The Alternative Olympics Opening Ceremony

Danny Boyle's Isles of Wonder was great and all that, but it didn't feature Gazza on a park bench, Eddie the Eagle Edwards or David Cameron singing the Reggae Reggae Sauce song, did it?


What was missing from the Olympics opening ceremony? Eddie 'the Eagle' being smothered in Reggae Reggae Sauce by The Queen, apparently

Silence falls on the stadium before the sound of a million crows squawk. It’s deafening but beautiful, have you ever heard a million crows squawk? Neither have I, so sounds like a great reason to spend a load of money individually recording each crow squawking. The squawking stops. There is a big drum. It bangs several times before a large figure emerges into the centre of the stadium: it is Bill Oddie and he is made out of bread. We are talking a 50ft Bill Oddie made out of bread, voiced by Bill Oddie, or if he is too expensive Jon Culshaw. He starts to talk: “The Olympics are dangerous for nature, they must be stopped (the crowd boos). We have not thought of the woodland creatures, the birds, the hedgehogs, the badgers.” He continues... “Commercialism is evil, nature is good”, but before he can finish his anti-Olympic rant, the indigenous woodland creatures of England are set free into the stadium and as he is made of bread they immediately head towards him. Within minutes they have feasted on a giant bread version of Bill Oddie.

A trumpet sounds and the animals scatter.

We hear marching. It is the Women’s Institute and they are setting up a picnic for the different ethnic minorities of Great Britain. Women in burqas are running through sprinklers, Hasidic Jews are dancing round a maypole, Greeks are jousting Turks, Somalian mini cab drivers are morris dancing. Everyone is having a lovely time and there is uplifting music playing. Suddenly it goes dark, ominous music plays and the English Defence League, fronted by *Danny Dyer, ride in on animatronic giant lions and bulldogs as war breaks out. The picnic is ruined. Everybody stops, Dyer is on the floor… he has a javelin through his heart. A spotlight shines on the crowd. It was thrown by Fatima Whitbread. She simply says “Differences.”

By the time we look back to the centre of the stadium it is filled with the sea. Look closer and you will see that bankers are drowning in it. However, look again and you will see Duncan Goodhew and Sharon Davies. They start to rescue the bankers and bring them to the shore where Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is waiting. He gives every banker an OBE and a cheque for one million pounds. Goodhew and Davies get nothing.

Paul Gascoigne is asleep on a park bench. We will come back to this later.

We are in a shop called Great Britain, it is empty and there is no one manning the tills. A representative from each member of the competing Olympic countries enters the shop and asks, “Are you open for business?” The question echoes throughout the stadium,“Are you open for business?”, when from the sky Mary Portas descends into the shop and simply says, “Everything is for sale here” (there is literally nothing in the shop, not even any shelves). An interpretive dance to the back catalogue of Showaddywaddy begins.

A swarm of working class people engulf the performance space. They are being followed by TV crews. The working class people are made to argue with each other, some are force-fed junk food and made to cry. Others are stripped naked and laughed at by TV producers. Disabled people are turned out of their wheel chairs, badly behaved children are locked up in prison and scantily clad girls are forced to drink alcohol. Noel Edmunds watches on from a helicopter. Davina McCall rises from the centre of the stadium on a hydraulic 60ft Peter Bazalgette and simply says, “This is reality”. A big gong sounds.

The spotlight falls on a soldier’s wife who is crying, reading a newspaper. We pan around and a convicted paedophile is jumping on a trampoline, Sienna Miller runs through a crowd being chased by paparazzi, some footballers are spit roasting a sixth form student, Hugh Grant is photographed having an affair and a man cleans a politician’s moat. A giant skyscraper rises up and we zoom into the top floor where Sir Steve Redgrave is sitting. He is wearing an earpiece which allows him to tune into all the people of Britain’s conversations and he is taking pictures of everything that is going on. He starts shouting at journalists that he needs more stories - they have a look of terror in their eyes. Sir Steve stands on his desk and bellows “let the marching commence.” Hundreds of people start marching into the stadium holding pieces of coloured card. They stop and hold them above their heads. An overhead camera reveals a human mural, visible from space, of Gary Glitter in an electric chair on the front page of The Sun. It signifies the English press’s obsession with paedophiles. Redgrave cackles before sitting back in his chair to listen to his earpiece.

Suddenly, Paul Gascoigne wakes from his park bench and recreates his famous Euro 96 goal. The stadium erupts. The noise is broken by some recognisable guitar chords: “ Put some music in my food for me...” It is David Cameron and he is singing Levi Roots’ Reggae Reggae Sauce song. He begs the Dragons from Dragons’ Den to grant Britain the rights to Reggae Reggae sauce to get us out of recession. After some discussion the Dragons agree and Britain is granted all the profits from Reggae Reggae sauce. A giant ski ramp is erected in the background. At the top of it is Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards who is naked and being smothered in Reggae Reggae sauce by the Queen. The Olympic cauldron rises at the back of the stadium. The Queen sets fire to Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards with the Olympic torch and pushes him down the ramp. He launches through the air, goes right past the Olympic cauldron, landing in the Olympic village which immediately bursts into flames. The fire spreads all around the Olympics. Everything is on fire: the velodrome, the aquatics centre, everything except the cauldron and the stadium. Children are crying. Olympians are having nervous breakdowns, their dreams are shattered. The Queen is laughing. Let off some fireworks, 2012 is officially open.

*Danny will be acting by the way, as far as I am aware he does not support the actions of the English Defence League

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