1. Remember, you’ll be dressed as a millionaire, so ACT like a millionaire. Point out salient things with your cane. Hook your thumbs into your waistcoat and lean back in a jovial way. (NB: Buy one of those waistcoats with dollar signs on it – the EXPENSIVE kind. Tell Mrs Grant you’ll be a few days late with the rent if necessary). Don’t forget monocle.
2. Try to begin all your sentences with “Did I mention...” as in “Did I mention all the money I happen to make with stocks and computer stuff?” It makes you sound authentic and classy. As does using the word “happen”. If they question you, don’t be too specific. Remember what happened when you tried to get that bank loan for your robot. Keep it vague.
3. If Headlock gets you in his customary headlock, don’t flail your spindly arms and legs in a panicky manner while yelping and gasping. You’re a RICH and POWERFUL man – act with dignity and attempt to fend off his aggression with witty ripostes. Memorise a few jokes and try to learn that limerick. Don’t bite him that just makes things worse.
4. Don’t try to dance. But if you are forced to dance, try to dance with ELEGANCE. Go to the library and use the computer to look up ‘elegant dancing tips’.
5. Avoid everyone you were in the chess/math/D&D club with. Especially Kyle. He’ll just bother you about the money you owe him anyway. If they approach you, shield yourself with your cape. (NB: make cape).
6. Be sure to buy the BIGGEST cigars you can find (if the Londis ones aren’t large enough, see what the joke shop has). Practice smoking them before the event (perhaps buy smaller cigars to practice on). If you gag and choke, claim it’s something they do in continental Europe.
7. Practice smiling. Attempt to show either your upper or lower set of teeth. Not BOTH AT ONCE. See if Glen will lend you his mirror. Brush teeth twice. Buy gum.
8. Try not to go to the toilet (see Headlock, above).
9. Write will. Kyle gets nothing.
10. Good words to drop into conversations: yacht, bullion, whirlybird (rich man slang for a helicopter), croutons, rubies, bidet, St Tropez, condo and vault.
11. If all else fails, fake an important phone call on your travel phone (NB: Borrow a travel phone for the evening. Maybe ask that man at the library? I think I saw him with one and he seems to like you).
12. You won’t be in a limo, but act like you just got out of a limo. Find out what free gifts you get when travelling by limo.
13. When you see Debbie – DON’T PANIC. Don’t cry. Don’t vomit. And don’t cry AND vomit. Remember the last two high school reunions and the harrowed expressions on your classmates’ faces. If it’s inevitable that one of these is going to occur then try to vomit rather than cry. Then you can blame it on the richness of your millionaire’s diet. (Say: “Sorry about that. Did I mention I happen to have a number of Fabereged eggs for lunch at my millionaire’s club?”) As you approach Debbie, try to be NONCHALANT. Beware of drool and spittle. Don’t propose immediately. Lead up to it. If she starts to laugh (like last time) laugh along (remember thumbs/waistcoat), then fake a heart attack and run. Run like you are running towards a limo.
14. Don’t return, get on stage, push the singer aside and make that speech about the unfairness of life. Don’t point out people in the crowd who have held you back (even though you have a cane, which would make this easier) and DON’T do your MIME about LONELINESS.
15. And remember, this could be the best night of your life, so don’t forget to have fun!