Premier & Football League Opening Day As It Happened. Sort Of.

New signings galore, weather you could strip Ian Dowe's face with and the prospect of Paul Merson turning into a blancmange on live TV. What's not to like...
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Whether you're in the middle of the med on a boat or stuck up a scaffolding in Morden, KEEP REFRESHING YOUR PAGE and stick with me today for all the latest from Arsenal v Sunderland, Fulham v Norwich, QPR v Swansea, Reading v Stoke, WBA v Liverpool, West Ham v Aston Villa and loads of Championship & Div One and Two action. And when I say 'latest' & 'action', I mean ripping the Sky pundits and laughing at Iain Dowie because he looks like a cantaloupe...

17.03: And with that, I'm going to get absolutely leathered and toepoke a wall.

17.02: From @TEAMtalk - #Premierleague FT: #AFC 0 #SAFC 0, #FFC 5 Norw 0, #QPR 0 #Swansea 5, #Royals 1 #Stoke 1, #WBA 3 #LFC 0, #WHU 1 #AVFC

17.01: Champ FTs: Barnsley 1 Middlesborugh 0 (L), Birmingham 1 Charlton 1, Burnley 2 Bolton 0, C Palace 2 Watford 3, Derby 2 Sheff Wed 1.

16.57: Liverpool in 140 characters from @woolfc - " Started well, missed a few sitters, but the second half was an unmitigated disaster."

16,54: Cheers for tuning in today, it's a bit mental scanning Twitter, the radio, other live blogs and watching five fat tossers to gain what's going on. Saying that, I was going to live blog the Liverpool game so at least I was spared smashing my own fingers with a hammer and shouting at a stream.

16.52: I'm refusing to listen to any phone-ins but it's gonna be full of Arsenal, Liverpool and QPR fans spouting absolute hell-fire. Lets see where we are after 10 games.

16.51: Andy Carroll could do a lot worse than beat a few players up now

16.47: Whitehead sent-off for Stoke, penalty to Reading... Le Fondre to take... GOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL

16.47: If what I've just heard is right, Stoke have four centre halves and Palacios on the pitch and are shutting up shop.

16.45: Ipswich have equalised. Steve Kean to be hung, drawn and quartered tonight in a shed in the Ribble Valley

16.45: End. Just end.

16.43: Penalty for Fulham. 5-0 from Sidwell. If Fulham and Swansea aren't the first two games on MOTD tonight then we may as well forget it.

16.42: Giroud has missed a sitter apparently the poor sod. Elsewhere, this many attacking players are on the pitch for QPR... Hoilett, Mackie, Cisse, Park, Taarabt and SWP

16.40: 5-0 Swansea. Michael Laudrup has obviously done something. He'll be Liverpool manager by  January.

16.39: I'm sure Le tiss keeps shouting goal and no-one takes any notice.

16.38: First pro Benitez tweet. Tarts. Joe Cole limping off, priceless.

16.36: More from Port Vale @newfieldchris..."Stoke-on-Trent born Vale fan Tom Pope scores a third for #pvfc securing our first home win against Barnet for about 15 years"

16.35: Lukaku, 3-0 West Brom. I changed him for Grant Holt this morning, so not only am I crying, I fancy downing a bottle of stoli.

16.34: This from Swansea @NickyFran75 "All about urgency and attacking flair. Something we didn't have last season. #swanseacity"

16.32: My arse has gone if I'm being honest. Reports that Lukaku has just smashed Carragher and Joe Cole is injured after 5 minutes. Should've have cancelled his contract.

16.29: 4-0 Swansea, second for Dyer. Be interesting to see what Laurdrup has changed from Rodgers, he spoke in an interview beforehand about having a Plan B and C.

16.29. This in from a pub in Liverpool. @woolfc... "Got a free 7.3% Dark Erdinger from the kind folks at The Fly In The Loaf, so this hasn't been all bad."

16.27: Surprised Arsenal haven't scored yet, players maybe down after RVP. Giroud on for Podolski up front.

16.25: I don't want to turn this into a Liverpool blog, but even if the penalties were harsh both Agger and Skrtel should know better with Phil Dowd as ref. Media pressure will start on Rodgers tomorrow unless, ahem, Joe Cole can spark something.

16.24: Fulham now 4-0, great day for teams who play in white. Martin Jol sparking up a bifter of pure sensi I imagine. Hero.

16.22: 3-0 to Swansea, I imagine Tony Fernandes is doing his best impression of a fat sweaty sex-tourist in Cuba.

