10 Things They Found In Rebekah Brooks’ Missing Bag

The cops have got their hands on Rebekah Brooks's stashed bag of tricks. Here's ten things no self-respecting fugitive should be without.
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If Rebekah Brooks’s life wasn’t at a low enough point already she’s only gone and ‘lost’ a bag full of incriminating precious belongings.  Always one to get someone else to do her dirty work for her, she sent hubby Charlie off to pretend the bag was his.  Funnily enough the security guard was having none of that and wouldn’t hand it over.  As we speak police are rummaging through the contents and pricing up any valuables ready to list on eBay.  Rather than being misplaced I suspect the bag was left in the bin ready for Brooks to go on the lam before this afternoons appearance before the Commons committee.

Here’s ten things Rebekah’s bag probably contained ...

1. An Extradition Countries Map

The net is tightening for any self-respecting lag on the run these days.  In years gone by all you had to do was row a dinghy over to the Costa Del Crime and a life of beach based fun and frolics was waiting for you.  Now your choices include such delightful destinations as North and South Korea,  Burkina Faso and Yemen.  With famines, uprisings and civil wars on the menu the countries have had very little time to set up a welcome party for Brooks.  On the brightside for Beks I think most of the countries show little regard for a free and fair press.

2. Fake I.D

You’re not going to get far as a fugitive without a fake I.D and Louise Boat is probably the best name to sneak out of the country under right now.  After all, the combined genius that is Sky and the news team didn’t have the foggiest just who Louise Boat was last night.  All aboard the LulzBoat Rebekah and set sail for foreign lands.  Don’t forget to leave the log in details passwords for the News International websites on your way out.

3. Bear Grylls Survival Guide

If there’s one man that knows how to pretend to survive against all manner of camera-crew set up situations it’s Bear Grylls.  As neither party are apparently strangers to weaving webs of lies, Brooks should find this book a most informative read.  She’ll learn how to pretend to live off all manner of insects, wild plants and even build a shelter.  It’ll be no Sunday lunch at Chequers, but at least she’ll feel at home if she ever has to rummage through someones bins for a scrap to eat.

4. The Government’s Missing Data

Any good journalist knows that maintaining good contacts is key.  Over the last few years all manner of data sources have been lost by the government and what could be more handy in a time of crisis than 25 million people’s contact details?  Trouble is, she could knock on all of those doors and not one of them would give her B&B for the night.

5. Cyanide Pills

If Bond movies have taught us anything it’s that cyanide capsules are the only solution if you’re caught by the enemy.  Far be it from me to suggest this as an option for Brooks, but it’s a wonder she didn’t down one of these with a glass of Lambrini when we were all baying for her blood last week.

6. A Prison Break Boxset

Chock full of handy tips for any budding fugitives, this is one box-set not to miss.  This chould keep Rebekah at large for at least four seasons unless BSkyB commissions her for a fifth season.  Whether she’s got the blueprints of Holloway prison tattooed all over her torso remains a rumour at this stage.

7. A Tom Pellereau Curved Nail File

It did wonders for Tom in this years Apprentice transforming him from geeky nerd to ace inventor with a 'special parcel' - who knows what it could do for Beks.  Normally a fairly innocuous item in any woman’s handbag but in light of her recent arrest it could be just the thing.  The possibility of her doing some jail time means this file is probably destined to help her escape the long arm of the law rather than tend to any manicure woes.  Brooks will get bonus points if she’s hidden her file in a cake.

8. A Can of Frizz-Ease

A girl’s got to make sure she looks her best in taxing times.  Whether she finds herself lost in a humid rainforest or working in the prison laundry, Rebekah should make sure she’s never too far from a can of Frizz-Ease.  A bad hair day is the last thing she needs right now.

9. 800 Benson & Hedges

Other than being someone’s bitch, tobacco is an instant way to make friends in prison.  Handy for trading or buying a few hours respite from ‘special attention‘, cigarettes are the jail equivalent of cash.  Should Rebekah end up in a gritty real life remake of Prisoner Cell Block H, a few fags should help that prison sentence fly by.

10. A Marilyn Monroe Poster, A Rock Hammer and Morgan Freeman

These were the only three things Andy Dufresne needed for his ‘Shawshank Redemption’.

Rebekah’s a long way off redemption but with these items in her bag of tricks she can’t go wrong.  Unless Morgan Freeman decides to reprise his role of God from Bruce Almighty and smites Brooks with an unspeakable selection of pestilence, disease and tragedy befitting her crimes.

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