Google+. The Facebook Killer. Everyone's got an opinion on it, but it appears that very few of us have actually had the opportunity to use it. Why? Because Larry Page and his gaggle of milksop developers are worried about us blowing up the internet in our rampant fervour to immediately gain access to it.
For now, at least, Google+ is invite only. Here's how you get one.
The first way to get an invite is by clicking here. But you'll be told that Google+ is “not quite ready for everyone to climb aboard” and that they'll “let you know the minute the doors are open for real. Cool? Cool.” Actually, Google+, it's not cool. It's not cool at all. I've packed up my photo albums, left the security of Facebook and travelled miles across cyberspace, only to be turned away at the border. I'm a social networking refugee. Sort it out. If you won't, I will...
2. Let them come to you
Google are sending out invites seemingly at random. Just the other day I received an email from their Nigerian HQ telling me all about how Google+ is “working out the kinks with a small group of testers” and how I am “one of the lucky few selected to help” and how “they've slashed the prices of their Viagra” and how “a man with a flaccid penis is not a real man.” So perhaps the best way to get an invite is to just sit it out and let them come to you. Once they do, click absolutely every link they ask you to and be sure to enter your sort code and account number when prompted.
3. Cadge an invite
If you've got any mates that already have access to Google+, they can click the button that allows them to invite new friends. All they need is your email address and you're away. So, to recap, ask one of your friends – be they real friends or pretendy Facebook friends or Twitter follower-friends – if they wouldn't mind sending you an invite to be their friend all over again in the realms of a place that doesn't really exist, through a medium that you don't really need access to. This is in no way depressing, demeaning or anathema to the fundamental principles of friendship.
4. Blag an invite
Techies, websperts, geeks, virgins. Whatever you want to call them, these cats can get you in. They're always at cloak and dagger meet-ups and conferences and strip clubs, discussing startups and platforms and strippers; it's at these events that they network their way into getting early invites for stuff like Google+. Probably.
Find one. Woo him/her (obviously him). Snare an invite.
5. Get in bed with Cameron for an invite
This week, Sabotage Times obtained a startling leaked memo from David Cameron in which he proposes a referendum asking the electorate to back him in a bid to outlaw all face-to-face contact.
“We've inherited a proper mental deficit from Labour,” Cameron could've said. “The only way to get shot of it, is to stop talking about it.”
He went on to suggest that everyone who backs his “communication reform” will receive an invite to Google+, which he refers to as “a safe and censorable means of preventing those oiks from getting together and plotting against me.”
We asked Cameron what he knew about social media and the Arab Spring. He mumbled something about using Twitter to check the weather in Dubai.
Life is good for you at Facebook, isn't it? Everyone properly loves you, you're a hero over there. But for a while now, you've been thinking that you're far too big for that particular social network
6. 'Buy' an invite
Simple. Buy one. “GOOGLE+. RELIABLE SELLER. GENUINE INVITE. 100% GUARANTEED. INSTANT DELIVERY.” What's not to trust? I absolutely insist that anyone, anywhere, trying to sell me stuff online highlights how honest they are by purporting their virtues in shouty capital letters. It just removes all doubt that they'll simply take my money and give me absolutely nothing in return, knowing that I am not going to endure the mind-numbing, soul-blackening process of trying to retrieve £3.12 (plus 62p delivery) through Pay Pal.
7. Hack an invite
Sabotage Times feel that uncovering the truth about how to get an invite for Google+ is categorically in the public's interest. With this in mind, we took it upon ourselves to hack into the voicemails of several high-profile News of the World and News International journalists. Our findings – an exclusive scoop – reveal that the hacks at Murdoch Towers have took to whoring out their own grandmothers and drowning blind kittens in return for invites.
“It's honest graft compared to our normal line of work,” we recorded one journo quipping.
8. Download an invite
Got an Android blower? Keen on wasting time, money and dignity? Download the Google+ Invite App. Once you navigate your way through a volley of exasperating display and notification ads you'll be directed straight to the Google+ invitation page (see 1.).
9. The Carlos Tevez method
Life is good for you at Facebook, isn't it? Everyone properly loves you, you're a hero over there. But for a while now, you've been thinking that you're far too big for that particular social network. They've got all the backing in the world, but you just don't see them going anywhere, right? You've kicked off about it a few times in the hope that someone like Google+ will come in and rescue you, send you an invite to go and join them, but to no avail.
I'll tell you what you need to do: start banging on about how much respect you have for Facebook but that you also want to move to some other social media to be closer to your family. Everyone will definitely believe that shit and your Google+ invite will be imminent.
10. You don't need an invite
Just wait, will you. You're not missing out on anything, yet. Imagine if Twitter got pissed-up and ended up knocking off Facebook one night, getting it up the duff and resulting in an ostensibly welcomed, secretly unwanted, new addition to the already crowed social networking family. Google+ is probably going to end up having all the best qualities of its parents, sure it is, but for now it's just a wriggling, deal-behind-the-eyes ball of nowt.
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