16.21: Odemwingie smashes it home. Game over at the Hawthorns, joy for Steve Clarke who was harshly sacked by LFC.

16.20. Second penalty for West Brom. Jesus wept.

16.20: Thomas Ince gets his second for Blackpool, never should've been let go.

16.19: In other news, I'll be watching Tonbridge Angels most Saturday's in the Blue Sq South

16.18: Get in, saved by Reina. Carragher on for Downing. I will laugh my nuts off if Carroll comes on and we go route one and win.

16.15: If you have Petric and Michu in your fantasy team you'll be laughing. Agger has just been sent off, sounds soft to me. Penalty as well. Idiot.

16.14: Sabotage Times man Bryn Law watching Wycombe smash York 3-0 away at present.

16.13: I considered having him as well. Fulham now 3-0 up...

16.12: GOAL. Swansea, Michu with his second. 17 last season in Spain...

16.11: Nothing doing at the City Ground, Forest huffing and puffing with Bristol City looking decent.

16.09: The Arsenal half-time report from @mattweiner has mysteriously gone missing. I sense he's on his knees in front of an RVP shrine.

16.07: AFC Wimbledon report from @daysofspeed... "With another opener to a team fully expecting to clean up and go up a nervy starting half hour for the Dons.

New players same manager is always intriguing especially following an end of season that folded like the work experience kid coming out in the Friday lash up.

The first goal came as a tribute to the recently announced intended move to Plough Lane - long, direct by-passed the hectic midfield and last season's top scorer Jack Midson slotted home.

Chesterfield stung - second half will depend entirely on how they react. "

16.06: Free-kick to LFC at The Hawthorns. Over the bar.

16.05: Keep your eyes peeled for a half-time report from AFC Wimbledon...

16.04: Liverpool tippy-tappy nonsense I'm hearing from my various scouts, not pressing enough. This could be lies. Haven't seen a bring back Rafa tweet yet but I'm waiting.

16.04: Going back to Paul Walsh's hair. Why would he do that?

16.00: The only thing I've got to be happy about - "Joe Allen has made 34 successful passes already and he is on course to bag 2 bonus points ..."

15.56: This from Yeovil @WilliamBiss "HT update - Yeovil Town 1-1 Coventry City, we've struck back & arguably controlled the game since Cov stole a free header."

15.54: @donkey_wallopa is watching QPR v Swansea in Dutch... "Swansea look the better side. They are also winning, which helps on that front. QPR not out of it yet though."

15.53: Good news for Fulham fans, 2-0 up at home to Norwich. Always liked Jol, reckon you could have an ace three-day bender in Soho with him. Possibly ending with matching tattoos and a bear-hug.

15.53: Championship Half-Time scores: : Barnsley 1 Middlesborugh 0, Birmingham 0 Charlton 0, Burnley 1 Bolton 0, C Palace 2 Watford 1, Derby 2 Sheff Wed 1.

15.51: This just in from Upton Park @TomAyling "West Ham playing like we're back in N-Power land, but winning somehow -#COYI!!"

15.49: Half-time all-round, Suarez booking sounds week, threw his arms up. In other news someone just tweeted the West Ham goal 8 minutes late. See you in 10. Tweet @SabotageTimes with 140 character reports of your team.

15.49: Suarez booked, unsure why as my brother was screaming at the floor

15.47: From @KeithWildman in Gillingham... "Not sure what happened then. 1-0 to gills. Seemed to loop it over from edge of 6 yard box. Harsh on #bcafc."

15.44: West Brom have scored. Zoltan Gera screamer after a poor clearance. And Kevin Nolan has just put the Hammers 1-0 up against Villa.

15.42: @newfieldchris at Port Vale "Still in admin Port Vale smashing Barnet in our emergency kit. 2 - 0 to Vale and Barnet can't lay a glove on us #pvfc"

15.41: This just in from Reading via @twgreaney in New York "Federici forgot to save the only shot of the half. Pogrebnyak will turn this around. Danny Guthrie has a terrible hair cut."

15.40: This just in from @duguzzle at Upton Park... "Paul Lambert's new-look Villa actually passing the ball and shooting at goal. Amazing scenes here at Upton Park. #avfc"

15.40: Gerrard just been smashed at The Hawthorns apparently. Suarec causing mayhem but, yet again, no end product.

15.39: Burnley 1-0 up against Bolton...

