Tapping up already Piers?
Zeitgeist Talent Management,
PO BOX CR9
Dear Peter Hill Wood,
Hi! Excuse the unsolicited letter, but I understand you may be looking for a new manager and think I have the perfect candidate for you.
He's English, he's an Arsenal fanatic and he has an unrivalled knowledge of football and management. Please find enclosed the curriculum vitae of Piers Pughe-Morgan.
As you will see from the enclosed articles (see list below) Piers is an authority on football. Having grown up in the wrong end of Guildford, he fell through the talent net. With his playing potential cruelly stifled before it ever started, Piers could only throw his considerable talent and energy into watching from the corporate box. An Arsenal fanatic since the days of Nick Hornby, his reports and in depth analysis of the game have struck a nerve with all fans.
Here's a summary of his Experience and Achievements:
Position: Editor of The News of the World Achievement Piers Morgan pioneered the use of a Fake Sheikh to expose the greed of footballers and managers. Sample Headline: Cashley Cole's Shame Reason for Leaving: Went to work for more money at The Daily Mirror
Position: Editor of The Daily Mirror, Achievement: Using remarkable ingenuity, Morgan managed to discover the private private messages left by a series of celebrities. Created a front page expose that shook the world. Also pioneered a scheme to introduce Mirror readers to the stock market Sample headline: Viglen shares set to soar Reason for leaving: FSA Investigation. Riots over Faked Front Page. Left for more money in TV.
Position: TV pundit and footballColumnist, Mail on Sunday, friend of stars Achievement: Celebrity. Pioneered the bi-polar style of football column. Sample headline: Wenger is God! Loser Wenger Must Go! Reason for Leaving: To become Arsenal Manager
My client has experience of working abroad - he's currently in America, but could become available at short notice.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me. Piers would be delighted to explain how his lack of a traditional British football manager's grounding is a positive advantage! Do you want another Dave Bassett or Trevor Francis?
Should you wish to interview Piers Morgan, I would advise you to hurry, or you may have to wait in line behind the FSA, the Met Police and Lord Leveson.
If you hire this man, I guarantee you he will be fired with enthusiasm
Helena Handbasket, Zeitgeist Talent Management
Follow Nick on Twitter @ohthisbloodypc