The Beautiful Redknapps
If only as compensation for the cruel damaging remarks made by Keys alluding to the long Redknapp penis and its various resting places over the years, Jamie and Louise should be inserted into the empty seats still warm from Andy Gray’s heaving buttocks. Him the assertive voice of football, her who used to be the token white girl in an R&B All Saints racial flipside, that both have presumably hung out of the back AND THE FRONT of one another in real life would only add to the guaranteed onscreen chemistry. They’re hot. No one would know which one they’d like to smash first.
Gary Neville and James Richardson
Like fire and ice, Richardson’s collected approach to football analysis would sit in stark contrast to Neville’s endless complaining about why Rio Ferdinand shouldn’t have to piss into a cup if he doesn’t feel like it. Plus, whilst Richardson debates the richer intricacies of the modern game, football’s Howard Hughes can take a back seat and sketch plans for his weird underground kingdom onto the back of his enormous tie.
Gabby Logan and Kelly Dalglish
In a football recreation of the time that the Academy attempted to refute allegations of sexism behind the scenes by awarding Hilary Swank the Best Actor Oscar, the men in suits who make all of the biggest decisions at Sky when they’re not hoovering up gargantuan lines of cocaine from prostitute’s thighs will surely be weighing up whether to replace the knuckle draggers with a couple of sporty women. And who better equipped than Gabby Lineker and Dalglish Jnr?
Strachan and Arshavin
Flame haired Scot meets football’s tiniest Russian fashion designer in what would prove to be either the most misjudged executive decision since someone printed the autocue upside down for Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood, or the most thrilling odd couple since Perfect Strangers – the classic 1980s American sitcom about racists laughing at a man with a foreign accent.
Shearer and a Toddler
Were the PFA to also hand out awards for punditry, Shearer would have the “I’ve just won an award” award for stating the obvious in the bag. His ability to somehow add less insight to the workings of football matches than the voiceover man who simply lists the scores on Saturday afternoon would be wonderfully offset by the deeper musings of a toddler who can barely sit still.
Like fire and ice, Richardson’s collected approach to football analysis would sit in stark contrast to Neville’s endless complaining about why Rio Ferdinand shouldn’t have to piss into a cup if he doesn’t feel like it.
For those who haven’t had the pleasure, Loose Women is a post-lunchtime treat that housewives and students digest their sandwiches to – it generally comprises various thinly veiled anecdotes about going dogging. At the very least, their half time analysis would lift the lid on which footballers would most likely “get it” in the back of a Volvo from a table full of drunk madwomen.
Martin Keown and Graeme Souness
Make no mistake about it, with interest rates set to rise, and cruel dictatorships making life for the world’s population for the most part a massive bummer, it seems a little churlish to incorporate mindless banter into the weekend schedule. Hence, why not accurately reflect the national feeling of deep glumness by giving the job to a pair of haunted men who look exactly like they might have strangled someone to death the night before?
Richard and Judy
Sweet baby Moses, when Richard and Judy are in full stride few double acts can even come close. Richard repeatedly shouting “explain offside then!” to his put upon wife, Judy sitting to one side of him rolling her eyeballs and occasionally playfully slapping his knee for behaving like a massive twat. God they’re good.
Beef and Lamb
If they’re looking for a marquis signing, Sky bosses would be wise to prod around the murkier areas of the sporting world with a shitty stick and see what rises to the surface – it would most likely be Beef and Lamb. The Wise and Wise of after dinner speeches about cricket pavilions. Sizzling charisma barely even covers it.
Jeff Stelling and Charlie Nicholas
If only for the wonderful backing and forthing…
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