15.37: Liverpool update from Dubai "Not much going on mate, 4-1 shots on target to us, Borini nailed, cole warming up. Final ball not the best, start of season nerves maybe, Albion solid in defence."

15.36: AFC Wimbledon leading, one we should all cheer.

15.34: Ex Wolves man Kightly starting to have some joy against Reading. Pulis must have sent some M-Cat on in the  squash bottles. AND HE'S SCORED. Kightly dribbles one home...

15.32: QPR all over Swansea but can't find a way through. Taarabt to the fore. Without Joey Barton trying to break his legs every morning he should have a much improved season. Uncle Jeff banging on about Blue Peter.

15.30: Reading still jizzing all over stoke with Huth having a mare. Tony Pulis jumping up and down on the sideline in his silly hat looking like a 50-year-old chav on a combination of 20/20 and M-Cat.

15.29: Suarez has just missed a Gary Glitter from a Johnson cross. My bunghole is twitching.

15.28: Charlie Nicholas just said 'more cuter.' Kill me now.

15.27: GOAL. 1-0 Fulham. Damien Duff.

15.25: Who do you think would be the most considerate lover out of the Sky panel? I reckon Uncle Jeff would be a cunning linguist. Merse would go at it like a train. Le Tiss lazily brilliant, inspiring multiple orgasms with a flick of his wrist. Thommo Missionary only and Charlie Nicholas is a lube-less backdoor merchant if ever I've seen one.

15.24: Luis Suarez not being booed at the Hawthorns apparently.

15.22: GOAL Kazim Kazim Kazim scores for Blackburn. That Sheppy Singh bloke has just chewed off his own finger...

15.21: One for Reading fans. Le Fondre and Povbregnyak causing absolute havoc for the Stoke defence. How long until Shawcross proves once and for all that he definitely isn't that type of player?

15.20: If you're not in front of a TV then you need to find one and have a butchers at Paul Walsh's new barnet. He used to be like a footballing thor. Now he looks like an old lesbian.

15.17: If it was anyone but Arsenal would there be this hype about RVP to United. Every sensible United fan I've spoken to are gutted they haven't bought a midfielder.

15.15: End-to-end at Arsenal so my mate tells me from The Emirates. Looking forward to seeing Carzola.

15.14: In other news, let's all remember Scott Minto is the anchor for Revista de la Liga. It's like asking Merse to curate a Bauhaus exhibition...

15.12: I've told you I hate Tony Cottee right? Couldn't get the silver foil in 86 Panini when he was young player.

15.11: Kammy's on, seems to have shrunk. Imagine if the rets of the panel cared as much about their presenting skills as he did about his moustache. He must be at it every morning with his wife's curved Nurse's scissors...

15.10: I'm absolutey heartbroken Nicholas is doing the Liverpool game.

15.09: BOOM. Michu 1-0 for Swansea, Rob Green had a shocker.

15.08: It's like an orgy. Nicholas panting like an Irvine Welsh character.

15.07: Alan Mcanally reporting from Reading. Remember when he was one of the untouchables on the panel. Hates Merson, absolutely hates him.

15.06: When Le Tiss thinks there is going to be a goal he's like a 70s porn star who has just had his perineum nibbled.

15.05: Borini failing to get on the end of a cross as Sheffield United go 1-0 up against shrews. @MickBower1 will be in his cups...

15.04: STIRLING 1-0 UP AT IBROX....

15.02: This just in from @deadbloke... "Tony Daley the Wolves fitness coach, you seen him? Top half of body like Popeye,huge. Bottom half like Olive Oil, legs like impoverished kid"

14.58: For any Liverpool fans reading this, my brother is watching on a stream in Dubai and will be firing in the updates. He likes to shout so they may be in capitals. I'm going for 25+ goals across the board.

14.55: Right I'm off for a slash, half a sausage roll and to make the command for a cold bottle of ale every 20 minutes. Lets. Play. Darts...

14.53: Cliches flying in here. Punching above weight etc. Six minutes to go. I've got a barbie for 10 to cook later, but if Liverpool win I'll be in no state. I live blogged last season's opening game against Sunderland and nearly had an aneurysm.

14.51: According to Jeff Stelling Paul Lambert has massive feet.

14.49: Panel hammering clint Dempsey for a lack of professionalism here, which is fine. I mean I'm sure they've all done journalism degrees and broadcast courses.

14.47: Podolski up front on his jack today, surprising one for Arsene as he scored 18 goals from a wide and deep position on the left last year. Seeing as he probably still can't see for tears, we'll let him off.

