So those hilarious chaps at QPR booked SWP a high-chair at the hotel they stayed in for the Wolves match, but what gifts would the stars of Blackburn Rovers, Liverpool, Tottenham Hotspur, Manchester United and Chelsea put their names to?
Having seen the comedy master class provided by the QPR squad last weekend, whereupon they provided a high chair for Shaun Wright-Phillips to use in the team hotel, I was prompted to look on the QPR website to see how much these highly desirable items cost. To my horror, I discovered they aren't on sale to the general public at all. I can’t help but think that the powers-that-be at Loftus Road are missing out on a real money-spinner here – Tony Fernandes has the potential to double his not-inconsiderable fortune if he plays his cards right. As a result of this glaring oversight I trawled through a number of other club websites to see what unique football related gifts are available to the discerning Christmas present hunter this year, especially as there are only 97 days until the big day. The results are innovative, beguiling and highly desirable.
Hungry Hippos (Blackburn Rovers special edition)
A novel twist on the classic game, though this version involves just 2 hippos rather than the fondly remembered 4 of old. The basic premise of overweight, out of shape creatures scoffing everything in sight remains, though any resemblance to Yakubu and David Dunn fighting over luke-warm tandoori chicken legs is, allegedly, purely coincidental.
Andy Carroll’s Interactive Karaoke DVD
Quite how Liverpool’s statuesque star has managed to find the time to work on this is a mystery worthy of a Miss Marple tome but we should all be thankful that he has – the results are a revelation. Possessing a velvet voice reminiscent of Dennis Waterman in his pomp, the genial Geordie delivers a pop master class, covering a range of classics from the 1950s to the present day. Particular highlights include a rollicking version of Geri Halliwell’s ‘Look At Me’, a subtle and nuanced rendering of the gut-wrenching Glenn Medeiros ballad ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You’ and a radically re-imagined lounge-lizard version of the Sir Mix-a-Lot classic ‘Baby Got Back’. For pure festive fun though, the to-the-letter crooning of Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping’ is the pièce de résistance – you really will believe that Danbert Nobacon is there in the room with you. An advance copy is winging its way to Fabio Capello as we speak; such is the bollock-faced Italian’s keenness to join in with Carroll’s admission of liking a whisky drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink and a cider drink.
The Tottenham Hotspur/Harry Redknapp Face Flange Game
Ever wanted to stick a load of random facial hair on Mr Wobbly Head’s bonce? Well this top-selling item from the Spurs club shop is just for you. Featuring an uncanny likeness of everyone’s favourite footy Cockerney (i.e. wide, jowled and damned scary), this is fun for all the family. Set the timer, pick a card and proceed to add all manner of comedy extras to Harry’s worn in flange of a face before the time runs out, the head wobbles and throws all your pieces right back at you. Be warned though - this game does come with a PG rating. The likelihood is that young children will never have seen anyone looking like a bulldog licking p**s off a thistle and parental care, advice and desensitisation is required prior to play.
Gown on? Medical records fully reviewed? Tweezers in hand? Then you’re ready to play the QPR version of ‘Operation’.
Gervinho Hair-Care Kit
A unisex present so why not buy one for that special lady in your life? That the Arsenal hit man was once a protégé of Nicky Clarke should come as no surprise – those silky locks wouldn’t look out of place alongside Cheryl Cole in a L’Oreal advertisement. Destined to rival iconic hairstyles such as Jennifer Aniston’s ‘Rachel’ cut and Anne Kirkbride’s ‘Deidre Barlow’ perm, the ‘front-combed fanny’ (a phrase which has now been copyrighted) is the hot cut in salons across the country. You can now recreate that look in the comfort of your own home with this superb all-encompassing kit including straighteners, a spatula, a tub of Flora and a blindfold.
Lazy Berb Chair
Fed up of living life in the fast lane? Tired of working for a living? Fancy taking it easy in a style akin to the Cadburys Caramel rabbit? Then splash your hard-earned all over the new and improved Lazy Berb Chair, exclusively endorsed by Manchester United’s laid-back Bulgarian schemer. If you desire to sit on your fat lazy a**e, earning a right old crust whilst watching your colleagues put a decent shift in, this is the kit for you, simple as.
Gown on? Medical records fully reviewed? Tweezers in hand? Then you’re ready to play the QPR version of ‘Operation’. Updated to bring a contemporary feel to this erstwhile classic, it has been suggested in some quarters that the body of the game resembles a certain Kieron Dyer. Now I wouldn’t be churlish enough to suggest that (looks more like Owen Hargreaves to me…) but it does seem to be more than a coincidence that 75% of the game parts focus on the hamstring area. Other key areas of play include a bl**dy big head, inflated ego and very deep pockets indeed.
Nintendo Wii – Fernando Torres Hot Shot Pot Shot Game
With exquisite timing, Moving Target games have released this new rival to the legendary FIFA stable of games. Eschewing the ‘rising through the ranks’ element of many football games, this riveting new title throws you straight in at the deep end, commencing as a multi-million pound signing for one of the biggest clubs in the game (or Chelsea). Will you hit the ground running and justify your massive price tag? Will the weight of expectation delay your impact for a short spell before you find the form of old? Or will you perform like a farting walrus, lose your place to a Macedonian international signed for 30 grand and a packet of pork scratchings and be farmed out to Barnsley on loan? The only way to find out is to dive headlong into ‘Fernando Torres Hot Shot Pot Shot’! Wii extensions included free with the game include a banjo and a fully functioning cow’s a**e, to be used to hone those sublime finishing skills of old.
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