Who Will Replace Ancelotti At Chelsea?
Carlo’s swimming with the fishes, so who’ll be next on Chelsea’s managerial carousel?
Who’s the most unlucky man in football? Steve Bruce, for having the face of a witch? Lee Dixon, for being surrounded by cretins? Or maybe it’s Titus Bramble, whose deeply scientific experiments in the field of Backpass Studies are so dreadfully misinterpreted?
Nope. It’s Vincent Del Bosque. Not only does Spain’s World Cup-winning manager look like Willie Thorne after a year on the streets, but he also holds the record for the most unceremonious sacking in the history of football.
You see, even though Del Bosque caressed Real Madrid’s ‘galacticos’ to domestic and continental success – somehow persuading Luis Figo, Zinedine Zidane and the empanada-guzzling genius of Ronaldo to form a coherent team – picking up two Champions League trophies and two La Liga titles in four years, the guy still managed to get fired.
To put it in a normal-world, non-football context, that’s like getting fired for being too good at your job.
Stop us if we’re going too fast with this.
Today, however, Del Bosque’s unwelcome accolade came close to being toppled as, after a Double and then a blank, Chelsea binned off Carlo Ancelotti. Yep, he of the dancing eyebrow woke up with a horse’s head in his press conference – or however you like your lazily chucked-together mixed metaphors – at 19.00 hours. He is now in a bag full of bricks somewhere off the coast of Malta.*
So, who’ll be getting Ancelottied in SW6 this time next year? Here’s my top 3 candidates...
According to the Bookies, Porto’s manager – a cocksure fella from Portugal with movie-star good looks and a recently-acquired European title under his belt – will be next in charge at Stamford Bridge. All sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Except this guy is not Jose Mourinho, he’s Andre Villas-Boas. Villas Boas was part of Mourinho’s staff at Chelsea and Inter and, at 33, became the youngest manager to ever win a European trophy when his Porto team beat Braga last week by a goal to nil. Great for him and stuff, but HOLY S**T IT WAS DULL.
Likely to sign: A host of players we’ve never heard of.
Jobless in a year?: Unless he can wrest the Prem title back from ‘ol prune-face in his first season (and exorcise the ghost of his former mentor in the process), then yes. No presh, then.
WAIT – Whilst writing this, Marco Van Basten has just been slashed in half (not literally) and is now 2-1. Rather audaciously, Betfair have him at 273/100 (sexy), while the Open University price the original Dutch master at A = πr2 /1. Yes, I made that last one up.
THE FANS’ CHOICE
It has to be The New ‘Ol Big Ed. If Jose announces that he’s coming back, there’ll be a mass spontaneous rupturing of bowels amongst Chelsea fans, making him the Tottenham supporters’ appointment of choice. Chelsea will revert back to lumping it 60 yards to Didier Drogba – or Anderlecht’s 17 year-old Drogba-clone Romelu Lukaku – and defending with 11 men man-marking the referee at all times. They will concede a measly four goals all season and win the league by 90 points. Unfortunately, all four conceded goals will come against Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final, thus depriving the man who has everything of the one thing he actually wants in a breathtaking and exasperating game of Schadenfreude. As Barcelona are awarded their fourth penalty, even he manages a wry – or is that murderous? – smile.
Likely to sign: Ricardo Carvalho, Romelu Lukaku, Mateja Kezman (only joking).
Jobless in a year?: More like in a week. Once he’s waged tabloid war with Beaconsfield Town’s Under 9s and started a fist fight with Howard Webb over a throw-in.
‘Appy Arry continues his bid to become the most unpopular man in London by crossing town from Spurs – his “last big job before I call it a day” – to take on his last big job before he calls it a day. Jamie Redknapp joins the back room staff, while Frank Lampard Jnr is partnered by Frank Lampard Snr in midfield, rekindling their solid back garden partnership of the early 90s. ‘Arry takes great pleasure in telling new signing Jermaine Defoe – bought for a paltry £19million from his mate down the Essex Road – to “facking run abaht a bit”. By May Defoe, fed by Gareth Bale on one flank and Luca Modric on the other, has racked up an impressive 28 goals. Unfortunately they all came against Norwich on the opening day.
Likely to sign: Tottenham Hotspurs, Lassana Diarra, All Family Members.
Jobless in a year?: ‘Arry is never jobless. He’s always got a mate needs something doing. The question should be, will ‘Arry be taking cash-in-hand payment for painting a garage door this time next May? The answer is yes.
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