14.44: If you don't follow @TheBig_Sam on Twitter. You should. Here's why - "Singing 'Pump Up The Jam' at the lads in the dressing room, whilst firing scalding gravel into their faces. F*** me, we're ready."

14.42: Merse saying Villa have to start well.

14.40 Gabby & Ireland still talking. Link finished with mention of "mighty oaks growing from Acorns." Which is probably what Stephen Ireland has told every girl he's slept with. Ever.

14.37: Villa preview now. If there is a worse double act in terms of hideous facial hair that Stephen Ireland and Gabby Agbonlahor then I'll grow a handlebar.

14.35. Merson: "I don't see West Ham passing teams to death" and "if you play to Andy Carroll's strengths he's as good as anyone, anyone." Anyone. consider that. He means Messi, Gomez, Neymar. That is what we're dealing with.

14.34: Merse is now espousing the virtues of Carlton Cole ahead of Vaz Te, before massively contradicting himself. He's now talking absolute tactical guff. Imagine being a young female intern working with these five. Christ.

14.32: If you care what I think I still think Manchester City for the title. No guarantee that RVP will replicate his Arsenal form at OT and people seem to forget Tevez has arrived back a stone lighter and motivated. I'd tip Liverpool for the top four, but I don't want to jinx it. This Big Sam love-in is still going. What is it? As far as I can see he's half-Churchill Dog half-walrus with a disregard for grass.

14.30: Forgot Kevin Nolan didn't always celebrate like a complete bell-end. Kevin Nolan been well-briefed here to further Big Sam's cause as the next manager of Barcelona. Imagine that, Sam at the Camp Nou, Nolan and J-Lloyd Samuel edging out Mascherano and Abidal.

14,28: Here we go, Big Sam link.

14.26: It's probably worth mentioning that the entire U-11 team I coach ragged me all morning today. Chat ranged from "Rodgers will be sacked by Christmas," and "they'll be relegated." Kids.

14.24: Jesus wept this is the first time I've seen this Redknapp and Bulldog advert. Reckon he gets 5% every time someone signs up?

14.20: Jeff Stelling mugging QPR off there, 40 minutes before kick-off.

14.17: Who would you like to see on this Football Saturday panel? Tweet me @sabotagetimes

14.16: Kicking myself for having no Arsenal players in my Fantasy team and have just dropped a motherload of fag ash on my keyboard. It's like Pompeii here at the moment.

14.14: If you've just joined me, welcome. I hope Michael Laudrup does well at Swansea, if only so David Preece, our resident pro-footballer, doesn't have a breakdown.

14.08: Tremendous group perving there, Stelling and Le Tiss rubbing their thighs like a Butlin's Vic & Bob. Merse, unfortunately, struggles to raise wood these days. Tweet me @sabotagetimes if you want to get involved. It's worth me mentioning I'm a one-man band here today. No researchers, no help, nada. Be kind.

14.07: So, that Fantasy Team. Hart, Riise, Kompany, Baines, Allen, Mata, Kagawa, Suarez, Torres, Holt. I'm already kicking myself for having no Arsenal players and will, without a doubt, give up after two weeks. Charlie Nicholas' hair. Can someone just tell him to grow up?

14.05: If anyone cares, my Fantasy League starting team is.... HANG ABOUT, Merse just called Pavel Pogrebnyak Pogniac, which as far as I can work out is a fake Chinese Pontiac. Phil Thompson, as ever, saying nothing. There debating here whether Jason Roberts is good enough for the Premier League.

14.04: As a Liverpool fan, I'll honestly take a 1 or 2-0 victory with a possession percentage over 60%. Downing and Suarez starting wide of Borini who I expect big things of. First choice midfield of Allen, Lucas and Gerrard is essentially the same set-up as we had under Benitez, but without Mascherano, Alonso and a rampaging Gerrard. That said, Charlie Adam is only on the bench. Let's hope he stays there.

14:01 I was planning to avoid the preamble on Football Saturday (IT'S NOT SOCCER) but, like a moth to a flame, a tramp to a bag of chips and a Premier League footballer to a blow-up doll filled with mincemeat and given the power of life by having electrical hair-extensions, I'm curious as to what Paul Merson has been up to over the Summer. The smart money, unfortunately, is not on him learning to speak properly or remembering the names of players. Just seen Wolves are losing 1-0 to Leeds. I imagine my Father, in a hot kitchen in Shropshire, has just poured hot pan juices down the front of his pants.

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