The arse-end of Sky TV is a strange place. Once you get through the conventional channels, and then further past the National Geographic, you can find yourself in a variety of very odd places. And when you have nothing better to do with your time, you can find yourself spending hours and hours in the satellite badlands but for me, there was only one weird channel worth watching: Channel 595 – the Deya Broadcasting Network.
The main face of DBN was its founder, Archbishop Gilbert Deya, and the channel put out 18 hours of evangelical content a day to spread the word of his ministry. Deya himself was already a pretty sketchy guy. His main claim to majesty was that he could – allegedly – impregnate women through the power of prayer. I say ‘allegedly’ because, well, he clearly fucking couldn’t. Instead, he allegedly kidnapped children from hospitals and gave them to other families as part of the ‘miracle birth’: a crime to which he is still awaiting extradition to his native Kenya over.
You'd think that the type of guy who's been accused of making a career out of evangelical child trafficking isn’t likely to be a compelling screen presence, right? That’s where you’re wrong. Deya thundered around his one-camera set, shouting at callers-in, eating his lunch, sulking, stropping, and falling asleep during broadcasts. Surreal does not even begin to describe the DBN experience.
But in amongst the craziness, Deya may have also produced the greatest music video of all time – I’m Standing On The Rock, a belter of a tune that has been criminally overlooked in the annals of music history. It has its own choir, its own brass section and even its own dance.
Everything about it is perfect, from the green-screen deserts and waterfalls, to the children swaying with the Archbishop, to the clumsy Christian metaphor the song is built on. If you needed reminding of the man’s awful crimes, however, the comment section is there to keep you in check.
But even as staunch atheist TheMightyP00tis concedes, you just can’t help but love I’m Standing On The Rock.