Bolt For Manchester United? BORING. Here’s five other sportsmen we’d really love to see play footy…
Freddie Flintoff, Cricket
Being an all-rounder, Fred would have as much impact in defence as he would in midfield or attack. Or in goal. Or on the bench. However, his ability to find the “corridor of uncertainty” means he would be best employed as a winger, fizzing the ball into that bit of six-yard box between goalkeeper and defender that has fans and pundits squirming with unease. Erratic scorer who will either bag a double hat-trick in 4 minutes or register a blank.
Club: Bolton, Blackburn or Lancaster City FC.
Strength: Sledging Tim Cahill.
Weaknesses: “That” knee, occasionally waking up in the middle of the Irish Sea on a pedalo, perpetually kicking the ball at Brett Emerton’s head because he’s forgotten that they’re on the same side.
Kammy says: “unbowleivable, Jeff!”
Valentino Rossi, Moto GP
A sexy Italian stereotype with an earring, Valentino is the perfect guy to accede to Paolo Di Canio’s West Ham throne. Even more ideally, he has broken his shoulder so many times on the track that he couldn’t raise his right fist to make an Inappropriate Extremist Gesture, even if he wanted to. Sadly, this also means he can’t take throw-ins.
Club: West Ham United
Strength: All Valentino’s bones are in a permanent state of fracture. Thus: he is never injured.
Weakness: His 900cc Ducati will ruin the Boleyn Ground pitch. Although you could argue that a Sam Allardyce team has no real need for one.
Kammy says: “What an engine on this lad, Jeff!”
Ah, Andy Murray. The man who, when he speaks, makes Falkirk miserablists Arab Strap sound like KC & The Sunshine Band
Dame Ellen MacArthur, Boats and that
A strong-minded individual who struggles to fit into the traditional template of a team, MacArthur would have a tendency to sail through games, often ending up many miles adrift of the action. Sky’s permanent player-cam would provide a video diary of her emotional state throughout the season, documenting her lessening grip on reality and a gradual decline into madness across nine lonely, gruelling, goal-less months.
Club: Portsmouth, Hull. If switching to Rugby League, then Sale.
Strengths: Sailing up the division, achieving personal goals.
Weakness: Sinking to the bottom of the table, leaky defence.
Kammy says: “I don’t know how to talk about women without appearing sexist, Jeff!”
Andy Murray, Tennis
Ah, Andy Murray. The man who, when he speaks, makes Falkirk miserablists Arab Strap sound like KC & The Sunshine Band. Thinking about it, Andy is much more suited to being a manager. Dour, Scottish, perpetually blameless for his defeats and prone to outbursts of unintelligible fury. Plus, he can receive a backhander with nonchalance.
Club: Anywhere except Manchester United, Everton, Liverpool or Norwich City, who already have a Scotsman to shout at the left-back until he cries.
Weakness: Actually winning anything.
Kammy says: “He’s eaten the linesman, Jeff!”
Tiger Woods, Golf
It’d be great to see if a sensationally arrogant, serially unfaithful, permanently out-of-form millionaire could make it in the Premier League. Eh? Oh…
Strength: Taking the heat off of John Terry, Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs.
Weakness: Any female assistant referees.
Kammy says: “He’s getting stuck into the beavers, Jeff!”
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