Liverpool Fans: How To Swear At Man Utd's New Defender In Italian

Matteo Darmian is only the 7th ever Italian to pull on the United shirt, so you may need to brush up on your phrases to make him feel welcome.
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Few things are as inherently funny as Italians using profanity, and as someone who has spent two seasons in the Curva Sud at AS Roma I feel I am qualified to help any of you who end up ordering a 99 from an ice cream van on Wandsworth Common, or God forbid, having your hair cut in a Fitzrovia barbers while the Azzurri are playing, dish out a volley of verbal abuse in Roman-style Italian. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than swearing well in another language, so, like an oily Mediterranean footballer, let’s dive in!

The first thing to remember is, like in any other conservative society freezing in the shadow of Uncle Benny’s Death Star Cult, blasphemy is the most offensive form of swearing, and hence both big and clever. Therefore, you want to do lots of it, especially if surrounded by immigrants from Sicily or The South (more than likely: any Italian community in the UK or The States will be almost exclusively southerners), who will be so outraged they might set their donkeys on you. Remember, you’re striking out against an oppressive organisation that has f*cked their whole culture up, whether they know it or not, so be sure to remind them that you’re basically trying to save them from their medieval savagery.

So, alongside your classic Italian insults/epithets, like:

  • Stronzo – t**t
  • Vaffanculo – f*** off, or go f*** yourself
  • Vattene – go away, get lost, p*** off, f*** off
  • B*stardo – work it out for yourself
  • Buffone – Buffoon
  • Pezzo di merda – Piece of s***

Mortacci tua (Roman only) – a curse on your dead ancestors, basically, but normally used like you would ‘f*** off’, or ‘f*** (or even ‘bo******s to’, for the Brits and Irish) him/her/them/you’. We also have any combination of Dio (God), Madonna (The Virgin Mary) and Gesù (Jesus) with an animal, specifically ‘cane’ (dog) or the pig-based ‘porco’/'maiale’. Like the following:

  • Porco Dio
  • Porca Madonna
  • Dio cane (very popular in the Veneto, pronounced Dio can)
  • Gesù maiale
  • Dio merda
  • Mannaggia (damn) a Dio

Bear in mind that ‘maiale’ almost always comes after the religious figure, but don’t be afraid to mix it up; the more outrageous the slur on the creator’s good name, the better – we don’t want anyone to forget just how much of a c*** he is now, do we? Some of the hits of the last year from me and my aggressively, almost viciously anti-clerical friend include:

  • Dio pedofilo
  • Dio caccola (snot)
  • Dio emorroide (hemorrhoid)
  • Dio diarrea (diarrhea)
  • Mannaggia ai sandali di cristo (damn Jesus’ sandals)
  • Porco il vaticano (the Vatican, obviously)
  • Mannaggia a tutti i santi del calendario (damn all the saints in the calendar)
  • Viva il colosseo (in honour of the Romans’ heroic slaying of Christians, of course)
  • Dio p***ing
  • Madonna double entry
  • Dio Canio (an anti-God, anti-Lazio double whammy pun right there for you chaps)
  • Gesù scat
  • Dio dildo

Yes, you can mix up Anglo terms, as they’re very rarely translated; ‘squirting’ becomes ‘lo squiiirr-ting’, for instance. Now, some basic football terms:

  • Fuorigioco – offside
  • Calcio di punizione – free-kick
  • Rigore – penalty
  • Fallo – foul
  • Fallo di mano – handball
  • Arbitro – referee
  • Pallone – ball
  • Porta – the goal
  • Ocassione – goal scoring chance, which you don’t miss, you eat (mangiare, magnare in Roman)
  • Il Fair Play – Yes, they use the English, and you’ll only ever hear this on highlights shows from a sniggering, confused TV host; this is Italy, after all

These are the only ones you’ll need, as you’ll spend most of your time appealing for or against various decisions/non decisions and waving your hands around comically. That’s when you’re not disparaging another country’s cuisine or employing casual racist abuse, in any case.

Right, now you have the epithets, blasphemy and the limited football vocabulary you need. Now for some quick general Italian pointers:

Essere – to be

  • io sono (so’ in Roman) – I am
  • tu sei – you’re
  • lui/lei – he/she is
  • noi siamo (semo in Roman) – we’re
  • voi siete – you (plural) are
  • loro sono (so’) – they’re

Avere – to have

  • io ho – I have
  • tu hai – you have/you’ve/you’ve got
  • lui/lei ha – he/she has
  • noi abbiamo – we have
  • voi avete – you (plural) have
  • loro hanno – they have

Useful words

  • Un/uno/una – a
  • Il (Er in Roman)/i/lo/gli(je in Roman)/la le – the
  • Ma – but
  • Cazzo – d***, but usually used as we use f***
  • Che cazzo – What the f***
  • Dai (daje in Roman) – come on, used exactly as we do in English
  • Ma dai/daje – Come off it

(Note for Italian speakers/readers: bonus points for correct usage of Roman-style usage of ‘stare’ – che cazzo stai a fa’, etc)

  • Arbitrooo! vaffanculo porco dio, sei un pezzo di merda! MORTACCI TUA! – I respectfully but wholeheartedly disagree with your decisions, referee. God is a c***, incidentally, and I hope your ancestors rot in hell.
  • Se semo magnati troppi gol, cristo cagnaccio! – We really have missed rather a lot of chances, haven’t we Franco? By the way, I heard that Jesus is a mangy mutt.
  • Mannaggia a Dio, arbitro sei uno stronzo, stai arbitrando solo per loro! Gesù felching – For f***'s sake, our player has hit the deck like a sack of s*** despite not being touched; where’s our free-kick? Jesus must like sucking his own j*** out of Mary Magdeline’s a***ole, after all.

Get to it, people.