Letters are useful, aren’t they? I use them everyday, sometimes in various combinations. It’s been on a bit of a journey, our alphabet, and can trace its origins back to the early Anglo-Saxon futhorc alphabet. Christian missionaries then began to introduce the Latin script in the 7th century and the alphabet took on a form similar of that we know today. Since then, the alphabet has had more cast members than the X-Men, however, a roster of 26 stalwarts remains and are still in use today. But which of these letters are the best? Who are the cool kids of the alphabet playground and which letter is the lonely kid in the corner, crying into his margarine sandwiches? Let’s find out.
1. A. Bit annoying, having A in first place, but I felt obliged. It’s the first letter of the alphabet, and the first vowel, so really, it’s the letter that kicks everything off. Without A, the alphabet would begin with B and no one wants that.
2. Z. Strangely, the actual best letter of the alphabet after A is actually, Z; A’s polar opposite in more ways than one. Where A is a right keeno, hanging out at the start of the alphabet for everyone to see, Z hides away in the rough end of the alphabet, smoking cigarettes and doing its thing. There’s a reason all the cool kids in 80s and 90s films were called ‘Zed’.
3. R. R’s a good un. Without it, we couldn’t have ‘Red’, ‘Rubies’, ‘Rabbits’ or ‘Revolvers’. Without R, ‘Rarrgh’ would just be ‘arrrgh’ and that’s pathetic. R’s also nice and curvy, but doesn’t feel the need to flaunt it like some letters do (B).
4. X. Another letter from the wrong side of the alphabet tracks, X is synonymous with cool (well, it technically isn’t, but shut up). Think of it, you’ve got X-men, Xylophones and Xcitement. You know what? X is so cool Example had to stick an ‘E’ in front of it because he didn’t have the balls to stick X up front where it belongs.
5. J. Without J, we wouldn’t have any jokes (much like this ‘article’!). Also, all the cool kids in American movies are called either Jake, John, Jack or Jason, including the Red Power Ranger. Ka-Pow!
6. S. The last Superman film was a bit of a disappointment, but in no way, shape or form can this blame be laid at the door of S. S is a great letter; it’s curvy like a sports car or a supermodel. There’s also a bit of sibilance going on too, which is always a treat.
7. E. The second vowel to make the list, everything begins with an E.
8. F. Following straight on from E is F, the only instance where the people who invented the alphabet paid any attention to this cool list. F is great, it stands for Fire, Fireworks and Firearms. It also starts a few other, non-fire related words such as frolic, fright and fuuuuuuuuun.
9. T. One word, ‘Teradactyl’. Two more words, ‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’.
10. G. ‘Ain’t nothing but a G thang’ as Dre and Snoop once said. Clearly, a Dr who was once in N.W.A knows a little something about letters. Stick that up yer bum, Sesame Street.
11. V. As an adverb, ‘Very’ is unbeatable. Whatever you’re describing is instantly made better by sticking ‘very’ in front of it. It’s what I do in everything I’ve written. None of this would be possible with out V. In fact, if it wasn’t for its association with V Festival, V would have made it into the top ten.
13. Q. The last of the Back End Badboys, Q is cooler than a body in a freezer. There’s also the James Bond association, which automatically gives it +10 points. However, Q does lose points for being a bit of a wet blanket and always insisting it hang out with its best mate, ‘U’.
14. K. Ghostface Killah, the film Kalifornia and Kurt Vonnegut all begin with K and are all ace. Unfortunately, the letter K has only managed to place halfway down the list due to its association with the K.K.K, who loved the letter so much they used it thrice. Equally as bad are people who write ‘Kewl’ in text messages.
15. U. Because U’re lovely.
16. P. Lot’s of dangerous and cool things begin with the letter P: Pistols, Poison and Panther. Also lots of cool countries begin with P, like Peru, Portugal and erm... Poland.
17. Y. Y not?
18. D. Used in hip hop to mean either Drugs or male genitalia (I’m not cool enough to know which) D gives the alphabet a bit of a bad name. Really though, this isn’t surprising as D begins the word ‘danger’ and without danger we’d all be living stagnant little lives. So really, we all need a bit of D in our lives.
19. W. Without W we would have the first four words of this sentence, or the World Wide Web. Imagine a world without the internet. It doesn’t bear thinking about.
20. O. ‘Om’ or ॐ is the most important symbol in Buddhist and Hindu mediation. It’s the purest sound to make, a deep hum that reverberates through the body and helps us find peace. We wouldn’t be able to represent this sound in our alphabet without O, and for that reason, O is alright.
21. B. B only just made it into this list as it’s a smug little bugger. But then again, that’s one of its best qualities. Imagine a vocabulary without ‘bugger’, ‘bollocks’ or ‘bastard’; it’s the vocabulary of a loser, or possibly a foreigner.
22. I. Bit of a narcissistic one, I. There’s no I in team, so do we really need one in the alphabet? (Of course we fucking do, you idiot).
23. C. C thinks it’s ‘cool’ and no one likes arrogance.
24. M. This is a bit of a waste of a letter. There’s not really much use for M, other than to go ‘mmmmmmmh that was nice’ after you’ve eaten some of those blue M&Ms. It’s also a very indecisive letter. Mmm k?
25. H. H is a bit crap. The only word that begins with H is horses and horses are for little girls. And cowboys. But mainly little girls.