YOUR OLYMPIC HOSTS TONIGHT ARE...
9.00– 9.40 Lucy Sweet @lucytweet1
9.40 – 10.20 Dale Shaw @montybodkin
10.20 – 11.00 Periwinkle Jones @peachesanscream
11.00 - 11.45 Daisy Buchanan @notrollergirl
11.45 - 12.40 Adam Clery @adamclery
You can also follow the fun on @sabotagetimes
Looking forward to plenty of sheep, nurses and Scottish smackheads - should be amazing...
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It's ABOUT TO START!! SHIIIIT! An orchestra!
And here we are...the big questions will soon be answered. Will Emu light the Olympic cauldron? Will Danny Boyle follow through? We can't wait...
Ah, there's nothing more British than a maypole. Let's hope Mumford and Sons don't turn up on that grassy knoll, eh?
And here it is - THE OPENING CEREMONY.
From the point of view of a bee
I don't know about you, but I'm proud to be British right now. I love Hooked on Classics.
Are you all excited? I might have some snacks. I actually feel like doing a big wee.
Eh, it's WIGGO! (are we calling him Wiggo now?). Rings a big bell. OH MY GOD IT'S ALED JONES
And members of Mumford and Son gather to keep bees. Where are the fireworks? There better be some fireworks soon. Fuck this maypole shit.
And we're all very uplifted by the pure voices of children and a dickhead in a top hat. What the fuck is going on? Is this a funeral?
FIREWORKS. LIGHT SOME FUCKING FIREWORKS. Under Kenneth Branaghs arse.
I'm well into this. Some children trapped under looms, that's what we like in Britain.
A MASSIVE exploding TREE! I'm tripping off my tits.
This is horrendous, isn't it? Like am dram on a footy pitch.
Let's all dance and lay some turf. I have no idea what's going on. Where's Phil Daniels singing Parklife?
'Just turn your telly up a bit and you'll get a sense of what we're feeling here in the stadium.' A massive earsplitting Hovis advert
OKay, so the whole place has turned into the industrial revolution with dark Satanic mills - boring. where's Elton on a pink flamingo? gary Barlow on a unicorn? It's all so horribly northern darling.
Enormous sooty chimneys rise like tumescent knobs out of the grassy knoll - but what's this - THE FUCKING BEATLES?
I'm seriously boggled. It's..steampunk. It's like a giant steampunk orgy of bollocks.
The problem with this is the Industrial revolution just isn't sexy. They all look like they've got syphillis.
BURNING RINGPIECES LIGHT UP THE SKY
ET, phone home.
Well, that was pretty wild. And weird. Everyone in the world is going to be like, YOU WHAT? All British people wear top hats and are insane?
IT"S THE FUCKING QUEEN, ACTING!
I hope she takes her clothes off and humps him in the helicopter
So let's get this straight, we're watching James Bond and the Queen in a helicopter. Damn, I do love Britain.
The queen is parachuting into the stadium on a Union Jack parachute. Finally this is getting interesting.
That was pretty good - nice one Queenie. Next, you have to do a duet with Take That in nipple tassels.
ARMED FORCES are on - time for a cup of tea. zzzz.
Oh shit, no wait, it's the National Anthem mangled by deaf children! STAND UP!
Why are they in their pyjamas? You would think that they could have got dressed for the occasion. Lazy bastards.
Oh you are KIDDING ME. NHS the musical scored by Mike 'Tubular Bells' Oldfield? *goes private*
It's OK that the NHS is being dismantled! Look, dancing! Jazzy jazz hands and intravenous boogying! GIVE ME FUCKING STRENGTH. This isn't happening. Nye Bevan is currently revolving in his grave while Dennis Potter coughs up phlegm.
Well, that was er, interesting. (ie, hideous) I will now pass the blogging baton to Dale Shaw and go for a lie down in a different country. Happy Olympics, you nutjobs.
Oh he isn't ready yet. Oh well. Terry Wogan up next, doing the Floral dance.
Perhaps if we all blink together, this will go away and some athletes will appear and do the Olympics. Are you ready? BLINK!
Woo hoo! Thank you Lucy. Now the ceremony is in full ludicrous swing and I am filled to the brim with Olympic fervour (Benalyn, Baileys, Synthetic Peyote – known as a ‘Royal Boyle’). I plan to release all my sweet Olympic mind gasses straight into your faces. So strap on your speed skates, clamp on your luge helmet and get ready for the most exciting section of the Olympic opening ceremony. The middle section.
