The internet is a vast, everexpanding, terrifying orgy of the weirdest things you can, can’t, and shouldn’t imagine.
Started in 2009, Kickstarter, for those of you who haven’t been on the internet before, was created as a “crowdfunding” platform: you can submit an idea, and people will give you money if they are stoned enough to think it should be made a reality.
It’s the sort of 21st century idea that has matte-finish mags like Wired and FastCo creaming their buzzwordfilled pants and screaming bloody innovation murder.
But it’s not all about bongs that calculate the optimum time to order Domino’s and Homer Simpson’s Cars. The most successful Kickstarter campaign to date, the Pebble “smartwatch”, raised over $10m from 68,000 people that also shared the belief that you should strap your 7.1in Galaxy screen to your forearm so that you don’t have to stick your dirty Meal Deal fingers into your damp, pissridden deskpants to check the weather and dismiss another fucking Candy Crush invite notification. There was also a crowdfunded Veronica Mars movie.
Now, there are hundreds of thousands of ideas currently being funded on Kickstarter. Some good, some bad, and some very, very bad. Luckily, the person asking for money doesn’t receive a penny until the project is 100% funded, which means a lot of the more dubious projects thankfully don’t ever see the light of day.
There is one example of Kickstarter awesomeness and internet weirdness that is circulating the web and every single news source with a Twitter account right now, and that is the notorious, infamous, and most contemptuous... Potato Salad. That is correct, a man asked for $10 to make a potato salad and now he has almost $50k to do whatever the fuck he wants to do and kill whatever animals he wishes to put in it.
Sadly, there are countless other projects that simply cannot harness the world’s imagination quite like the humble Potato Salad. Here are some that are deserving at least of a pledge or two:
1. This Probably Fat Bloke Wants To Make Marshmallows In ANY FUCKING FLAVOUR YOU WANT
This guy has already hit his target. But that doesn’t mean there is a whole load of stupid weird shit we can ask him to do. For just £10 he’ll apparently make whatever flavour you want. I don’t know if it is just the fat kid from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory in me, but what the hell is everyone waiting for?! WHITE RUSSIAN MARSHMALLOWS NOW
2. This Toothbrush That Does Loads of Stuff
Despite the broken English, this is one of the better pitches I’ve come across: not only will this monstrosity save you heaps of time squeezing toothpaste onto your brush, but judging by the pictures it’ll also clean your bathroom sink headtotoe, which is obviously nothing short of spectacular.
3. This Belt That Doesn’t Even Have Bloody Holes In It
What’s that? You’re too poor to fatten up for a 34 but enjoy a pale ale too much to squeeze into a 32? Fear not, this delicious slice of leather allows you to expand and contract as you wish. The adjustable clasp thing changes to millimetreprecision with every Chicken Legend you inhale, so you don’t have to worry about looking like a stock photograph like the poor fuck above.
4. This App That Lets You Talk To People You Walk Past Without Having To Talk To People You Walk Past
God only knows that we need more apps to further inhibit our social fluency. Now, next time you carefully avoid making eyecontact with someone in the street, you can send them a friendly and notcreepy notification that you noticed their existence but were too much of a pussy to do anything about it.
5. This Monstrous Rug Of Drake’s Head
You got the house. You got the walls, you got the floor. What don’t you got? You don’t got a rug made of Drake’s head and you certainly ain’t 25 sitting on 25 mil. Back this, and you could be part of something beautiful. First, there was the solid gold Rick Ross piggy bank. Which is fabulously hideous. And now, there is the Drake Rug. Next, Biggie beanbags and Tupac Twopacks. I’ll let you have those ones for free. Thank me when you’re funded.
6. This Fantastic Bumblebee Pun
Bored of food, bored of drinks, bored of breathing air, why not try sinking your teeth into a cockroach panini or a stickinsect salad? Or this thing that somehow resembles a food you might actually want to eat? *Quietly lets vomit drip over keyboard*
7. This Even Better Whoopie Goldberg Pun
The most punheavy pitch possibly ever (aside from his previous project, Google Glass). I’m not even going to try and justify this entry. Give this man some money please so that we can all just have a good time sitting on Whoopie Goldberg’s face whilst she parps gleefully between our buttocks. It may be the only chance we get. Thankyou.
8. This Cocktail Bartender Without The Attitude
Creepily wellmanicured neckbeard. Nope. Various puree down front of leg. Nuhuh. Sighing when you smugly order up 7 Vesper Martinis because you’re a dickhead James Bond, but lacking the charm or MI6 credit card to foot the £60 bill? NOT HERE SIR. This box of wonderful will create you (allegedly) any cocktail through it’s weird technique of sucking and measuring. You just hook it up to a drip of Absolut like it’s George Best’s birthday, dip one of it’s other tentacles into some other bottle you found in the kitchen after the party and BAM you got yourself a precisionmachined, computerengineered alcoholic cocktail, so you can hasslefree slur yourself into oblivion until you bin all your friends for kitchen appliances and dump your girlfriend for the microwave.
9. This Nutter That Wants £160k To Play Tennis With Boris Johnson
Apparently this bloke read or heard once on the Mail Online or something that someone had paid £160k to play tennis with David Clegg and Boris Cameron and obviously thinks he is entitled to do the same because he read it on the internet and he is angry. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough Bush TV/Video combis in all the Cash Converters in the world to come anywhere close to hitting this obscene and mostly pointless target. This guy is the selfappointed, pubmatefunded Pied Piper of our times, Kicking, Starting and 2like Facebookposting his way into political revolution. He claims that for £160k he will tell Johnson and Cameron just what’s what (which is what?), panting between arthritic serves and pints of Pimm’s. Clearly he hasn’t heard of #AskBoris.
10. Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared: The Series
Anyone who, again, has ever connected to a WiFi network will know the importance of DHMIS. The allsinging, allrhyming, puppet patrons of our generation, dispelling myths of death and time through the power of animation and felt. Now, everyone knows that felt don’t come for free. And they need more felt. Much more. To make an ENTIRE SERIES based on the little critters adventures through the perils of our confusing and mysterious universe, unravelling the disturbing and enlightening truths behind our complex emotions and personalities. If you back it for anyone, back it for the children.