the much-missed Whitney Houston. No, I’m referring of course to Adebayo Akinfenwa, the strongest footballer in the world.
I’ve noticed that the smaller, trickier players like Sterling and Coutinho get kicked around by some of the more agricultural players in the Premier League. So, to combat this, under my rule we’d sign Ade for about £50,000 (if you can stretch to that lads ;P) and use him as a sort of chaperone to the smaller guys; using his frame to protect them from harsh tackles and general bullying.
Off the Field Stuff
Following on from my comprehensive tactical overview outlined above, I also wanted to stress that I’d take all of my off-the-field responsibilities too. Here are a few ideas:
No Football Training – If the players have got to the age of 18+ and aren’t very good, then it’s too late for them in my opinion. So instead training will focus on:
- Tai Chi
- Jedi Mind Control
- Basic First Aid (can sack physios, save some $)
Let’s get loads of great philosophical quotes stencilled onto the walls of the changing room and players’ tunnel
Can you see Rickie Lambert missing a simple chance once he’s experienced ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling?
Do you think Dejan Lovren will lose his man again with the words of Sun Tzu and the Art of War reverberating around his bonce?
Would Jose Enrique ever take being a professional footballer for granted again after sampling the heartbreaking lyrics of ‘Money’s Too Tight Too Mention’ by Simply Red?
Whilst not without his foibles, Kim Jong-Un’s admirable no-nonsense approach to ruling people is an excellent example of how to win the love of a nation. I feel like football fans are too opinionated these days, so one rule I’d implement straight away is issuing all stewards in Anfield with Tasers. All supporters will also be issued with song-sheets containing lyrics approved by me. Tough love is good love.
It’s time we tapped into this thriving economy to cover the costs of some of the signings made in the Summer (you know the ones I mean). One idea I’ve had is to change both the home and away kits slightly to appeal to an Asian market (please see below).
I’ve got loads more ideas as well lads, but I bloody left my File-o-Fax on the bus didn’t I. If you want to discuss these with me then please don’t hesitate to get in touch.