Well, so far we’ve had fey running Abraham Lincolns, that hill from the Teletubbies, some very phallic chimneys, a group of children singing ‘Oh Danny Boyle’ and the REAL QUEEN. But you never know, it could get MORE peculiar.
After a pretty dodgy start, my FUCKING MIND WAS BLOWN by the Queen bit. That’s the problem with the industrial revolution, it was great and everything, I love a Spinning Jenny, but it was very grim. So we had some weird pacing, you know, a Danny Boyle production.
Yes! Mr Bean! Finally we can show the world how we REALLY do comedy.
I prefer the Vic and Bob Chariots parody when their legs turn into Asparagus. That's a point, where are Vic and Bob?
Perhaps a little nod to Zola Budd there, one of our finest Olympians.
I just found out today that ‘Olympic’ is actually an acronym for ‘Oh Look Your Man’s Penis is Crooked’. It stems from the ancient Greek origins of the games which were awash with penile events.
Rain and the theme to Pot Black! THAT IS BRITAIN!
Oh dear, I may have landed the 'young person's section' I just got clammy.
If anyone fancies a drinking game, how about taking a swig every time the commentators say the words ‘crypto-fascist’ ‘goon squad’ or ‘secret farm experiments’.
I hope we get to see Bruce Foxton on a jetpack.
Hurrah! Gregory's Girl! Boyle just won me back.
Amazingly, an anagram of DANNY BOYLE is SAM MENDES WASN’T AVAILABLE
Oh jeepers, have they just formed a peace sign? Or have the poppers kicked in?
Can't wait for the Gary Glitter medley.
MAY ALERT! MAY ALERT! I can sense him, he is near.
There better be a giant animatronic Chas and Dave running amok and having it off with the Velodrome soon.
Obviously our thoughts are with the brave servicemen and women fighting abroad, who are probably being forced to sit through this as well.
'The whole stadium looks like a graphic equaliser' - Trevor Nelson is on the same stuff as Boyle.
CONTROVERSIAL! Blowing bubbles? West Ham? Olympic stadium bid? Just sayin'
Where are Clarkson and the boys? Don’t the organisers realise how much revenue they bring into the country? There should be a Stig based clip package at least.
A double dose of Dizzee! This opening ceremony just got interesting.
Phew, that was exhausting. I never knew the internet could be that exciting.
The tallest Olympian of all time was Lord Sebastian Coe. He was also the handsomest and the best at kissing. (Information supplied by www.coe.com)
The flame! The flame is coming! Look at it's burning lovliness, like a glorious orange bird. Being held by David Beckham.
That French man just said 'fanny' I'm sure he did!
Great, 'a calming and reflective pause'. Wonderful for the crowd, not so good for live bloggers.
This could be our fake singing Chinese child moment. THIS COULD BE IT.
It’s rumoured that the Rio games opening ceremony is to be directed by Lars von Trier and will feature salsa, soccer and ritual genital mutilation.
Evening chaps. How's everyone enjoyed the ceremony so far? My favourite bit was the protest from the British Dairy Board at the start.
I'm tweeting this live from Wetherspoons - the most British institution I could find. Plus, my front room doesn't do six Jaeger Bombs for a fiver.
Aruba have come dressed as their favourite country. They chose Canada.
The best bit - there's always one person in each parade who looks slightly embarrassed to be there. Normally the person carrying the flag.
Is that guy taking photos with his iPhone? He knows it's being televised, right?
FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE. He's doing duckface. Is he in this parade for a favour.
Is that Ugly Betty? Which country is this again?
I'd quite like to hang out with that child hanging out in front carrying the giant chocolate seashell.
Some of these country names read like a bad hand at Scrabble.
Why do Bosnia and Herzegovina always go together? Are they friends?
Is there an Olympic medal for most terrifying vacant stare? Because Brazil has won that. Who is he looking for?
Anyone else picked up on the fallic symbolism of the Azerbaijan flag holder?
This is how they should teach geography. Just parade people with flags.
I'm not really sure what the rules are here about mocking people's nationalities, so instead will mock their blazers.
Canada has made an effort - they've put on their best hoodies.
Hoodies and chinos. They all look like they've just finished their shift at SeaWorld.
Some people in the parade are TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES.
FFS, don't they realise we're in England now? I hope the crowd are collectively tutting.
So they got the memos that people in England are fond of a hat?
Just realised they're going in alphabetical order.
Is that the hill from Zelda? I've been on this hill! Zelda's house is on the top.
Can we just agree that any country whose location needs to be pointed out by the commentary team is not a real country?
More shellsuits than Jeremy Kyle…
Czech Republic seem to be under the impression that they were going to Glastonbury. Whose idea were the bright blue wellies?
