Everton End Of Term Report: Well, At Least We Smashed Liverpool 2-0

A largely disappointing campaign for Everton as they once again stuttered from the start then struggled throughout with injuries and a lack of firepower. There were however some high points to savour.
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Another season of what ifs? Once again our lack of money and inability to afford a decent couple of forwards mean that mediocrity reigns supreme over Goodison.

The ‘I f******g love this game’ highlight of the season?

It has to be the 2-0 win over Liverpool in October. Derbies are always greeted with a sense of foreboding in the blue half of the city, the painful memories of past defeats casting a long shadow. Although under Moyes we’ve started to pick up wins against the sh*te, this was the probably the first time in a long time that we’ve played them off the park.

It was one of those rare games when everyone performs, something that’s not always easy in the frenetic atmosphere of a Merseyside derby. Although the entire team excelled, special mention has to go to Sylvain Distin (neutered Torres), Tim Cahill (omnipresent), Seamus Coleman (tore down the right flank) and Yakubu (made Kyrgiakos and Skrtel look like bewildered little boys).

What made the win that much sweeter was the presence of Liverpool’s new owner, millionaire humanoid, John W Henry.  Although primed to experience the human emotion of elation, by the end of ninety minutes his sadness chip would have been in overdrive.

And best of all, the beating of the sh*te left them in the bottom three, giving our fans the opportunity to taunt Liverpool with cries of ‘going down’ (a novel experience for almost all Evertonians).

The season ticket shredding moment?

The 0-0 draw against Fulham in September that left us bottom of the league and the only side in the four divisions yet to record a league victory.  This from the team who at the beginning of the season had been tipped for great things by Alex Ferguson.

Typical Everton; do the hard work and then get knocked out by the lesser side.

Moment that just about summed it all up? - .

Getting beaten at home by Reading in the fifth round of the FA cup after knocking out Chelsea in the previous round. Typical Everton; do the hard work and then get knocked out by the lesser side.

Got the right manager?

Unquestionably, Moyes is one of the best managers around and certainly the best we’ve had in a long time. With the exception of forwards (which seem to be his blind spot) he’s worked wonders in the transfer market and got the best out of most of the players around him. But you do have to wonder how long he will remain loyal to a club that gives him sod all to work with?

Player of the season?

Leighton Baines. Consistently good to the point where the team sheet would look odd without his inclusion. That’s probably why he’ll be off to Arsenal or Man City in the summer.

Muppet of the season?

Diniyar Bilyaletdinov; a player with two left feet, both of which make me sad.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Maybe set up a stiffer pre-season. Everton can’t keep starting the campaign so badly. Also, try and buy at least one forward that isn’t either; Championship fodder, injury prone or Yakubu.

Which player would you like to sign?

What I’d like and what we can afford are two different things. I’d imagine there are a handful of West Ham players who could soon be enjoying the delights of the north-west.

Best goal? -

It has to be Jermaine Beckford’s Maradona-esque wonder-goal against Chelsea on the last day of the season. Why couldn’t he have been playing like that sooner?

Best laugh you had all season?

Dalglish’s touchline spat with Wenger. You can’t look hard with a haircut that bad Kenny.

Biggest tosser?

Steven Pienaar: Greedy tw*t, sh*t barnet.

Most inspired chant? -

‘Shoot’ as directed towards Tony Hibbert. Over a decade with the club and so far not a single goal.

How do you plan to get through the summer without football? –

I’m using the summer to convert my son to the blue cause. He’s just beginning to show a real interest in the game and as other (more successful) teams will soon vie for his attention I want to lock him into a lifetime of disappointment and seething resentment as quickly as possible.

Any other news?

Fans of bad kits will be disappointed to learn that our pink away strip is no more. Although its orangey/yellow replacement isn’t great it lacks its predecessor’s ability to induce vomiting.

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