The Real Football Gossip Column

The close season throws up a welter of transfer nonsense and tittle-tattle. Here's what's really being said behind the gossip and innuendo.
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Spanish striker Pedro has become the latest Barcelona player to suggest that Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas should sign for Barcelona, claiming Barca's players are "looking forward to see if he joins the club".
Full story: Talksport

"He's bought a house an' that" opined the marksman, "he's got the curtains, had the hall, landing and staircase painted, joined the residents' association and registered to vote. I've been round for dinner and everything. We all have. In Catalunya, we have a saying "When the lavatory smells of your s***, the house is belong to you". Know what I'm saying?"

Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has been spotted speaking to Inter Milan technical director Marco Branca, raising speculation he could be playing at the San Siro next season.
Full story: Daily Mirror

Mario Balotelli has been spotted speaking to an imaginary friend called MC Foo-Foo, who's half-gangsta, half-sea cow, raising speculation that he'll be sectioned next season. Leeds chairman Ken Bates has been seen speaking to tax advisors, raising speculation he'll be paying very little next season. And Billy Paynter's been seen speaking with staff at Subway, raising speculation he won't be going short of carbohydrates next season.

Chelsea will make one final bid of £35m for Tottenham playmaker Luka Modric.

Full story: Footy Bunker
Yeah. One last bid. The final one. Biddo Ultimo. They're calling time in The Last Bid Saloon. This is your last chance to sell him. We're going no higher, alright? We're NOT.

Portuguese winger Luis Boa Morte, released by West Ham, could return to Southampton - 10 years after the winger left the club to join Fulham.

Full story: Daily Mirror
Saints boss, old wassisname with the specs who looks like The Head of 6th Form, said: "The higher up the league you go, the more you need some mad bloke who reckons he's ace but in reality just throws himself around, argues constantly, winds everyone up and has an ego the size of Scotland. If we sign an overpriced piece of s*** like Luis, it sends out a clear message to our rivals that we think we're IT."

Arsenal will have to pay around £18m if they want to bolster their defence by signing Everton centre-back Phil Jagielka.
Full story: Metro

And on the way back from sealing this impressive bit of business, they'll pay £10 for a bottle of mineral water, £15 to have their windscreen squee-geed at the traffic lights, £25 for a box of Tic Tacs and a Daily Mail, and £2k for an unlubricated handjob in an unlit Welcome Inn car park.

"It's intolerable" he told pals last weekend, "we've got the in-laws round in a fortnight and the carpet-fitters are due

Liverpool are interested in £10m-rated Hamburg left-back Marcell Jansen and £18m-rated Porto defender Alvaro Pereira.
Full story: Daily Mail

Proud Scouse insiders say Kanny King Kenny wants to uphold the Anfield tradition of buying massively over-priced s*** full-backs, taking two years to realise they can't defend, then converting them to wide midfielders and going out to look for more massively over-priced s*** full-backs. Real tears of Scouse pride welled in the insider's eyes: "He's bringing the great days back is our Kanny King Kenny, you mark my words."

Chelsea will make one final bid of £35m for Tottenham playmaker Luka Modric.
Full story: Footy Bunker

Right. Last one. NO MORE. No Mas. Basta! Enough! £37.5m. Last word.

Winger Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is furious after being fined two weeks' wages for outspoken comments confirming his desire to leave Southampton.
Full story: Daily Mail

The junior wing wizard tweeted "Propa guttd re AFC lol. Is Adkins sum kind of tw@? Lol. Got a brief now, human rites fing, yea? Lol. Love da fans, dey amazin. Peace."

Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas is expected to get his wish of being left out of the party that departs for a training camp in Germany as he looks to force a move to Barcelona.
Full story: Daily Mail

"It's intolerable" he told pals last weekend, "we've got the in-laws round in a fortnight, the carpet-fitters are due, the driveway needs redoing and the gates squeak and seize up in the rain. We've been here since the first week of May and still all I hear is Arsenal this, Wenger that, training-camp the other. I'm going to have to change my number."

Former Arsenal midfielder Patrick Viera believes the reason for the Gunners' six-year trophy drought is an imbalance between technical excellence and physical strength.
Full story: Daily Express

"They need a fakkin tank in the middle, dunt they?" said the softly spoken Frenchman, "some hard sort roughs 'em up a bit and they s*** their pants, soft cants. In my day we'd have spat in his eye, chucked pizza at him, had a sly dig. Cants aint got no spine these days. Show me a fackin queer in a longsleeved base-layer and I'll show you a soiled nappy. Get amongst 'em. End of."

Chelsea will make one final bid of £35m for Tottenham playmaker Luka Modric.
Full story: Footy Bunker

Ok, look. Stop f***ing about, alright? This is the last you'll hear from us. £39m, use it or lose it. Ok. £39m plus some African kid we smuggled over in a lorry. And a s*** Portugese full-back that Liverpool want. Come on, ball's in your court. Tick f***ing tock ...

Balotelli: Why Mancini The Killjoy Needs To Embrace Manchester City's Lovable Rogue

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