Have sent @amytweetedthis to the bar. We're playing the Olympic opening drinking game. Instead of watching the Olympic opening ceremony, we have a drink.
This country seems to have raided the dressing up box before they got here. Leiderhosen and straw boaters were a bold move.
Whenever a country has the words democratic an republic in the name.. You can be pretty sure its neither democratic... Or a republic.
Salvador accidentally left a sock in with the rest of their wash. Shame. :(
What I wouldn't give to be at the party at the end of this… It's like a distant cousin's wedding where different groups of friends and family are forced to mix. There will be snogging and fistfights before the evening is up.
Is this ceremony being sponsored by a career fair? We've had air hostesses, travel agents, Butlin's redcoats… And now we have sweaty office workers wearing their see-through Asda shirts.
I can see nipples.
Germany are trying so hard to avoid the colours red, black and yellow that they've come dressed as flumps.
I really want a flump now.
Kate just asked William if they can go home now and David Cameron is reading a magazine.
So… Grenada isn't a drink then?
Charles and Camilla are openly mocking the other countries. Oddly enough… the camera is yet to pan to Prince Phillip.
Right… That's me out. Will do a Jaeger Bomb for each of you. Enjoy! xxx @peachesanscream
Hey kids, it's @NotRollergirl, and I'm going to be taking you through 'til the almost dawn, telling you people what it looks like to watch different people carry different flags.
You should know that I got my first big journo break as a sportswriter. I was SO SPECTACULARLY BAD at PE that my school let me be a 'Sports Day Reporter' instead of making the rest of the school spend half a day trying to watch me get over a low bar high jump.
The Queen looks sad. I think she's just got a text to say that the helicopter is stuck in Hoxton and can she meet Daniel by the cab rank. They'll never find each other. There will be endless royal texts saying 'one is by the blue Ford Focus - where ru :/'
Nine athletes representing Jordan. Look, there's Alex Reid!
I miss the disco tunes. I want to see them all slinking along the track to Donna Summer, making 'hot eyes' at each other. I know there are Olympic ruderies. I've heard about Grindr.
What's the weirdest thing you ever did in your PE kit? I once sang excerpts from the score of Les Miserables in mine.
Luxembourg are marching to Wretch 32. I always had them down as a harpsichord country,
Malta! I love Malta! I interviewed the winner of Teen Eurovision in Malta, on a speedboat. It would have been very glamorous if I hadn't fallen in the water, been attacked by jellyfish and had to do the interview looking more swollen than a randy brigadier's trouser department.
ARE ALL OF THESE COUNTRIES REAL?!
Moldova, eh? I *think* they did the Eurovision song in which 'the trumpet' was a subtle metaphor for a penis. I hope there's an Olympic event based on that.
Montenegro is also a very good country because it is in a Beach Boys song. I think.
I have NO IDEA what prompted this but @hharrisfilm just tweeted "Legally blind...as if there are people going around blind against the law" and I am ROFLing HARD.
I have asked @montybodkin for PE horror stories. Was expecting an hilarious tale of "that time I pooed myself" but instead was treated to Dickensian tales of WOE.
The first Olympian I was aware of was Daley Thompson. My Mum had an old Jackie magazine in which he was the subject of a caption competiton. In the picture, Daley was cheerily sticking out of a barrel and the winning caption was "I'm just going for my 'Daley' roll!" For quite some time I thought that was an entirely normal expression, and I hoped to find out what it meant as an adult.
MR BLUE SKY!
I do like those purple velvet blazers. Very Prince. I wish Prince was British. Not that the opening ceremony wasn't great but it could have done with more Prince.
Ah. Some of the drummers are starting to slack off. They must be so tired.
NOT BEING FUNNY, 'LYMPICS, but it's WELL hard to do cheery blogging with all this talk of genocide. AND we're doing all the most oppressive countries now. I'm not Frankie Boyle. I can't break out the edgy LOLs.
I think it's been said before, but this is starting to remind me of the Hunger Games. For me, it's been the Hunger Games since M and Mexico and Me Remembering About Burritos.
EVERYONE has won Wimbledon or the French Open or their school racquet prize. Are the Olympics actually a giant tennis contest?
That man appears to have the events of The Story Of Anvil depicted all over his Olympic smock.
Somalia! Twinned with Royal Tunbridge Wells.
A country of five hundred and twenty five thousand ODD PEOPLE! That is VERY RUDE. All countries have different customs and such, commentor lady.
Jonesing for those Swedish sweaters. I am going to get one and sing lots of Abba songs. In Ikea.
