If Tim Sherwood Accidentally Used Passages From Classic Literature During Post Match Interviews

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Crooks: Tim, well done, you must be pleased with that display after last week’s defeat at the hands of Arsenal — what was the difference today?

Sherwood: Erm… we got a lot of character in this squad. Y’know a lot of people were saying, after we’d lost two on the bounce, that we were in blood stepped so far that, should we wade no more, returning would be as tedious as to go o’er — but from the performance of the lad Guzan today, er, *scratches chin* yeh, I think we proved a few people wrong this afternoon.

Crooks: Speaking of Guzan, he got a vital hand to that penalty right at the whistle in the first half, how pivotal was that moment for you in the game as a whole?

Sherwood: Look, I’m not here to say what is or what isn’t a penalty — at the end of the day that’s the referee’s job and I’ll er, leave it for you boys to thrash out in the studio *laughs*. But what I will say about Phil Dowd is, that he is an artisan without memories, whose only dream is to die of fatigue in the oblivion and misery of his little yellow and red cards.

Crooks: Red cards have been an unwelcome fixture in your team’s performances of late, Tim. A lot of fans are going to be asking: How are you expecting to win games with only ten men on the pitch?

Sherwood: All respect to the fans Garth they don’t see what I see on that training pitch, day-in day-out. Lads getting stuck into ball, pressing the opposition hard, giving it a hundred and t-

Crooks: But if the end result is a red card then isn’t that an issue you need to be addressing on the training field?

Sherwood: Look. My message to the fans of this football club is — if the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to you as it is, Infinite. But when you go closing yourselves up, you end up seeing all things through the narrow chinks of your cavern. And it’s not on.

Crooks: But looking at your position in the table now — four points adrift of where you were in last seasons campaign, some sections of the crowd starting to be vocal in their criticism — how are you going to turn this around?

Sherwood: *scratches head, sighs* Some of the results have been disappointing for the lads, for the fans. But — we got a lot of players out there trying to find their feet, a lot of players who’ll give everything for the cause — and so, y’know, we beat on. Backs against the currents. Borne back ceaselessly into the past. It’s the green light Garth. That’s what we have pinned up in the dressing room, and that’s where any squad of mine is heading towards.

Crooks: You mention the past, but, surely you should be looking forwards?

Sherwood: He who controls the past controls the future, Garth. He who controls the present controls the past.

Crooks: What are you saying here Tim? The bottom line is the fans want to know whether or not their team are going to be competing for Europe this year, and if not, why should the board continue to put their faith in you as manager?

Sherwood: We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

Crooks: You mean The Championship?

Sherwood: Exactly.

Crooks: Tim Sherwood, thanks for talking to us.