It is a truth universally acknowledged that approximately forty seven percent of the average person's working day is comprised of daydreaming/dicking about on the internet.
Being an altruistic type of gal, I endeavoured a couple of years ago to start writing a blog that encouraged those (who were that way inclined) to sit around at their desks in work debating who, out of all the thousands of famous men, they would definitely fuck if they were given the opportunity. The blog, WOULD, runs the never predictable gamut from Louis Theroux to Tom Ford to Michael Palin to James Dean but here is my personal all time top ten.
10 – Bill Murray
Funny – that elusive yet infinitely desirable quality – gets you laid. You can ask Woody Allen if you like, but it’s easier and quicker just to listen to me. I get laid all the time, and I am SO FUNNY. Bill Murray, the pockmarked, lanky limbed, squashy-nosed star of all the best comedies ever made, is very funny. He is also desired globally by millions of women (and men). You know why? He can laugh at himself, he can laugh at - and make fucking good jokes about - others, and he can quip quicker than anybody else. This makes him attractive. Yes: more so than you. Correct.
9 – Richard Madden
You watch Game of Thrones, obviously. I mean, you’re not a moron, right? So, you’ll know that Robb Stark is, or more to the point: was (uh oh, spoiler alert. Fuck off) the best guy, apart from Jaime Lannister, Jon Snow and loads of others. Robb Stark is the one who is set on vengeance for his family, who has decent morals, and marries a commoner even though he’s sort of medieval royalty or whatever. I like this trait in a guy: commoner marrying. It means that I stand a chance with Ryan Gosling (I stand one anyway, to be fair. I’m pretty fit).
8 – Paul Newman
A classic, right? And, a seemingly bloody ace chap to boot. Probably the best looking man to have ever lived, he still looked absolutely fuckable in his seventies – which is no mean feat. A mere glance at Hugh Hefner will confirm that this task is terribly difficult. Hef looks like an emaciated toad that has been on a ram raid in the Debenham’s sleepwear department. Nah, what is so much harder is retaining elegance and style, as well as natural good looks. Newman had serious class. No one can ever take this away from him. Apart from the Grim Reaper. Oh, he already did. Gutted.
7 – Alexander Skarsgård
The dude’s six foot four, he’s got a brilliantly sardonic Swedish sense of humour, and he has eyes that are reminiscent of a glacial shift. HELL yeah, he’d get it! I’d even do his dad at the same time. Fuck it; you only live once, don’t you. Swedes in general are as beautiful as serenely gliding swans. I should know -- I have Viking genes myself. Skarsgård junior is probably best known for playing an exceedingly sexual vampire in True Blood, and I know that if I had the choice of being drained of all my blood by him, or living . . . I’d choose the former.
6 – Christoph Waltz
Ok, so he’s a little on the short side. No problem. Slightly older? Great! Speaks about 16 languages? Oh go on then. Got a wonky little weird face? Not an issue pour moi. Charisma? BINGO. Got it in shed loads. What a guy! Supremely talented, yes; but mainly he is as charming and erudite as you’d expect from a Viennese academic. Plus: silver hair. No doubt he’ll be winning many more Oscars over the remainder of his career, so in the mean time, just sit back and enjoy the movie magic. AND the masturbation.
5 – Marvin Gaye
He’s only the former owner of the greatest voice to ever have existed! I say former, because he is well and truly deaded. Killed by his own father, no less. The reason for this was because he’d turned into a mental after years of drug abuse and was probably being a right dick that day. His dad just thought ‘Fuck. This. Shit’ and shot him. But before that, young Marvin was just incredibly beautiful and wonderful and sung like the purest angel you can imagine. It’s a shame about cocaine, innit. So fun to do; so bad to do too much of. Ah well.
4 – Josh Homme
He’s tall, he looks like Elvis, he’s a ginge. So far so g….WAIT! He’s a ginge???? I fancy a ginger bloke? Fuuuuuck.
3 – Eric Bana
Have you watched Troy? If not, why not? There’s the seemingly endless and terrible script, the utterly amateur cinematography, the LOLability of Sean Bean’s Yorkshire/Ancient Greek accent, and the fucking boring storyline (I mean, it might have been epic at the time, but whevs). So, what are the redeeming features of this film, I hear you ask? Well, my friend, let me refer you to Hector (Eric Bana), topless, masculine to the end, strapping on his arm protectors. ‘Nuff said. I still would have in Chopper too, by the way. I’m not fussy.
2 – Paul Rudd
Literally no women are immune to the nerdy charm of Paul Rudd. Show me one and I’ll show you a GOD DAMN LIAR. They like him because of Clueless and Friends. Blokes like him too because he has an obtainable physique, an easygoing charm, and yet still all the babes want to get a piece of that. Also he stars in loads of films that LADS like, such as Anchorman and The Forty Year Old Virgin. Accessible, isn’t he? Yet, despite his accessibility he is sexy and has a twinkle in his eye that belies his dishevelled demeanour. I’d like to stroke him.
1 – Jeff Bridges
I love him. I mean, I really LOVE him. What’s not to love? He is the coolest guy ever. He’s the nicest man in the whole of the world, with the best dimples, the best crinkly eyes, the best voice and the best acting. He’s a massively underused actor, but everything he does is wonderful. If you go back, way back, you’ll see that he was once a desperately attractive, thrusting, young, leonine prince among men. These days he is wonderfully creased, with silvering hair that is still as thick as Kelly Brook’s IQ. He’s a global treasure, who loves women and treats them with the respect that we deserve. I just want to get pissed with him and talk about LIFE.