The other day, I was feeling contemplative as I sat on my balcony overlooking some houses, and I wondered about all those great TV shows and lifestyle magazines and food stuffs that were once so prevalent but are now no more. I yearned for each of them individually, and I wept for them collectively. I don’t know where any of this is going, but I’m about to introduce a short list of things that should be revived.
The teenage staple 'Bliss' is the latest in the long line of doomed magazines to be conveyor belted into a firey abyss, and as a magazine writer myself (I even worked for 'Bliss' once), this now puts me on a similar footing to people who used to take messages for pagers. We need mags back - and fast - else, frankly, I’m fucked. Smash Hits making a triumphant return would be a good start – if only to remind pop stars that, above anything, they’re there to be laughed at.
The Sopranos is the greatest TV show there’s ever been, and I base that on having seen ALL television programs ever made and not liking them as much. It’s enthralling, it’s engrossing, it’s educational, because you learn how to pronounce things correctly. “Moot-sarray”, “pra-shoot”, “gabagool” is still “gabagool” no matter how you look at it. This one would be easy to bring back too – just fade in from black and pretend nothing happened. Even though Anthony Junior is suddenly middle aged and Tony’s being played by Danny DeVito.
Dungarees on men
There’s probably a hipster contingent somewhere who have been “rocking dungas” for absolutely ages. Those pricks can fuck off. I’m talking about the average man on the street, strolling through town in a pair of dungarees, not feeling stupid nor getting heckled nor suddenly getting the urge to jog home. That’s a world I want to live in.
Don’t commission a new series, just show the old ones. No brainer.
Before London became saturated with Ruperts selling pulled pork sandwiches and artisan buns, the rich-poor divide was far less blurry – if you had lots of money you dined at Pret, and if you didn’t you went to Benjys where you could get a giant jacket potato with cheese for 3p.
I wasn’t a huge fan of The Face, chiefly because they once commissioned me to write “an essay” which sounded unbelievably pretentious. But I’m just one guy in a sea of other people, and those other people are made up of males and females with penises and vaginas and literally all of them are super-trendy now because of tattoos and Top Shop. It could even be MAINSTREAM this time around (OMG they’d hate that!). (Not sure why that was in brackets).
Wendy’s Burgers in England
Apparently there used to be a Wendy’s in London, A WENDY’S! For people who don’t know, Wendy’s is a great fun burger restaurant that’s like McDonalds only the burgers are square. SQUARE! Like a six-sided dice or an ice cube that’s yet to melt. It’s re-emergence into the burgeoning street food scene would really shake things up.
The greatest kids TV show of all time, and that includes Byker Grove starring Jimmy Nail, and Grange Hill starring Ray Winstone. For those who don’t remember, this told the story of the Junior Gazette, a Bugsy Malone newspaper run by teenagers, and it starred Dexter Fletcher and Julia Sawalha as Dempsey and Makepeace.
Flight of the Conchords
Like so many great bands this series suffered from Second Album Syndrome – the first series was amazing, the second featured lots of funny guys standing around with their hands in their pockets looking confused. But do normal people throw in the towel and flounce off to pursue extremely successful careers elsewhere just because they’ve run out of jokes? (Don’t answer that)
Good pubs that no one really goes to
When I was a lad back in the 1840s it wasn’t uncommon to tie your horse to a tree and wander into a pub where you’d find a jukebox with all the best songs on it, and a comfy seat just for you and your crow. Nowadays you wouldn’t stand a chance. It’d be full of dickheads with beards. Like me. And girls with pudding bowl haircuts. Like Joan of Arc.
[This piece was originally published here]
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