Just when it seemed that nothing could divert the entire world from discussing what an objectionable b*ll*nd Carlos Tevez is, along comes Sunderland’s Titus Bramble with another sex-related arrest, his second in the space of a year. An arrest served up with a fruity little side salad of some alleged class A drug possession. Mmmm… Special.
Of course, it should be pointed out that Titus is innocent until proven guilty, and none of his previous brushes with the law have resulted in a conviction, (it’s his brother that’s currently doing four and a half years for rape), but it’s certainly a touch careless to be getting cuffed so many times.
All of which has got us wondering whether it’s Titus or Tevez who is the biggest tool in the footballing box at the moment. Let’s put it to the test…
RAPPORT WITH FANS:
Tevez’s stock with Manchester City supporters is at an all-time low after last night’s bench-dwelling strop, while fans from the red side of Manchester will probably never cross the road to shake his hand again either. Meanwhile Titus did nothing to enamour himself to the Mackem faithful at Norwich on Monday night with a performance that suggested he might have been playing while pumped full of ketamine. Insert your own ‘caught in possession’ gag here.
TEVEZ TOOL FACTOR: 9
TITUS TOOL FACTOR: 5
Is Eastlands closer to Buenos Aires than Old Trafford? Frankly, who gives a f*** – he’s doing it for his kids so don’t you dare judge him.
UNDERSTANDING OF THE GAME’S TRADITIONS:
The neckless Argentine might still be unable to speak the language after five years in England but the rules of the game are surely universal. If you’re a substitute and the manager asks you to go on to the field of play, there’s a certain obligation there for you to do as he asks. This is something might be repeatedly and forcefully explained to Tevez over the next few days. As for Titus, he’s always been available when fit to play, skilfully avoiding the occasional threat of a custodial sentence down the years. Good work.
TEVEZ TOOL FACTOR: 8
TITUS TOOL FACTOR: 4
PROMOTING THE IMAGE OF THE MODERN PLAYER AS A THUNDERING, SEX-CRAZED HALFWIT:
Carlos Tevez is a family man. Sometimes too much. Even though he could comfortably afford to buy a plot of land the size of Dale Farm and transform it into an exact replica of Argentina, he chooses not to as it would disrupt the lives of his children too much. Instead, he moans and whines about missing them, shortly before switching clubs and racking up another huge signing-on fee. Is Eastlands closer to Buenos Aires than Old Trafford? Frankly, who gives a f*** – he’s doing it for his kids so don’t you dare judge him.
As for Titus, he was arrested for the first time following an investigation into a gang-rape allegation eight years ago, but was never charged. The story led to the rise in awareness of ‘roasting’, where classy gentleman footballers take turns doing ‘special cuddles’ with young ladies, often in expensive hotel suites after a few drinks. Pioneering stuff.
TEVEZ TOOL FACTOR: 1
TITUS TOOL FACTOR: 10
So there you have it - amazingly, Carlos Tevez is NOT football’s biggest tool; in spite of his ridiculous antics in Munich, he only has a knb factor of 18. In a twist that nobody could have predicted, Titus Bramble has come from nowhere to take the crown by a whisker, with a tool factor of 19. Which, incidentally, is the average age of… (REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS)
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