A Good Week/Bad Week In The Premier League

A run down of the latest winners and losers following another controversy packed seven days in the life of football's most ridiculous league.
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Good Week For Chelsea as it turns out they have no weaknesses...

They are terrifyingly effective in defence. There is no weak link in midfield and they have Didier Drogba. Their squad is the best in the league, and superior to the Mourinho years in the Premiership. Were it not for pan-face Lampard, and the twin pillars of imagined injustice, Terry and Cole, they’d be a likeable team. A remarkable achievement by Ancelotti, one of the good guys, surrounded by the English.

Bad week for The Respect Campaign as Nani strokes one home...

Nani was never amiable. At United he’s tolerated out of necessity. Were he on the fringes of one of Fergie’s great teams, he’d generate only contempt. His dive was pathetic, but it’s a shame the criticism he’ll generate won’t be because of that, but because of others’ incompetence. Gomes is to blame for assuming Nani would be rightly penalised, and Clattenburg has form for this type of farce. The problem is this: on the pitch there are twenty-two idiot savants awaiting direction to perform. We cannot afford for that to be twenty-three. Like some refereeing Zellig, always around when some hapless officiating needs to be done, this bruiser is lurking between background and foreground, responsible in some way for slapstick jazz. Some authority, please!

Bad Week For Roberto Mancini’s as City's boss invites yet more criticism...

Manchester City have the second strongest squad in the league. However, they will not fulfil their potential if Mancini persists with a pragmatism of boiled down provocatively defensive filth. The problem for Mancini is that if he is going to play seven defenders every week, he’s going to need to indulge a front three made up of two or three unsympathetic egotists, depending if David Silva is playing or not. Worringly for Mancini, you can already see why he might not be the one to pull this off. He doesn’t like English players - he has a squad full of them. He has Mario Balotelli - deranged and ill-suited to the sidelines - how will he be with his teammates given he’s got to displace Tevez and Adebayor? He’s keen for his players to give up booze but not women - no wonder he’s obsessed with protection - but players can’t even be trusted with that choice. A light blue crew of booze jerks. I hate them all, the cowardly Mancini the most.

Mancini's keen for his players to give up booze but not women - no wonder he’s obsessed with protection

Good week for Russia as they call England's decency bluff...

Granted, England is a fundamentally terrible place. If the electorate elects the leader it deserves, we’re a thick bunch and no mistake. It’s a fetid island, rage turned inwards floating next to an infinitely superior continent. But Russia, bloody hell. It’s never a good idea to slag off the Russians in print - I like my tea polonium free and my head without a bullet in it - but these guys do not give one fig about decency. A country rife with racism, crime and corruption. Putin, a charmless Mourinho figure with a commitment to his own topless stunts, leads a country into yet more misery set against growing international power. Given all this, it should be no surprise that they look the most likely to get the World Cup, matching the porkmunchers at FIFA stride for grimly dirty, unmarked banknote stride. I know it’s FIFA’s prerogative to make the wrong decision, and to do it badly, but this is foul hogwash.

But this week's winners...

Allegedly, Andy Carroll has now had a fight in a bar, assaulted an ex and broken his teammate’s jaw. Yet Kevin Nolan thinks that the most important two things are to get him back on the pitch playing well, and then to get this guy to read bed time stories to his kids. Andy Carroll is a ludicrously thick man, but apparently Kevin Nolan is a wilfully distasteful waste of space. As an indictment of Englishmen in football, these two gormless clowns win it this week.

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