Is one of the Thailand ladies filming the Olympics on her cameraphone as she marches in the parade? IS THAT ALLOWED? It strikes me as a little...uncommitted
BONO?! Why can't we have one swell of emotional public feeling THAT ISN'T SOUNDTRACKED BY BONO. Let the world's poorest nations march to a man in diamond sunglasses! Stupid circle of life.
HI KIDS! You're now stuck with @AdamClery who, having come home from the bar late like the negligent father you thought you'd blocked out, is going to tell you why you're not actually enjoying this as much as you think you are. You lucky, lucky gits.
So, America eh? They've committed some serious war crimes over the years. Strongly fancied in the basketball and track events though.
Somalia came out barefooted (not a fact), and the Americans are coming out with cameras worth more than some countries annual GDP. Not to mention stupid fucking hats.
By the way, what have I missed tonight? Did Pele do the Brazilian flag and Twitter explode with "limp in Olympic" jokes? I'd have made that one.
Oh, here's the Rebel Alliance.
Vanuatu. A country that takes it's name from the incorrect answers in Shooting Stars.
The British Virgin Islands. Twinned with Essex. For lols.
And Yemen. Disappointedly not being led out by Chandler Bing.
And finally. The Olympic representatives from THE MOON.
Naw, seriously though. This is nice isn't it? We're not making a total cat's tit of it so far. Even Cameron's had the good grace not be sick on anyone.
The Chemical Brothers playing to make light of the informal nature of this games drug testing.
If we're really serious about these games, all our athletes would now draw swords and charge wildly at all the other representatives. Slay them before they get to the starting blocks.
Fuck! FUCK. I've sat on the remote and put Top Of The Pops 2004 on! Shit sorry sorry sorry. I'm ruining the live blog. Sorry I'll fix it. Hang on.
The most English thing of all. A Friday night where someone with shit hair tells you to come over them. I'm applauding.
E.T's lighting the flame? Chris Hoy's gone Super-Saiyan? Who's in the bike!
I've already seen this speech. He rips his cheap suit off, and has "I didn't fuck it up" pre-smeared on his chest in children's blood. Powerful stuff.
If I had a £400 budget for an end of the world film. This is what the President's speech would be like.
Ask yourself what's better. This speech, or the cocktail I made whilst I ignored it?
ITV would have gone to ads here. Don't fucking kid yourself.
Imagine if someone whispered in his ear that he'd won the Euromillions? He'd turn around and piss on the grass.
I shouldn't be taking the piss out of the speeches. As the last act on tonight, I have to do one later thanking the other 4 bloggers and the good folks at ST.
"In a sense, the games are coming home tonight". His sly eyeball to the crowd after "in a sense" is worthy of applause. This lad knows the craic.
THROW A JAVELIN. INSPIRE A GENERATION. ??? PROFIT
Translation: "None of these uncultured pricks can understand me now. We'll distract them with the shotput while our crack team raids their bank vaults".
Well done Queen. I've seen *more* bothered heads of state, let's put it that way.
Mentally swap that flag for a coffin. Michael Jackson's funeral.
Oh, hang on. My bad. This is just the team from Heaven turning up late.
British soldiers marching up a hill carrying a flag. Now's probably a good time to mention that we've previously won world wars and such. It probably hasn't come up yet tonight.
A balding middle-class bloke. *wipes away tear*
There's an oath? Surely you can't compete at the highest level if you've taken a vow to not be a total bellend to everyone else. Or is that just football?
Wonder what John Terry's doing tonight.
Chill out guys. The canoe bloke's got this.
Anyone else think it's weird that they gave Beckham the job on water, and Redgrave the job on land?
Steve Redgrave fact: Despite his surname, he'll be buried, like the rest of us, under grass.
East London council. Currently sat by the power button, checking their watches, having a dilemma...
"Macca's on next, let's wait and do it then. LOLOLOLOLOL".
Make a wish...
Hang on. HANG. THE FUCK. ON. Have we actually done this? Is this council estate bonfire actually the best ever opening ceremony ever? Have we actually done something right?
Are we... are we... all... proud?
Everyday would be like this without the Tories. I promise.
No pressure Paul, just don't ruin it. Do LITERALLY anything, just don't ruin it.
What did I JUST say?
The closing part of the opening ceremony is to turn the Olympic Ceremony into every single Indie night in the UK. Unbelievable. Brilliant.
Well. I've had an amazing time here. I'm a horrid, half-cut, cynical bellend - but I absolutely loved that. This is the one country in the world where we enjoy to fail more than we enjoy to win, but FUCK ME. Mr Bean. James Bond. Alex Turner's hair.